A character in The Sopranos
Played by Michael Imperioli
The Sopranos · 454 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Sopranos: in 87 of its 454 quotes
Most scenes with: Paulie Walnuts (28), Tony Soprano (24), Adriana La Cerva (11)
I heard they fired their produce guy.
Christopher MoltisantiEnough! I'm so sick and tired o' hearin' you people talk about food, food, food! That's all anybody ever talks about is proscuitto, cheese, and fuckin' fava beans. I'm, I'm drownin' here!
Jesus Christ. Take it easy.
Christopher MoltisantiWe're not even engaged yet.
Yeah well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.
Christopher MoltisantiFuck the importance.
Jon Favreau? He's great. He's also a writer. You should show him your script.
Christopher MoltisantiSwingers? He can suck my dick. That swings too.
To kick upstairs to Tony Soprano would be an honor.
He the man.
Christopher MoltisantiI thought you said I was the man. He the man, I the man, who the man?
Are vee not men?
Is that all Tony said? Did he say anything else?
Christopher MoltisantiThe fuck do ya want 'im ta do? Give ya a kiss on the lips?
Christopher MoltisantiI'm going to hell, T.
You're not going anywhere but home.
Christopher MoltisantiI crossed over to the other side.
You what?
Christopher MoltisantiI saw the tunnel and the white light...and I saw my father in hell.
Get the fuck out of here.
Christopher MoltisantiAnd the bouncer said that I'd be there too when my time comes.
What bouncer?
Christopher Moltisanti"The emerald piper", that's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's day everyday forever. Mikey Palmice and Brendan Filone were there too. They were friends.
Those two guys hated each other.
You gotta relax, you just need some rest.
Christopher MoltisantiThey're friends now. They were playing dice with two Roman soldiers and a bunch of the Irish guys.
Doesn't make sense.
Christopher MoltisantiThe Irish, they were winning every roll.
You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
Christopher MoltisantiI forgot all about purgatory.
Purgatory, a little detour on the way to paradise.
Christopher MoltisantiHow long you think we gotta stay there?
That's different for everybody. You add up all your mortal sins, multiply that number by 50, then you add up all your venial sins and multiply that by 25. You add them together, and that's your sentence. I figure i'm gonna have to do about 6,000 years before I get accepted into heaven. And 6,000 years is nothing in eternity terms. I could do that standing on my head. It's like a couple of days here.
Christopher MoltisantiThe wife of a made guy doesn't hostess.
I'm so proud of you. I love you Christopher.
Christopher MoltisantiYou better.
Christopher MoltisantiI'm not fuckin' kiddin' Tony. He's a sick fuck. He was sniffin' her fuckin' panties.
What?
Christopher MoltisantiYou heard me.
Tony, guess what we found in the bottom of the Christmas box.
Santa Outfit.
You guessed.
Burn the fuckin' thing.
Christopher MoltisantiThis is the first Christmas in history I remember him not bein' Santa.
Ahh... Big Pussy.
We were talkin' the other day about that fat piece o' shit. When he got back from Boca in Christmas in '95, how he wasn't himself.
What happened to uh... not wastin' your breath on the cocksucker?
Two faced fuck. To sell out your friends and save your own ass. It's despicable. That's one ride I would've loved ta been along on.
Christopher MoltisantiYeah... me too.
Enough o' this shit. Put up the fuckin' decorations.
Well we still gotta find somebody ta play Santa.
[Everyone stares at Tony]
The fuck outta here.
[The crew are pondering who is going to be Santa. Bobby enters the room, and Silvio signals everyone to his likeness]
What?
Christopher MoltisantiHo fuckin' ho!
You're right.
What are you talkin' about?
You wanna play Santa Claus at the party this year?
Nah, I can't do that.
Why not?
...I don't know. I don't know how.
Eh, what's to know? You ask 'em what they want for Christmas, you give 'em a nice toy, and that's the end of it.
Nah. Not me, I can't.
Yes you can.
I can't.
Why not?
I'm shy.
[Paulie slowly rises and marches towards Bobby]
The Boss of this family told you you're gonna be Santa Claus. You're Santa Claus! So shut the fuck up about it.
Gimme your shoes. I can go get help.
Christopher MoltisantiFuck you. You're not leavin' me here.
You don't trust me?
Christopher MoltisantiIt's stupid. Pitch dark out there.
And what's your fuckin' plan? Eat ketchup packs?
Christopher MoltisantiWe shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
And I shoulda fucked Dale Evans, but I didn't!
Christopher MoltisantiCould be him out there stalkin' us!
With what? His cock? Think about it Chrissy. Even if he's alive, he's unarmed and bleedin' like a sieve, he's in the woods, he's in his pajamas. It's the fuckin' Yukon out there.
Christopher MoltisantiProbably thinks we left anyway.
If he's alive, which he ain't. What's that?
Christopher MoltisantiNathan's bag. Fuck, there's some ketchups and shit.
They clean?
Christopher MoltisantiI don't know. They were in the bag. They're a little halfway frozen.
Fuck it. Gimme some. Not bad. Mix it with the relish.
We were drivin' south and the sun's settin' there.
Christopher MoltisantiWhat good's that do us?
At least we know what direction we're headed.
Christopher MoltisantiYeah but we're still fuckin' lost.
We're not lost. Stop gettin' cunty.
You think we're diggin' a hole. That's right shithead, get to work. I know the ground's kinda hard, but give it some of that Siberian action.
Ya sech pubyuvyal sukye. (Cocksuckers, I'll kill you both.)
Shut up!
Vishto davitzishtov na chaladna. (You think the cold bothers me?) No...dvam colodna. Amenya niet. (I wash my balls with ice water!) Ya payatsiev caladeeva deechadyeel. (This is warm.) Amerikozeh Sronye. (You American pieces of shit.) Poo! [Valey spits]
Christopher MoltisantiFuck's he sayin'?
Who gives a shit? Keep diggin'. Not that it matters now. We didn't come to your house to kill ya! That mouth o' yours. You gotta learn to shut the fuck up.
Christopher MoltisantiI think he's dyin'.
Must've cracked his windpipe. That's it for him.
Christopher MoltisantiWhat, are you a fuckin' doctor now? What're we gonna do?
Tony SopranoJames Gandolfini · 203 quotes
Paulie WalnutsTony Sirico · 73 quotes
Carmela SopranoEdie Falco · 39 quotes
Silvio DanteSteven Van Zandt · 36 quotes
Uncle JuniorDominic Chianese · 30 quotes
Bobby BaccilieriSteve Schirripa · 29 quotes
Ralph CifarettoJoe Pantoliano · 27 quotes
AJAnthony Junior22 quotes
Jennifer MelfiLorraine Bracco · 22 quotes
Janice SopranoAida Turturro · 21 quotes
Phil LeotardoFrank Vincent · 17 quotes
Richie AprileDavid Proval · 16 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Sopranos pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
