Doctor Thaddeus Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Sir, your craft is unregistered, and you failed to file a flight plan. Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?

Don’t you people have anything better to do than harass innocent people trying to get to Marrakesh?

Zip it, Grandpa. I’m speaking to the pilot.

Grandpa? Well, I’ll have you know-

Sir, I am not gonna tell you again.

Brock

It’s all right, soldier. I got special clearance. [Hands pilot his CIA card] I’m with a top-secret branch of the government. So if you don’t mind, we have a mission to get back to.

[looks at license] Sir. This I.D. expired six months ago. [Hearing this, Brock freaks out. Dr. Venture stands next to him, annoyed]

Great. When Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people don’t come crying to me.

So I said, "Listen, my Dad invented UNIVAC, so I think I would know!" Well, that uppity little T.A. didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.

Dr. Girlfriend

[forces a laugh] You dog, you.

What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!

Hank

Holy crap! What happened?

Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.

She's looking at me, what do I do?

Brock

Give her five bucks.

Brock

Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]

Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!

Brock

That's not what I-

And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.

Hank

We don't even know who our old mommy was.

Oh, that's right. I've never really told you about her. Well, she was- [horn honks outside] That'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys! Don't stay up too late!!

Did you lift anything heavy?

Dean

(in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.

Were you roughhousing with your brother?

Dean

Nooo.

(suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-

Dean

No! Gross!

I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.

Dean

(groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!

Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!

Dean

Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!

Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.

Dean

Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!

I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?

Dean

Ahhhuh!!I want a doctor!!

Alright, let's see them.

Dean

I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.

Oh, come on!

Dean

You said you wouldn't look!

I'M NOT LOOKING! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.

Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."

Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."

Don't forget the huge head!

Hey! I copped to it! Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Can we just do this please?

Well, what happens if we wait?

That's not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.

Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you're eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner...

You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.

Unless you're that guy from INXS and that's, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.

Dean

Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy!

Hank

Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

Dr. Orpheus

Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.

You're kidding, right?

Dr. Orpheus

It just seems so romantic.

Oh sure, it looks all glamorous from the outside, but really it's a huge pain in the ass. They send robots into your lab, break everything, and does my insurance policy cover arch enemies? No.

Dr. Orpheus

I'm jealous! There, I said it.

If you want one so bad, take one of mine.

With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.

What's he doing now?

Dean

He's making his dramatic exit.

(sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

Hank

I think he's almost done.

And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Brock

You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you're begging for trouble on this one.

I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C'mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

Brock

(exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says "laser death ray bargain bin"!

(dismissively) Well, that's why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.

Is my tie on straight?

Brock

Yeah. Can't really miss with a clip-on.

Hank

Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!

Dean

No wonder you guys are such super pals!

Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...

We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...

Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.

Oh, God, don't remind me.

Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.

Dean

Baron Ünderbheit!!!

(back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?

Dean

No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!

Hank

Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!

Brock

Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.

Hank

So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?

Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.

Baron Ünderbheit

The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...

Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.

Baron Ünderbheit

ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.

Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?

What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"

Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.

Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.

I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.

You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!

Hank

(present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Brock

Huh. So he really did die.

So what, he programmed his robots to hate us too?

Brock

(shrugs) I guess.

Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?