A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
James[over the PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourselves. The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.
[over the PA system] For Christ's sake, James! Stop making ####### announcements! That's my job! I'm the steward! You drive, I steward!
JamesIt's my train, and the driver makes the bleeding announcements! That's the way it is!
[approaching James and Richard's train] James!
JamesWhat?
Your train's on fire.
JamesIs it?
Yes, it is.
JamesRight.
[as Richard and James extinguish the Buffet Car fire in a rail yard]
Listen, if you ignore the fire, and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go, it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...
JamesApart from that, it was a resounding success.
Yeah, I think we can only judge it as a success. It worked as a train. We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.
JamesWell, I think as a concept it is...
Oh, hello. [waves to approaching train]
James[waves, continues] It's quite nice. But the fact is...
[the train passes by and destroys the Scum Class car]
Hammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Is that what this is?
Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
[climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
[All three laugh]
Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?
[from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.
JamesI thought he had a guitar.
[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]
JamesIt's the Stormer.
Yeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.
James20 grand, maximum.
Stormer! That's a good name.
£20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.
[voiceover] Mostly, they talked about health and safety so we thought we should too.
Don't have an accident.
Don't have an accident.
If you do have an accident, remember... it was an accident.
[while checking on the Peugeot iOn]
That's not a very big boot. You wouldn't get a dog in there. [brief pause after realizing what he just said] Discussing luggage space is like I'm back on old Top Gear.
JamesCan I get a beard?
Use some of your charm. It will begin with the word "hello". Ready? [imitates James] "Hello."
JamesHello. We were just wondering, we're trying to... We've got two electric cars.
Right.
[camera cuts to Jeremy, who is a short distance away from James]
James has a way with women. I should imagine he'll be able to talk her into it, no problem at all.
[camera switches back to James]
James..it's going to take 12 hours.
[slowly, after a long pause] ...No.
[while brass rubbing in the Lincoln Cathedral]
I would never normally be brass rubbing -- and do you know why I've never done it? 'Cause all the cars I've ever owned have been powered by petrol or diesel. Look [points to his rubbing], it's Hammond, only in a diving bell.
JamesIt does look a bit like Hammond, actually.
I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. [reading the letter] "Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out here, sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fence mending trip to Mexico. Basically, my message is this... you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."
[looks behind] Oh, here he comes now.
[David Cameron is seen leaving Number 10 by car in front of the three]
Stay away from India.
[looking dejected] ...Well, that was unequivocal.
JamesWell, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective... to rescue Britain.
Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
Yeah.
You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Eat toffees.
No.
JamesGet an erection. [laughter]
[looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
JamesIn a police station. [laughter]
Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
Landing aircraft!
I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
JamesIt doesn't say "tenderly"!
I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!
I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
Sawing a piece of wood.
I could do that.
You can't, you'd need to hold your wood -- [making sawing movement]
No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly --
I could do that.
You could not!
I could!
You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
JamesI bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
JamesI bet you - I bet I could.
You can't!
JamesI bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
JamesYeah...
And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
No.
It'd be a short race!
We'll leave you out of it.
Can we make it a 50 yard sprint -- [breaks down to laugh]
[While test driving the XF15OZK-4]
[voiceover] Having mastered the gearbox, it was time to open up the single-cylinder 12-horsepower engine.
[Both Jeremy and James lean back unwillingly & repeatedly every time Jeremy speeds up]
JamesThe acceleration just... is blinding! It's like a safety device. You accelerate too hard, your feet come off the pedal.
Hold on to your spine. [over rough roads] Ah!
I mean, 2004, this car was launched.
JamesIf I'd shown this to you and asked you when it was built, when would you have said?
1957.
JamesI would say it was older than me.
Yeah.
James[over rough roads] Ow! Ow!
Poor quality!
Come on, redeeming feature, James. There must be a redeeming feature.
JamesUh... It's character-building.
No, 'cause I mean this...
[Engine suddenly dies]
Oh, no!
[after failing to restart the engine] I think our test drive's over.
[On Chinese Stig]
Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He is the Stig's Chinese cousin. [Chinese Stig kicks open a door behind them] Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.
JamesWhat's his first favourite thing?
Attacking people. He does it a lot. He's constantly at it.
[Chinese Stig proceeds to attack Jeremy, James, the director and the camera crew until Jeremy and James persuade him to go into the Guangzhou Trumpchi]
That's the worst Stig we've ever had.
So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's good because it crashes more easily?
[Laughter]
JamesYes.
JamesThis is a 1928 Le Mans-bodied 4.5-litre Bentley. Brian really does use this every day — he uses it to go down the shop for a pint of milk.
Go on, me son! Born to do it!
James[voiceover] Despite the mangled gear changes, I was very much enjoying living in the past.
JamesI can feel a moustache growing! God, the smell is tremendous. Hot castor oil. Well-known laxative, I'll probably have diarrhoea by the time we get there.
James[voiceover] Brian, however, wasn't coping so well with living in the future.
[In the Fisker Karma]
Oh, Christ, now what happens? I'm getting near the bottom of me battery level, oh my word. Right, now... And... That means I have to do something, and I'm... Bugger. What... What the heck is that? I'm trying to follow James's instructions, which were as clear as mud.
[James is seen driving past in the Bentley from inside the car]
There he goes, flying by with his thumb up! He's having a whale of a time and I'm trying to figure out this computer thing.
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