Monarch quotes from The Venture Bros.

You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.

Dean

(sighs) This was a big mistake.

Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.

Hank

Fuck that shit!

Dean

Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!

Hank

Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.

Dean

I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.

Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?

Hey! Hey! What the f.. Are you raping me?!

No... well, I was gonna.

Gonna?! What the fuck, King?!

I couldn't get it up.

AGH! [Holds hands to ears] Lalalalalalala...

You're built too much like a girl! I couldn't get into it.

[stops 'la' -ing] What... What a... this isn't even my cell! What'd you do, take me to your place?

Well I got porn here... it helps.

AAGH! [Puts hands back to ears as he leaves the cell] Lalalalalalala...

I am sitting in the charred remains of my once mighty, flying cocoon. Anyone... wanna explain to me why my cocoon is charred...

Because you told us to destroy the cocoon.

And why it is sideways?

We were following orders! You can't yell at us for following orders.

Or kill us for following orders.

Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Is this them?

Are these they?

Who talks like that?

Out of the way! I'm the leader here, I'll distribute the... wha. (uneasy pause) Are these they?

(proudly) Yeah, and you have to admit, it is a pretty formidable collection.

You fucking idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?

No, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.

Oh, ha ha ha. Nice onesie, dick. Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopie?

Whoa!! Snap! No he didn't!

This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!

Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with progeria and take pity on us!

#24, ready the Monarch-Mobile! Your leader has a date.

We kinda...don't have a Monarch-Mobile anymore.

Why the hell not?

We ditched it.

You know, the heat was on us after that Venture Brother thing, so we thought...

Alright fine, what are our options?

We can take my Nissan Stanza.

Oh, shotgun, called! Totally!

What color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored?

It's powder blue. Mostly.

Great. 21, what do you drive?

His powder blue Stanza.

Put in my mix tape; it's right on the dash. It's the one that says, Chillin' with My Peeps and My Main Man, The Monarch.

We have to stop and pick up my...date.

I thought Dr. Girlfriend was going to be there.

Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb. I plan to use the never-fail strategy of jealousy!

Who's your date?

I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'f0ine', I was 'teh sex', whatever that means...

(sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.

You know, that's not my real name.

Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.

I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...

Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play. (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Shit! They're here! Fawn over me! Treat me as if I were candy!!

Wow, she's gorgeous.

She is heat incarnate. When I met her, she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica. She had those red streaky things in her hair.

I heard that she was (whispering) kind of manly.

That's ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she's with, that's Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!

I need an immediate Blackout: 4 and a robot. Syndicate number: Victor. Echo. November. Seven. Niner.

Roger. Dispatching Blackout team now. (looks over at Ward whose playing with mp3 player) What are you doing?

I hate that song.

Hm. "Niner." Nice touch.

Dr. Girlfriend

Well, isn't this wonderful? My favorite part was when you (Phantom Limb) decided to kill the Venture family. No, wait, it was when your (The Monarch) fake date ran off crying. Come on, Monarch, how old was she? ("Jollyrancher82")

Will you look at me? I'm in a fucking evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me!?

Dr. Girlfriend

Super. Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to powder my nose or whatever the cliche is.

Hoooo, nice one! Look what you did.

Yeah, I did that.

Holy crap!

Whatever it is we didn't do it!

Brock

I believe you. Stay here, don't do anything, you understand?

Yes sir, yes I understand sir.

Well on the upside, finally dropped one.

Yeah, me too.

Hello, Brock. (clears throat) I was wondering when you would show up. I had nothing to do with this. Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend, I told him.

Brock

Alright, stay out of this one.

No duh. He's in the next stall. Hey, how's that dickweed boss of yours?

Brock

Don't push it!

Mmmm... nice ass, Samson.

Think you can give me directions back to Liberty Street?

Listen and listen well. The road before you is beset with many perils! Every turn you make will bring you closer to the cold awaiting hands of Sister Fate!

Or just the center of town? Do you have a pen? Maybe I should...

Fear me, Theseus, for I AM THE MIGHTY MINOTAUR! [Disrobes, revealing a large minotaur tattoo on his back) This Cocoon has witnessed your sins, and she seeks vengeance! The Cocoon will punish the wicked, the Cocoon will reward the righteous! You must escape from her grasp, you must earn your freedom!

Dude, I don't have time for... (A trap door beneath the bed opens, sending the Prostitute down)

How much do you want to live?!

(evil laughter, grabs an office worker) Where is he?! WHERE IS VENTURE?!

Venture?

Dude, no, stop!! There's been a mistake!

Oh, what now?!

This isn't the secret Venture compound. It's your accountant's office.

Wha... Are you kidding?? That was like my best entrance ever!!

Yeah, it was excellent!

Very impressive!

This sucks! (calls to other henchmen) Alright. Wrong address, wrong address. Everybody back in the cocoon!

So, uh... Should we, uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take the pens, and the post-its, and the, uh, copy paper! You always need copy paper. And get that security tape!! I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance posted on my homepage BY TOMORROW!!

Forgive me, but the problem is one of planning, not one of armament. Mr. The Monarch already has a dazzling armory. What he needs is a strategist. A man of his prestige cannot simply go after an enemy all willy-nilly.

You can't give an enema a free willy what?

Shut up, 21. You might learn something from this guy.

What you need is a second-in-command who understands the intricacies of organized villiany. This I can offer you.

Perfect! You're hired, uh... number...

Number Killinger. Doctor Henry Killinger. And this is my Magic Murder Bag.

What the hell is she doing here?!

This woman has come to rescue you.

From what?!

From loneliness, you silly billy.

(to the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend) Love is not private. Love is to be shared. I've locked you in. Neither of you may leave until you have reached compromise. Good luck, and may love show you the way. [opens his umbrella and begins to ascend toward the ceiling] Say goodbye to all your pretty children for me.

Dr. Girlfriend

Can you understand what he's saying?

Like... half the time.

(out of frame) My umbrella is stuck on something. I require assistance.