Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?
“Past Tense” · Season 1
In this episode: Brock Samson (6), Doctor Thaddeus Venture (5), Pete White (4), Baron Werner Ünderbheit (2), Col. Gentleman (2), Hank Venture (1), Dean Venture (1), Doctor Byron Orpheus (1)
Is my tie on straight?
Yeah. Can't really miss with a clip-on.
(Venture just revealed that, in college...)
Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!
No wonder you guys are such super pals!
(Brock just sits expressionlessly)
VDr. Venture
Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...
(dorm flashback: Venture is laying awake in his bunk. Brock's bunk above his is squeaking, bouncing up and down furiously, accompanied by Brock grunting rhythmically and a young woman moaning)
VDr. Venture
We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...
Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.
VDr. Venture
Oh, God, don't remind me.
Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.
Baron Ünderbheit!!!
(back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?
No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!
Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!
Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.
So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?
Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.
(dorm flashback: Ünderbheit and White arguing near door of Venture's room)
The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...
Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.
ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.
(Ünderbheit leaves)
VDr. Venture
Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?
What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"
MSMike Sorayama
Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.
VDr. Venture
Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.
MSMike Sorayama
I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.
VDr. Venture
You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!
(present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!
Careful Lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder. Yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.
You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.
SSorayama
Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.
Sure, but why would you do that, fella?
BUBaron Underbheit
To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college
RRusty
So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.
(on the radio): You're listening to the White Room. I'm your host, the evah-populah Pete White. This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama. And he writes "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."
You did this. You did this, didn't you? (he attempts to charge Ünderbheit, nearly strangling Venture)
(sarcastically) As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.
(grabbing Action Man's hands and concentrating for a moment) Two years, seventeen days.
What?
From a stroke. GOOD DAY!
Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot. Why, he could land her on a puffin... or a smurf!!
Oh for Pete's -- for my sake!
(Action Man farts)
CSCollege Student
(after a brief pause) Dude, you beefed.
Oh, come on! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?
(the group looks at Sorayama's corpse)
Huh. So he really did die.
VDr. Venture
So what, he programmed his robots to hate us too?
(shrugs) I guess.
VVenture
Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?
(in flashback, packing up his belongings and talking to a sullenly quiet Thaddeus Venture) Sorry, man, I don't know what came over me. Anyway, they cut my scholarship, so I'm outta here. Gonna join the army. (he pauses in the doorway, causing Venture to cower abjectly) Oh, yeah. Someone from, uhhh... "Venture Industries" called while you were at the infirmary. Your dad died. Later.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.