Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage [they touched their noses and smile together]
SWStatler and Waldorf
[laughing hysterically] You're my best friend!
GGonzo
Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.
Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.
GGonzo
Right back at ya, Sylvester.
GGonzo
Well, that was really joyful.
Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
GGonzo
And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
GGonzo
And his pet Birdie!
Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
PBThe Punching Bag
Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.
Okay. [punches the punching bag]
PBThe Punching Bag
[chuckles] Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.
GGonzo
Thank you again for telling me.
Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
DBDouble Bass Player
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
You all have been a wonderful laugh track.
Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
...
O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
GGonzo
Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
GGonzo
You'll live to regret this!
GGonzo
But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
Waldorf:' No, but you do!
GGonzo
What a te-riffic idea! I'll hit the times myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Fifty print to my eyes! Make one mind the complete plate, when eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power, when I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
GGonzo
It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!
Later Seasons
Episodes 316 - 524 (Seasons 3-5: 1979-1981)
Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
She made a dire prediction!
GGonzo
A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.
So — so, what was the dire prediction?
Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!
GGonzo
Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.
Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.
FSFozzie, Scooter and Gonzo
Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?
LZLew Zealand
Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)
Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
JWJonathan Winters
Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.
That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
GGonzo
(gasp!) Your majesty!
You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! [the chickens flock to Paul]
GGonzo
Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
GGonzo
Am I interrupting anything?
Can I tell you something?
You are my favourite muppet.
GGonzo
Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
GGonzo
And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
GGonzo
You don't think I'm musically educated?
Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
GGonzo
Good. Hand me that clarinet. [gestures to Paul's guitar]
Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
GGonzo
But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
[sighs] I feared you would say that.
Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! [laughs]
Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
Terrified? She's petrified! [laughs]
GGonzo
Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, "Sandblasting Without Pain"! [laughs]
Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
GGonzo
Worried about Kermit? Why?
Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! [laughs]
OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
[affectionally] Mmmmmmmm.
Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
Burn them. [leaves to the stage]
[to Miss Piggy] You heard what the frog said. [strikes a match on her]
[painfully] MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
The Muppet Show · 243 quotes
