[about Dwight] Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing: "You can't bring weapons into the office." And every year, he says the same thing: "As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you."
S8 E5Spooked
Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
Um, two?
That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It's funny isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear?
S8 E6Doomsday
Do you know her last name yet?
Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
She's going to be screaming her own last name?
You're the deuce I never want to drop!
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.
Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
What e-mails are you talking about?
"Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
That's not that bad actually.
"PS: We should kill him."
S8 E7Pam's Replacement
You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.
You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Dwight, am I hot right now?
Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
What about before? Was I attractive before?
Meh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
S8 E8Gettysburg
I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.
The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
S8 E9Mrs. California
Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity, and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.
No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.
S8 E10Christmas Wishes
What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Where? Dark side or light side?
Light side.
Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Thank you, Andy.
Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Ah, OK.
It's about you.
That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?
I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.
Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?
S8 E11Trivia
Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Meat grinder.
[makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.