Beer me!
What's that?
Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Lord, beer me strength.
S3 E21Product Recall
Question, what kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False. Black bear.
That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Question, what kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False. Black bear.
That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not—What is going on? What are you doing?!
[cut to Jim in interview]
Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [calculates the total on his watch] eleven dollars.
[cut back to the office]
You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
MICHAEL!
Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!
S3 E22Women's Appreciation
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Phallus?
Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...
S3 E23Beach Games
Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Oh sweet mother of God.
If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Excuse me.
Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.
Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.
Sabotage.
What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
S3 E24The Job
Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.
Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.
Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Oh, hey, Dwight.
I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.
Does my room have cable?
No. And the sheets are made of fire!
Can I change rooms?
Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Can I have a late check-out?
I'll have to talk to the manager.
You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Go.
$80,000 a year.
Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...
[Jim walks in on interview]
Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Yes.
All right. Then... it's a date.
[Jim leaves. Pam smiles and tears up]
I'm sorry, what was the question?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.