Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Richard

You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

Richard

The Vel Satis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Mégane; a family car, but only if your family is The Osbournes. And the Avantime; it's a sporty coupe, but only if you don't want a car that's sporty. Or a coupe.

Richard

I am a driving god!

Richard

Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?

Richard

Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver, was very particular about his Jag Mk 2s. He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8 just 'cause he preferred the handling. Not a lot of people know that.

Richard

Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.

Richard

It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.

Richard

[On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!

Richard

This is the Talon riot control vehicle. Big, innit?

Richard

Now that is what I call a control panel. Grenade launcher. Impulse generator! Lovely.

Richard

Well, if things get really nasty, I can always get stupid and just headbutt stuff.

Richard

It's hopeless. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... and now it's changed. And I'm going to select fourth... no... oh! Now I've got it. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?!

Richard

[Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)

Richard

Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!

Richard

Now normally driving a TVR with any sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says "Well, yeah, we went on 'oliday, took the missus, in the caravan," and then boomf!, punches you in the face, no warning. This, though... it's got understeer! It's telling me, it's saying, "I gotta let you know, you're gettin' on my nerves a little bit." It hasn't lost the lairiness, but it's just been to anger management.