Monarch quotes from The Venture Bros.

Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.

Allegedly.

Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.

Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.

Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.

With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.

What's he doing now?

Dean

He's making his dramatic exit.

(sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

Hank

I think he's almost done.

And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Dr. Girlfriend

Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?

Oh no, wait, where? Holy crap, he's with a girl!

Dr. Girlfriend

Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.

But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. That's impossible!

Dr. Girlfriend

Straight!

Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!

(shocked, stamping out the fire) You dick!

Dr. Orpheus

Doctor Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, (he produces a business card with a flourish) you can find me at this address! (as an afterthought) Nights only.

What? What did I do?

When the sun sleeps... the wolves begin to howl.

(bewildered) What the hell is going on here? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?

(finally inside Dr. Venture's laboratory) Oh my god, look at this place. It's like a museum of failure.

Dr. Girlfriend

It's almost depressing.

Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. (indicating a gadget nearby) I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!

Dr. Girlfriend

So I guess...we're not gonna...

What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already? I almost feel sorry for him.

Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?

Objection, your honor, leading.

I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?

Hank

No sir, I don't think so.

Yes you are!

Dean

You're the liar!

And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

You're on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell no, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...

Peers?

(cont'd) ...to decide this.

PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.

This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

A book?

No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'

Told you!

You told me he wouldn't find out.

You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!

(still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!

Dr. Girlfriend

(examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?

(momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.

(back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...

That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!

Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.

Okay, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.

Dr. Girlfriend

Oh you are insane!

I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.

Dr. Girlfriend

That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.

Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!

Dr. Girlfriend

Let me see that, I don't remember...

And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!

Dr. Girlfriend

All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?

Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!

Dr. Girlfriend

I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.

You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!

So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin'. Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?

Dr. Orpheus

If it would please the court...

Objection1 No way!

Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.

Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!

I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.

Dr. Orpheus

Hug me!

Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.

Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?

We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.

Did you try the cellular phone?

Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...

Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?

Not yet.

Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?

Yes.

Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?

We tried, but..

Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?

Yep.

Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?

No.

Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?

Check!

Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!

You're probably wondering why you're here, YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where heading.

(snickering)

Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.

This is totally gay.

What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)

You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?

Dean

Dean Ven...

YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.

Fuck you, gimme a dollar!

What the fuck are you boys doing in the big house?

Dean

Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.

Hank

And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.

You shouldn't even be alive!

Dean

Huh?

I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.