[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, two swans move their heads about, I eat a shoe and James says he's not fat.
JamesI'm not fat.
S21 E2 February 9th, 2014
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Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
Scenes with James May 381
James[After Jeremy's film on the Zenvo STI, which ended with the car catching fire]
JamesHow much is this thing?
How much? …£800,000.
James[surprised tone] 800?!
Yes.
JamesAre there any upsides to it?
Uh, upsides, yes. The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights. [laughter]
JamesApart from the fire?
Apart from the fire… Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.
JamesWell, it would be quiet. It was broken.
S21 E3 February 16th, 2014
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[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I sit on a rock, James gets something in his eye.
JamesOw!
And Richard says, "Mummy!".
Oh, Mummy!
S21 E4 February 23rd, 2014
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[After Jeremy and Richard ridiculed James for his review of Caterham 160 and Superlight 620R]
JamesHave you quite finished?
Well, not really because there's a lot to go through but, sadly, we must now find out how fast these cars go round our track and that, of course, means handing them over to a man who can actually drive.
S21 E4 February 23rd, 2014
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[On the Touring Disco Volante's high price]
And what's amazing is that, in Singapore, you're not allowed to drive a left-hand drive car on the road. So he's paid £1.5 million for a car he can't drive.
JamesHe's completely mad.
He isn't — somebody's just paid, what, £42 million for a Francis Bacon painting. You can't drive that, either. [laughter]
JamesIt's not a car.
James, I haven't got time for your pedantry.
S21 E4 February 23rd, 2014
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[After The Stig gets in a Nissan GT-R to pull tablecloth off a table]
Hold on a minute.
Yes, what?
So you are saying, he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his darkened visor?
Yes.
Is this how this Stig dies? [laughter]
JamesHas he done a book?
No, he hasn't. Right, is he ready?
S21 E4 February 23rd, 2014
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[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I move my eyes, Richard vandalizes the road.
JamesThere you go.
and James says cow.
JamesCows!
S22 E2 February 1st, 2015
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JamesAnyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
[pause]
[laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
James[laughs] I know.
Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
JamesNo it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.
You've just let me down.
JamesRubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
PPlayer
That was my wife.
JamesIt was his wife.
Yes, it was your wife.
[While playing a game of ice hockey]
Hammond, in the sin bin!
I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?
Go on ITV, and you get sin binned. It's that simple.
[voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.
James[scoring a goal] Yeah!
Oh, come on, ref!
Hammond, you may rejoin...
[Hammond drives a few feet forward]
...and that's the end of the game, everybody!
[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]
JamesThis has never been done before.
No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!
Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
JamesCan I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
[shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps: after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]
SFSpecial Forces Soldier with the pixellated face
That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
[confused] How dare you...
SFSpecial Forces Soldier
Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
[Jeremy does so]
Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
That looked awful.
JamesI'm... I'm staggered.
Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.
Who do you think's going to win this race?
JamesI think we're all going to die.
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