Jim quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Jim

Strike three, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky

I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here, Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Jim

Ricky.

Randy

You just crossed the line, Ricky!

WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

Jim

Julian, what the hell's this shit?

Julian

Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?

Ricky

So I guess you two can fuck off!

Jim

Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered, double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads!

Randy

So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?

Jim

Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.

Ricky

You guys are fucked, you know that? [grabs Randy] Get the fuck in you car!

Jim

Clean this up!

Ricky

Get the fuck out of here!

Jim

You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!

Bubbles

Shit! In you go, fatty.

Jim

The day of reckoning is at hand, boy!

Ricky

Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!

Randy

Ricky!

Ricky

You guys are so fuckin' stupid. [gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand]

Randy

Get this cleaned up.

Bubbles

Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.

Ricky

This is fucked up, Julian.

Julian

Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.

Bubbles

This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

Julian

You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Bubbles

Yes, I wanna see Rush!

Julian

Get down there. You want me to go next?

Bubbles

Please. What if something gets me?

Bubbles

Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!

Bubbles

We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?

Julian

Shh!

Bubbles

That is him!

Ricky

Shh!

Alex Lifeson

Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.

Randy

No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson

Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy

Never do.

Jim

Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson

Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

Jim

He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.

Jim

How did you idiots get in here?!

Bubbles

Hi, Alex.

Ricky

Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!

Randy

How's this shit?

Bubbles

See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

Randy

I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]

Jim

Randy doesn't wear shirts!

Jim

[to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Bubbles

This is fucked!

Ricky

Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!

Julian

Boys, it wasn't that bad.

Jim

Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.

Ricky

[attempts to take the phone out of Jim's hand] Give me the fuckin' phone.

Jim

Ricky is a low-shit system.

Ricky

Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'--ah, this fuckin' thing. [throws the phone]

Jim

Julian, I'm collecting paperwork, and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian, like a shit hawk. Like a shit hawk. Come on, Randy.

Bubbles

Julian, what's a shit hawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?

Julian

Bubbles, shit hawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Bubbles

Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

Julian

No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man, there's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him.

Bubbles

Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shit hawks flyin' around, shit ropes comin' after me, shitty this and shitty that!

Ricky

What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

Jim

It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy

No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Jim

We were practicing, Randy.

Randy

It's not Halloween. We're not doing community theatre.

Jim

Randy.

Randy

We're consenting adults, and what we do in the privacy of our own home is--is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Jim

Randy, please.

Randy

And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that we're a couple. Hey everybody, we're gay!

Ricky

[shocked] What?

Randy

Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Jim

Alright, Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody, I'm gay.

Jim

My God, it's Ricky!

Jim

Yeah, we got a 10 72 at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Thank you very much. Well, Ricky, it looks like you shit goose this time.

Ricky

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck your gay.

Jim

Willful destruction of property, theft under a thousand dollars, trespassing, dangerous driving. You're goin' back to jail, boy.

Ricky

Good. Did you call the cops yet?

Jim

Yeah I did.

Ricky

Good. I want to go back to jail.

Jim

You wanna go?

Ricky

Hey, Trin.

Trinity

Hi.

Ricky

Where did you get this rim?

Trinity

I borrowed it, daddy. Just like you taught me to. Merry Christmas.

Ricky

Like I taught you to? What do you mean?

Jim

Apples don't fall far from the tree. Do they, Rick?

Ricky

Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I go back to jail. I don't have time for your shit right now, so fuck off.

Jim

Speaking of shit, Rick - which you were - when a shit apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of shit, it doesn't have any choice. Just like Trinity. She's gonna grow up to be a shit apple tree, just like her father. Have fun in jail, Rick.

Trinity

I wanna go to jail.

Ricky

Trinity, don't ever say that again. Okay? Don't joke around.

Trinity

I wanna go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.

Ricky

Trinity, stop it! I'm serious! Don't ever joke about that. You're never going to jail, okay?

Jim

Oh, yes she is, Rick.

Ricky

No she's not, Lahey. So fuck off.

Jim

Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.

Ricky

Yeah? What's that, Lahey?

Jim

My Grade 11.

Jim

Are you really this fuckin' stupid?

Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really tired of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?

Jim

George, I know it looks like I'm off the---

Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shit wolf. Do you know what a shit wolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shit wolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.

Jim

J--

Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.

Jim

George.

No. Say it, Jim. Say it.

Jim

Never cry shit wolf.

That's right. Now get your sorry ass out of here, or you're spending the night in the drama tank.

Ricky

How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?

Randy

Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?

Ricky

No, Barb made these for me.

Randy

I want my fuckin' burger, Rick!

Ricky

Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.

Ricky

Fuck off, Randy!

Randy

Fuck you!

Ricky

You get the fuckin' chicken chips-

Ricky

Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back, you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!

Ricky

Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!

Randy

IT'S MINE!

Jim

Smokey!

Ricky

[in pain] FUCK! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian

What are you doing?! Give me that!

Ricky

I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!

Jim

Randy, how could you do that?

Ricky

Jesus Christ!

Randy

Do what?

Jim

What you were doing with Ricky?

Randy

I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.

Ricky

Is that a fuckin' bow and...you fuckin' shot me!

Jim

It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.

Ricky

I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!

Julian

Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.

Ricky

That doesn't even make sense, Julian.

Julian

It's even, Ricky.

Ricky

I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!

Bubbles

Hold still, Ricky.

Julian

Get outta here!

Randy

Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!

Ricky

I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!

Julian

Rick, go home!

Ricky

[to Randy] Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!

Bubbles

Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Randy

Yeah.

Bubbles

Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Ricky

You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction, and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?

Barb

Don't! Richard!

Barb

RICHARD!

My car!

Ricky

I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!

Barb

Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this...

Jim

You're right Bernie, he's the epitome of refractory!

Ricky

Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!

Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! [grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away]

Ricky

What the fuck do you wanna talk about?

You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. [clenches his fist] 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Jim

We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?

Ricky

What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... [throws Lahey's bow over the fence] Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? [lights a cigarette] You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.

Jim

You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss, realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him, and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?

Randy

Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky

What does it mean, then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?

Randy

I understand it.

Ricky

Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! [pushes Lahey into the car] Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! [throws a net on Randy] And take your little net with you! [pushes Randy into the car]

Randy

Frig off, Ricky!

Ricky

Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! [slams the car door]

Jim

Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? [Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper] Oh, shit! Trevor!

Randy

Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

Jim

That's for fire, Randy!

Randy

Simon?

Barb

No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while, just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.

Jim

Staying with us...

Barb

Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church. You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.

Randy

Simon, you're married?!

Jim

Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

Ray

Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and 11:15? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.

Randy

Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray.

Ray

Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk, and he always will be!

Randy

Gimme a drink!

Jim

Randy.

Randy

Gimme a drink!

Jim

Let it go, Randy!

Randy

It's vodka!

Jim

131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!