Tony Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

Tony Soprano

My cousin Anthony...went into business for himself. We all know this. In a way for which there is no excuse. He's got a problem with rage. He disappointed me, Anthony, in ways that I can't even begin ta tell you. And he put us all at risk. Irregardless, it's been made clear ta me that if they put their hands on him, he will not be dealt with quick. We're talkin' torture. For that reason, even if I knew where my cousin was, and I do not, I would not deliver him up ta them. I am offerin' him the same protection that I would offer any of you in similar circumstances. Now I know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say "Hey, Ton', I would never do what he did." God bless, I hope not. But we are a family, and even in this fucked up day and age that means somethin'. So we're gonna deal with this as a family, together. No matter how it affects anybody...personal safety-wise, financially-wise, whatever. I see that my nephew isn't here and, uh, it's important he lam it now. It's my desire that you circle the wagons, you support him. Until and as such.

Tony Soprano

How 'bout the fact that I hate my son? I come home, he's sittin' on the computer in his underwear...wastin' his time in some chitchat room goin' back an' forth with some other fuckin' jerkoff... gigglin' like a little school girl. I wanna fuckin' smash his fuckin' face in.

Tony Soprano

We can have it all, Phil. Plenty for everybody.

Tony Soprano

I don't know...I look at my key guys...Paulie, Christopher, my brother-in-law, what's number one on their agenda, you know? They're all fuckin' murderers for chrissakes.

Tony Soprano

(to Carlo Gervasi) Maybe you should start suckin' cock instead o' watching TV land, 'cause Vito brought in three times what you do on construction. Yeah! And I didn't have this fuckin' problem!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

What line of work are you in?

Tony Soprano

Waste management consultant.

Livia Soprano

Well, all I know is, daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons.

Tony Soprano

Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

With today's pharmacology, no one needs to suffer with feelings of exhaustion and depression.

Tony Soprano

Here we go. Here comes the Prozac.

She's not coming. Grandma just called. She started crying and hung up.

Tony Soprano

She needs a purpose in life.

Carmela

Your mother is tougher than you think.

So what? No fuckin' ziti now?

Hey!

Tony Soprano

You boys...you boys...I'll tell ya...it's beautiful stuff though. (about Italian suits they were left with after Brendan hijacked a Comley truck)

Brendan Filone

Ton', I'm so sorry-

Tony Soprano

Shut up!

Christopher Moltisanti

Just so long as you realize I had nothin' ta do with this Ton'.

Brendan Filone

Ton', that's true, he stood home-

Tony Soprano

Shut up! You stood home? Did you do anything ta stop it? Did you offer any guidance? What do we mean when we say leadership, hm?

Brendan Filone

Ton', part of it's the crank, you know, but I'm goin' into the detox, swear to my mother.

Christopher Moltisanti

Brendan, shut the fuck up. You wanna get me clipped?

Tony Soprano

You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.

Brendan Filone

Acting boss my ass Ton'. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the Chemosabe.

Tony Soprano

Hey, mikey, how's the boy?

Mikey Palmice

What boy is that, ton'?

Tony Soprano

The one you sleep with.

Mikey Palmice

Ohh.

Tony Soprano

I was just kiddin' ya. How you doin'?

Mikey Palmice

I'm all right.

Tony Soprano

How's my uncle treatin' ya?

Mikey Palmice

We're coverin' our nut. Hey, your nephew, what's he,retarded? He likes to play with trucks or somethin'?

Tony Soprano

"Retarded"? What if jerry lewis heard you talkin' like that?

Mikey Palmice

Oh, that's muscular dystrophy, ton'

Tony Soprano

It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface- it is, huh? They found a cure yet? Come on. I was just kidding you. Come on. You're a good sport. Come on.

Mikey Palmice

All right

Tony Soprano

You all right? You all right?

Mikey Palmice

Yeah. I'm all right.

Tony Soprano

What the hell are you doin'? (after seeing Vin pissing near Green Grove retirement community)

Tony Soprano

An hour? What are you a woman, get a bladder transplant, my mother lives here.

Vin Makazian

Yeah, well, that's not real convenient for me.

Tony Soprano

That's not convenient, I'm sorry, why don't we meet down by your precinct, you know the government would love a few pictures of us together for the scrapbook. (sarcastic)

Meadow Soprano

A couple of weeks ago, me and some friends, we were doing speed. We did kind of a lot of it for a while.

Tony Soprano

You what?!

Meadow Soprano

It was just between homework and SATs and just the general pressure of life, we needed something to keep going.

Tony Soprano

That crap will kill you.

Meadow Soprano

I know.

Tony Soprano

I oughta slap the shit outta you. Where did you get it?

Meadow Soprano

If I thought this was gonna be a lecture, I never woulda told you.

Tony Soprano

Take a reality check, what do you think I'm gonna say? Where did you get it?

Meadow Soprano

No way I'm telling you, especially after this reaction.

Tony Soprano

Why did you tell me?

Meadow Soprano

You were honest to me today. I won't be doing it again, it got too scary.

Tony Soprano

Jesus, right under my nose. Think you'd know.

Meadow Soprano

No dad, you won't.

Tony Soprano

I'm glad you told me, despite of everything.

Meadow Soprano

I'm glad I did too, I'm glad we have that kind of relationship.

Christopher Moltisanti

Yo.

Tony Soprano

What do ya got?

Christopher Moltisanti

Wet shoes.

Tony Soprano

Hey, you chose this life. You don't wanna work in the rain, try for the fuckin' Yankees.