Toby Flenderson quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. You can only make fun of things that they have control over. Like Oscar, is gay. That is his choice. We can make fun of that. I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.

Toby

Michael, you still can't make fun of people for race or gender or sexual orientation.

Michael

Who let—Who let the lemonhead into the room? You are a waste of life, and you should give up...is what I want to say, but I won't because that is why we're doing this right now. So Toby, welcome to sensitivity training. For real.

Toby

[while Michael makes fart noises] Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.

Michael

You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?! You know what? We're not going to die of radon, we're going to die of boredom.

Michael

Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael

Okay. Alright.

Dwight

You were being really funny, and then you went too far.

Andy

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam

In costumes!

Jim

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

And cups of coffee.

Kevin

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

Toby

Do you know her last name yet?

Gabe

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

Toby

She's going to be screaming her own last name?

Toby

You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.


Ryan

Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.

Toby

You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.


Andy

Why is Nellie still here?

Toby

You can only fire Nellie for cause.

Andy

Then I will make up a cause.

Toby

Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now, if she sues, I have to testify against you.

Andy

Then forget I just told you that.

Toby

I can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. Sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?

Andy

Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

Toby

No, he didn't.