Doctor Thaddeus Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?

My tax dollars, for one.

Dean

Santa Claus, for two.

Dr. Orpheus

How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.

Dr. Orpheus

Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.

Dr. Orpheus

I SWEAR IT!

Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?

Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.

Dr. Orpheus

Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!

(imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.

Dr. Girlfriend

(examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?

(momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.

(back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...

That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!

Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.

So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin'. Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?

Dr. Orpheus

If it would please the court...

Objection1 No way!

Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.

Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!

I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.

What would I do without you, Brock?

Brock

(nonchalantly) You'd be dead.

Well I have good news...

Oh, thank...

And bad news.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!! (relaxes) Okay fine! Hit me with it, don't soft soap me. Give it to me straight, I can take it.

The good news is the operation was a success. We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.

(to Brock as if comforting him) See, you big worry wart?

Brock

What's the bad news?

I... ah geez... This is very hard.

Oh god. It's the big C, isn't it? (to Brock) You did this to me! All that second hand smoke!! You should be the one in this bed, mister!!!

No no no, Dr. Venture! The tumor was benign, it's just that... well... (clears throat) We cannot find it.

What do you mean you can't find it?

Well, we took it out, and i don't know. When I finished sewing you up, I turned around and it was just gone!

(sarcastically) Gone. Well, I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!

Jonas Venture Jr.

But we're the Venture Brothers! Shouldn't we work together?

Unh. What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I give you life, I give you half my stuff, I gave you the X2 for God's sake, what more do you want?! My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! [bends over, pointing his rear towards Jonas Jr.] or better yet, just climb right on back inside me! [pats rear] Go on! Jump back in there! Come on!

Jonas Venture Jr.

[sighs] Fine. Never mind. Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I'll go.

'The lab'? Try my lab.

Jonas Venture Jr.

Mine, yours. What's the difference? We're the Venture Brothers! What's mine is yours.

Yeah, yeah. You're very generous with my things.

Dr. Orpheus

Slow down. What about the zombies?

Oh, I call those "clone slugs" — grew those years ago from nail clippings, I think. Anyway, after the slugs have been activated, that machine...

Dr. Orpheus

Purgatory.

Whatever. That computer feeds all their nocturnally recorded memory synapses.

Dr. Orpheus

Their memories, hopes, and dreams. Their immortal souls!

You're killing me with that crap; just let me finish. That computer feeds synaptic data to their incubation beds; that information is supplemented with basic knowledge that my dad recorded for me so I didn't have to go to school; and that is why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24.

Dr. Orpheus

That is awful!

Well, you didn't see her. It was horrific.

Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Is this them?

Are these they?

Who talks like that?

Out of the way! I'm the leader here, I'll distribute the... wha. (uneasy pause) Are these they?

(proudly) Yeah, and you have to admit, it is a pretty formidable collection.

You fucking idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?

No, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.

Oh, ha ha ha. Nice onesie, dick. Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopie?

Whoa!! Snap! No he didn't!

This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!

Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with progeria and take pity on us!

What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?

They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.

Brock

So for the next couple of days, it's yours. I'm trusting you to protect these people.

(scornfully) From what? Bed bugs and tummy aches?

Brock

Hey, you'd be surprised how many enemies Doctor Venture has. We get into some pretty hot situations here.

Brock, which of these looks better? The velour or the Italian knit? Oh, hello.

Brock

Doc, this is Molotov Cocktease. I hired her to watch out for you guys while I'm on assignment.

Charmed. Oh uh, and I got some iodine on this. Do you have time to get that out for me before you run off to play Cowboys and Indians?

Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.

Ahh, pardon?

Brock

Ah Doc, come here with me a second.

Did you check her references?

Brock

Yeah.

Oh great, she's one of your hussies isn't she? You're putting my life in the hands of a hussy.

Brock

She's a mercenary not a... hussy.

Did you have... relations with her?

Brock

Ehhh, no, I didn't.

Hmm, well then Rusty calls dibs. God, she must jazzercise night and day.

Brock

(sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.

What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?

Brock

I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were down in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)

Dean

Manaconda!

Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she close the deal?

Brock

Wait.

Dean

Eww. Wo-manaconda.

Well, let's say we get you settled in. Shall I make up the fold-out couch in my dad's old study for you, or, ahh, would you be more comfortable in the master suite?

Get something straight, I am here only as a favor to that man whose feet you aren't even fit to kiss. I am not protecting your lives, I am saving his. Because by the time he gets back, you will no longer need a baby sitter. I'm going to turn you into men.

Dr. Orpheus

So easy to lose track of matters temporal in my vocation. My apologies for the error Miss uhh...

Cocktease.

Dr. Orpheus

Oh, umm of course. How do you do?

Hank

Gee thanks for coming Dr. O., too bad you can't stay longer.

Dr. Orpheus

Well I don't really have to be anywhere.

Hank

(coldly) I said good day sir.

(to Molotov) Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... (Molotov walks off) some other time then.

Dr. Orpheus

No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.

Listen, we kinda got off on the wrong foot, you and I, and I don't mean the one you just kicked my teeth in with, I mean earlier. So, fine. If you're not interested the one hundred and thirty five pounds of grade A American come-and-get-it, I can respect that. But, uh, we can at least be friends right? (Molotov smiles and shakes his hand) So tell me, friend, you might know this. The whole Russian mail-order-bride deal on the Internet, is that on the up and up?

(coldly) I wouldn't know.

Because those Chinese ones are a real racket. The damn thing was already dead when the crate finally showed up!