Jim quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Jim

You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?

Bubbles

No.

Jim

Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.

Ricky

What the fuck are you going on about?

Jim

Can you hear it?

Bubbles

No, I don't hear anything.

Jim

Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the ol' shit barometer rises, and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend. Shit winds are a-comin'.

Jim

Randy, I got $100 here for groceries, I got $1,400 here for liquor, and I got $6,000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy. And you gotta make em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us, Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.

Randy

Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.

Jim

Wouldn't that be nice?

Randy

Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.

Jim

Exactly, Randy.

Randy

Mr. Lahey, is this you talking, or the liquor?

Jim

Randy...

Jim

I am the liquor.

Jim

Feel that?

Randy

Feel what, Mr. Lahey?

Jim

The way the shit clings to the air, Randy.

Randy

Shit clings to the air?

Jim

It's already started, my dear good friend.

Randy

What started, Mr. Lahey?

Jim

The shit blizzard. [takes a huge sip out of his liquor bottle]

Jim

Halloween 1977, Jules. You remember, don't you, Bubbles? Yo, what's at work here? It's the shit-tectonics. When two shit-plates strike, and come together under incredible pressure, what happens, Bubbles?

Bubbles

What, Mr. Lahey?

Jim

Shit quake. May the Force be with you, gentlemen. And may I be with the Force.

Randy

Ah! MOOSE BALLS! My pants!

Randy

It's not funny, Barb! [punches the wall]

Jim

Randy.

Barb

Randy!

Randy

BALLS! My best pants! [punches the wall again]

Randy!

Randy

This is fuckin'! [punches the wall again]

Barb

Randy!

Randy!

Barb

So what do you wanna talk about, Randy? Or do you need to be high first?

Randy

There's no real easy way of saying this... I fucked up.

Barb

What are you talking about?

Randy

Basically, I banged Lucy and knocked her up...no big deal.

Barb

Oh my God, that was you? Ugh, greasy. Do you know the whole park is talking about that?

Jim

You cheated on me, Randy? You cheated on us? You cheated on us?!

Barb

So that's $176.92, now would you like me to give it to you? Or should I give it directly to your drug dealer?

Randy

Look, you guys have a good time dancin'. And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are fucked.

Jim

They're fantastic, Barb.

Baaaaaaaaaaam!

Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaaaam!

Jim

What the fuck are you doin', Phil?

Jim

Barb, maybe you should lay off the alcohol just for a couple--

Barb

Don't you think? Do you think, Jim? Because you know what? I'm gonna be totally honest with you, and it's...it's a bit ironic, but since you stopped drinking, you are not half as much fun.

Jim

Barb...I'm doing my best here.

Barb

Jim, I wish you'd start drinkin' again!