Tony Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

When's the last time you had a prostate exam?

Tony Soprano

Hey, I don't even let anybody wag their finger in my face.

(Melfi cracks up laughing) I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.

Tony Soprano

Don't apologize.

Oh boy...

Tony Soprano

You got a nice laugh.

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Tony Soprano

Alright, lemme hear it.

Jimmy Altieri: Rusty Irish.

Tony Soprano

What about him?

Larry Boy Barese: He took a header off the falls.

Raymond Curto: That's the closest that junkie fuck ever got to a bath.

Larry Boy Barese

Yeah, well I got news for you. That junkie fuck was my biggest earner. During the football season, he moved more cards than 10 guys put together. And another thing, a certain friend of ours should've checked with me before he did a favor for the old man Capri.

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What's the one thing, every woman, your mother, your wife, your daughter, have in common?

Tony Soprano

They all break my balls.

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Tony Soprano

All due respect to New York, I don't think you should be tellin' my uncle how ta run things.

Johnny Sack

You think I got the balls ta drive in from New York and tell your uncle how he should run his family? I shouldn't expect to see the Statue of Liberty again if I did that, huh?

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I bet that gym teacher shit a brick when your little friend puked on his boots, huh Anthony? (Anthony Junior laughs)

Tony Soprano

Wanna encourage him Uncle Jun'?

Hey, whatever happened ta boys will be boys?

He stole from the church.

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Just so you understand,that i have to charge you for the missed session.

Tony Soprano

What are you talkin' about?

We agreed on that on our very first meeting.

Tony Soprano

I know, but i just explained to you my situation.

I understand, but it's important that we respect the agreement.

Tony Soprano

What if i got hit by a car?

But you weren't.

Tony Soprano

I know, but what if?

But you weren't.

Tony Soprano

I know that, but, but what if?

You weren't.

Tony Soprano

Why don't you answer my fuckin' question?

I will not.

Tony Soprano

You won't? All right, fine, fine. Here. Here you go.Of course, 'cause this is what it's all about? Motherfuckin', cocksuckin' money! Here.

I don't understand that comment, and i don't appreciate being made to feel afraid.

Tony Soprano

I don't appreciate feelin' like i pour my heart out to a fuckin' call girl.

Is that how you see me?

Tony Soprano

Not until now. But it's obvious you don't give a shit about my situation or what's happenin' with me! Otherwise, you wouldn't be shakin' me down.

It'll show as "paid" on your next month's bill.

Tony Soprano

Fine.Stick it up your ass.

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Tony Soprano

Let me share wit' you what I suspect about this gangsta rap shit. I think you probably got a degree in sociology from a city college.

MGMassive Genius

I grew up in the projects, Delta-13, killed a man. Later on I got a degree, but urban planning.

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Tony Soprano

I'm not gonna hurt a man that I love because of some cop gossip from a degenerate fuckin' gambler with a badge. You understand me?

Vin Makazian

You know... You got an amazing ability to sum up a man's whole life in a single sentence. "Degenerate gambler with a badge." You're a pisser, you're a real pisser.

Tony Soprano

Well I'm sorry, I'm under a little bit of pressure here. I don't have time to suck your dick.

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Tony Soprano

This better be good. I was takin' my kid fishin'.

Vin Makazian

Ah, Jesus, what...no hiya Vin, how's it doin' Vin, what do ya think Vin...

Tony Soprano

I...I...I thought we understood each other, right? I don't give two shits about you, your family, or whether you take it up the ass.

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Tony Soprano

Nothin's gonna happen.

Wake up Tony. It already did.

Tony Soprano

I took an oath Carmela.

What are you, a kid in a treehouse?

Tony Soprano

Did you ever tell anybody about me goin' ta see Melfi?

Is that why they tried to kill you? Because you're seeing a psychiatrist?

Tony Soprano

What're you talkin' about? It was a carjackin'.

At least have the decency not to lie to me.

Tony Soprano

What do ya wanna do Carmela? You wanna move to Utah? Be Mr. and Mrs. Mike Smith? We...we can sell some Indian relics by the road. Maybe start a rattlesnake ranch.

This is our chance ta get out Tony. We could start a whole new life.

Tony Soprano

Have some Mormons over the dinner. Eat some tomatoes that have no taste.

You know what I want Tony? I want those kids ta have a father.

Tony Soprano

They got one. This one. Me. Tony Soprano. And all that comes with it.

Oh you prick.

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At a meeting

Jimmy; does that answer your concerns?

JAJimmy Altieri

I think a lot of good ground was covered.

OK, I guess that is it.

Meeting is adjourned. Junior talks privately with Tony

You are right; it is him.

Tony Soprano

All of the sudden having a meeting to discuss facts we have already covered. He is wearing a wire.

You have my OK. Just make sure you send a message to everybody else.

New York City. Chris surprises Jimmy by inviting him to an orgy

JAJimmy Altieri

Who was it who told me you hated Russians?

The two men Junior brought around to pound my ass were Russian. For a while I was bitter. However, Tony's cumare is Russian; you could not ask for a nicer girl. These two tonight are friends of hers.

JAJimmy Altieri

I got enough cologne on?

You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.

JAJimmy Altieri

Whoah, easy for you to say. I don't get young ones like before.

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Tony Soprano

(Artie Bucco holds a rifle to Tony's face) My mother?

Artie Bucco

Oh, don't say she's lyin' Ton'...because why would she!!!?

Tony Soprano

What she tell you, my mother?

Artie Bucco

Don't make it worse. Do me the respect of not treating me like a fuckin' idiot piece of shit. When you blew up the restaurant, you made me party to a criminal conspiracy, did you ever stop ta think about that?

Tony Soprano

I don't know what she told you, my mother, of all people...two arson investigators gave that fire a clean bill o' health Artie. Why the fuck would I blow up your restaurant?

Artie Bucco

To help me! You fuckin' bent psycho! You hear your uncle's gonna hurt my business by stagin' a hit in my place and that's yer solution?! To burn it down for the insurance money!!! What kind o' stupid, sick, twisted logic!

Tony Soprano

Ask yourself a question. Am I that fuckin' stupid, huh? Am I that fuckin' stupid, really...?

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I have patients who are suicidal!

Tony Soprano

Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

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Hey, T! Seven and Seven over here. Whoa, whoa, what’s the matter now?

Tony Soprano

What’s the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage. Your two friends beat the shit out of a broker. Two others quit.

The guy was pushing some other stock.

Tony Soprano

It attracts negative attention. Then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building.

I’ll call them.

Tony Soprano

No, you’ll go down there, now. What did you get your license for, Christopher? Your resume, huh? I’ve been telling you; spend more time down at the brokerage. You’re the SEC Compliance Officer for Christ’s sake. You gotta exercise impulse control.

Ok, Tony. I’m sorry.

Tony Soprano

Okay, alright.

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PPsychiatrist

I watch the news like everyone else. I know who you are, and I saw "Analyze This". I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone like yourself.

Tony Soprano

"Analyze This"? Come on, it's a fucking comedy.