The Alchemist quotes from The Venture Bros.

The Alchemist

Alright. Let's start again. Get me a dictionary.

But we have the internet.

The Alchemist

I don't wanna play World of Warcraft. Get me a regular dictionary. (talks to himself aloud) Ugh, internet. It's only good for finding out that your boyfriend is sleeping around. Friggin' MySpace. What, I'm not supposed to look at his friend's comments? They're right on the first page! It's hardly snooping!

Dr. Orpheus

We must draw him out. Draw him from Hell with Hell. Quickly! What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? (Points at Jefferson Twilight.)

Jefferson Twilight

Um...I saw my mom raped by blackulas. I was 10. She called my name. I just stood there.

Dr. Orpheus

Um, wow. Wait, I can hear him. More ugliness?

Once I saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.

Dr. Orpheus

Yes, he's closer! More like that.

The Alchemist

Okay, this is really gross. Once I was out of toilet paper, so I used cotton balls. So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton. So I—and do not ask me why—I smell my finger to check.

Jefferson Twilight

Gross. I see where this is going.

Dr. Orpheus

Quickly, Al, he's so close!

The Alchemist

Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right. But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble. So then I have this shit-cotton all over my face!

The Alchemist

How did it go?

Dr. Orpheus

What are you doing in here?

The Alchemist

Did he mention me? The Master in your daughter’s closet that may not exist!

Dr. Orpheus

No he didn’t mention you. And it went like it always does, he tore away at my heart until he kicked me out.

Hank

Hey, can I ask you something? You’re gay, right?

The Alchemist

Yeah!

Hank

What’s it looked like? I mean, is it real or is it all Frankenstein?

The Alchemist

Hank!

Hank

Your dingus. Does it look real?

The Alchemist

What is kid-crazy talking about?

Jefferson Twilight

He thinks you're transgender.

The Alchemist

Hank, it looks real because it is real. I’m gay. It doesn’t mean I was born a woman. I have a regular dingus, as you say.

Jefferson Twilight

Hank, aren’t you just a little ashamed of your ignorance?

The Alchemist

Like just a little?

Hank

Yeah, constantly.

Jefferson Twilight

Torrid's a dick. Who does that? Who opens up hell, honestly?

Dr. Orpheus

If Torrid gets the portal open we’re done for. Once the second-world comes through, we haven’t the power to stop them.

The Alchemist

I gotta be honest, I’m scared. I’m like a 9 scared. 9.3 maybe.

Dr. Orpheus

We should all be at 10. There isn’t a sorcerer alive who has the ability to fight the denizen of the second-world. I’m a 10.

Jefferson Twilight

If Orpheus is going Bo Derek then I'm pushing it up to 8.

Dr. Orpheus

I admire your bravery. Now are you ready to wage our final battle?

The Alchemist

What? Hell no. I have one more thing to try. [Yells at Torrid] Stop being a pud. Knock it off you dimbat. Nobody wants you to open a door to hell.

No, no. I command thee!

The Alchemist

Something just came out of the vortex and killed Torrid. So, that happen.

Dr. Orpheus

The time is now. Triad join me. I am Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.

Jefferson Twilight

I’m a...

The Alchemist

I don’t wanna do that introducing ourselves bit, it’s goofy. Lets not die being goofy.

Jefferson Twilight

I’m with Al. Maybe we can sing a Stevie Wonder song together!

The Alchemist

Yeah, that’s not much better.

It's out! I did it. So, am I part of the Triad?

The Alchemist

Triad implies three. So...

All right. Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.

The Alchemist

Welcome to the Mystical Order of the Triad, Special Brother Billy!

Dr. Orpheus

Triad! Be unseen!

Jefferson Twilight

Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?

Dr. Orpheus

No, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.

The Alchemist

Well be specific next time.

Jefferson Twilight

Score?

The Alchemist

85%.

Jefferson Twilight

Get out! Where did I blow?

The Alchemist

Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko.

Jefferson Twilight

That was... well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That's a total bad-guy suit!

The Alchemist

He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It's reflected in your score.

The Alchemist

Relax, I just wanna talk to you.

I didn't steal those games. They're defective, so they are just being thrown out.

The Alchemist

I'm not Mall Security.

So who are you?

Hank

He's works with me. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.

You're the super-hero guy and you're hanging out with Hank?

The Alchemist

Look, pudgy mac-talk-alot, I just got dumped by my lover who then tossed me out on my jobless ass, so I had to move in with my boring team member who lives in the burbs and doesn’t do squat. And I just told you too much, didn’t I?

Ugh dude, no shit.

The Alchemist

Let me ask you a question.

Dr. Orpheus

Sure.

The Alchemist

It's the...Bewitched question.

Dr. Orpheus

Oh, yes. Why didn't Darrin let Samantha just make them magically rich so he wouldn't have to be a workaday whipping boy?

The Alchemist

Yeah. Where do you stand on that one?

Dr. Orpheus

I can't make you rich, Al.

The Alchemist

I don't want that. It's just that...you know how I can tell if people are telling the truth. It's one of my gifts. Hank has this case...

Dr. Orpheus

I've noticed you've been...palling around with the young lad.

The Alchemist

That kid knows how to have fun, Orpheus. You could learn something from him. Anyway, in this case we got going, everyone is telling the truth, and none of it adds up. I...I kind of wanna help him.

Dr. Orpheus

Well, we have these powers. They are a part of us, and we should never be ashamed or afraid to use them for good.

The Alchemist

So, you'd...

Dr. Orpheus

I would make Darrin filthy rich, turn Mr. Tate into a donkey, tell Endora to get a life, and blind that nosey Mrs. Kravitz!

[nuzzling an escort] How about I take you to my boudoir and give you a little Rusty Venture?

Alchemist

Whoa! Denied! What was that about?

Boom! Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture. That is bold, my friend. Kudos!

What? I had chilled bubbly in my room.

Alchemist

Rust, you do realize that a "rusty venture" is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's asshole while you pull the guy off into his own face.

What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!

Uh, like, in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.

Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?

Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.

Alchemist

How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.

No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.

Alchemist

That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.

You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?

Alchemist

Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture I'm right.

Stop it!

You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.

[answering his phone while doing a model of the USS Indianapolis on his dog's back] Hello? Oh, sure. I am the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!

[hanging up] Useless. That was Colonel Gentleman.

Alchemist

And?

And the out-of-touch old windbag just described a Double Frog Man.

Alchemist

Ugh! Give me your phone.

[on other end] You? I told you, when your arch is terminated by a third party, it's not our problem! A what? Well, of course I do! It's when you fist a guy and then open up your hand inside his ass and grab—no, he's laying down. Then whatever you come out with, you rub on his dick.

Wrong! The Rusty Venture is a straight move. Okay, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner, but you don't let her go to the can. Then you have anal sex with her and she craps all over your dick; so right when you're about to get off, you take it out and blow shit cum all over her back.

That's a Rusty Venture?

No, that's the Rusty part; the Venture part is when you eat that junk off her back without using your hands.

Are you getting this?

Alchemist

Yeah, I heard it. and you're both wrong. To settle a bet. Yes, with Shore Leave.

Brock

I'll take care of this. This has been a long time coming. Me and her got to get something straight between us.

Alchemist

[to Shore Leave as Brock runs after Molotov] You think he even knows how many double entendres that was?