A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
[in the news]
One place I could never understand why people stopped at was Little Chef. Because what they did was they took ingredients, and then ruined them.
JamesI once stopped at a Little Chef very early in the morning and I said, "Can I have an omelette?" The woman said "No, I'm sorry sir, the powder hasn't arrived yet."
I once dropped a sausage from my plate at Little Chef, and it bounced. They made it out of old squash balls!
[While waiting for Richard in his Morgan Threewheeler to pass by]
Come on, my little three-wheeled friend.
JamesHere he comes, ladies and gentlemen.
Here he comes
JamesDoff your hats. Roll out the barrel.
[dancing and singing Any old iron] Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron...
I am going to give it the full Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!
Did you see him clinging on with his elbow? You could see the sinews in his arm.
JamesThe sound is from the 1930s. Did the picture go black and white as he went past?
I'm not having you judging.
JamesWhat?
You can't play a game of Monopoly without cheating.
No, you can't. He did cheat at Monopoly.
I played these two at a game of Monopoly and he [points at James] cheated!
We played for four hours and you cheated!
JamesI did not cheat!
You ruined the game! You made it - you robbed the bank!
JamesThere was a... [laughter] There was a bank robbery. But you don't get those in Monopoly and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.
What?
You stole it!
JamesI've played the role -
So you're a cheat, a liar and a burglar!
[voiceover] And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.
I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary. [laughter]
I'm not! [laughter]
Yes... Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?
No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.
OK, but who is called Gary? [two men raise their hands] You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?
JamesYou are racing in Gary class... [laughter] so you are Gary Clarkson.
JamesI haven't been on a night bus since the late '80s, but when I did, it wasn't like this.
I was envisaging a sea of sick, sloshing from side to side.
[On the Peugeot Onyx concept car shown in the studio]
JamesIt looks absolutely fantastic and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper. Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific Locomotive.
[hurriedly] Yes, James, yes, yes.
JamesAnd it's actually untreated copper so over time, it'll turn green … unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.
Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials, so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper. I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right. Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to Bluetooth your phone to it; The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.
I do realize the enormity of the challenge I face, which is why I have gone for the fastest car in the world. Here it is. [gestures to blue Toyota Corolla]
JamesIt's a Toyota Corolla.
Yes it is.
JamesIt's a 1.8 litre Toyota Corolla.
Engine size is irrelevant, James, because do you know what makes this so fast? Look in the window. [camera zooms in on Avis Preferred Service tag on mirror] I've rented it!
JamesOh no.
Yes. And this is the thing, with the Bugatti Veyron sometimes you're using 15 horsepower, sometimes you're only using ten. This, you've got 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up to the moment you crash it.
JamesDid you pick up one of those, what do they call them, collision damage waiver forms?
No, I picked up six.
[Jeremy calls James during the New Zealand race, and mistakes Sir Ben Ainslie for Sir Ben Kingsley]
Is it exhausting?
JamesNo, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant, but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.
Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi and Sexy Beast?
[During the Budget Convertibles Across Spain Challenge]
[in the McLaren MP4-12C Spider] So, Spain. Six million unemployed and they have a smaller population than we do. Two million households have no income at all. 57 percent youth unemployment.
[voice over] Right now, though, James was dealing with rather more serious issues.
James[in the Audi R8 V10 Spyder] The cabin is too blustery. I've got both the windows up and I have the windshield thing at the back up, but my hair still whips me in the eyeballs. I know some of you are going, "Why don't you get your hair cut, then?" Lots of people have lots of hair.
[After eating Jeremy's cooking]
James£70,000 will buy a cook.
Would it interfere with this debate if I was suddenly and violently sick?
[After part 1 of the Hovervan segment was shown, in which the van sank in a reservoir]
Well, that was a complete catastrophe and it was all Hammond's fault.
How was it my fault?
Because, as predicted, those engines weren't powerful enough.
No, the problem was, and I never thought I'd say this, James's skirt was too small. [laughter]
JamesNo, no, I'm not having that, there was nothing wrong with my skirt. The problem was that (Jeremy) just charged into the water, as usual, like an imbecile.
[On the Ford EcoSport]
JamesWell, hang on, that's not going to work. Because we know the voice recognition in cars is rubbish. It never works, does it? So, if you just say, "The Police", it will probably actually ring the police.
No, it will! It will, it will! Because this car's got a feature on it that if you have an accident or get into problems, it calls the emergency services for you.
Well, that's just a recipe for disaster.
You'll be sitting there going, "Right, get the fire brigade," and it would play The Move! [singing] "Get the fire brigade, get the fire brigade —"
"Oh, I'm in trouble, help!" [singing] "I need somebody, help!" What a terrible way to die, trapped in your car, listening to all the embarrassing rubbish on your iPod.
[In the Mazda CX-5]
It's got automatic brakes! It stopped without me asking it to, 'cause it thought I was going to hit the hedge. Get in. Right, try to run me down.
JamesOh, all right. Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down."
[While off-roading with caravans in tow, Jeremy's caravan starts to break down completely]
JamesOh, no. This is disastrous, I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan!
James, are things as bad back there as I suspect they are?
JamesWell, let me put it this way, I've run over your left hand wall. Oh, and your portable lavatory! [laughs]
[A few miles later, on someone's lawn]
JamesI could actually overtake now but this is too amusing. I've got to — [laughs uncontrollably]
James[voice over] Sadly, I was laughing so much, I crashed … into myself.
James[jackknifing] I've spun!
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I point at some fields. Richard minces round a corner. And James describes his ideal night in.
James[in a bus] Vomit and sputum, and other bodily secretions.
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