A character in The Muppet Show
Waldorf
The Muppet Show · 243 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Muppet Show: in 36 of its 243 quotes
Most scenes with: Statler (33), Kermit the Frog (3), Gonzo (2)
That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
[Statler's cigar explodes.]
...although, some of them are really quite droll.
Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.
Yeah, whadya think?
Beats sitting home watching television.
Mahna Mahna!
Yeah, what'd ya think?
Beats sitting at home watching television.
Mahna Mahna!
Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
Yes. It'll drive people to read books.
More! More!
No, not so loud: they may hear you!
Well, did you like the show?
No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.
Pay up, they made it through another one.
Double or nothing on next week's show?
You're on.
I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
What's wrong with it?
The seats face the stage!
Hey, bro!
What?
Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
Really?
You work like Gregory Peck.
Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
Well?
Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
How come we got this half?
Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
That's right.
What's right?
We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
You first!
"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.
Hey, bro!
Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
You know what you're doing wrong?
What I'm doing wrong?
Standing too close to the audience.
Oh, yeah? How is this?
You're still too close.
Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
Now little more.
How far back do you want me to go?
You got a car?
Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
He can't. He's too busy.
Doing what?
Keeping people in!
(to the audience) And you encourage him! Thath's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
Please not while I'm holding it.
That's very funny.
Ah, you can use it.
I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
How come they never reach your mouth?
Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
Not so far!
Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
I couldn't do worse.
Allright.
We should.
Oh, yeah? You sing?
No.
You dance?
No.
Can you get laughs?
No
Then what would you do?
Just what your doing.
Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.
Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
Hey, Berle!
What?
You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Really?
You work like Gregory Peck.
Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Well?
Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
How come we got this half?
Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
That's right.
What's right?
We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
You first!
"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
Hey, hey, Berle!
Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
You know what you're doing wrong?
What'm I doing wrong?
You're standing too close to the audience.
Oh, yeah? [steps back] How is this?
You're still too close.
Oh, sorry. [steps back more] Is this okay?
No, a little more.
How far back do you want me to go?
You got a car?
Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
He can't. He's too busy.
Doing what?
Keeping people in!
[to the audience] And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! [to Statler and Waldorf] You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
Please, not while I'm holding it.
That's very funny.
Ah, you can use it.
I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?
[depressing] Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
Maybe we came at last.
Maybe the show has been cancelled.
Tonight's show has been cancelled.
[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]
Have I died and gone to Heaven?
Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
[to Kermit, off-screen] Should we stay or Should we go?
[to Statler and Waldorf] Why don't you two take the night off? [to the entire audience] Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
[The audiences leaves in disappointment]
[after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
Really? I kind of liked it.
Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!
We're look like members of the rock age!
We're look more like members of the Stone Age! (Both laughed)
So, what did you think?
(Chef and chicken chase continues)
I hate running gags!
Kermit the FrogJim Henson · 55 quotes
SStatler33 quotes
GGonzo24 quotes
Miss PiggyFrank Oz · 20 quotes
Fozzie BearFrank Oz · 18 quotes
SScooter8 quotes
BBeauregard7 quotes
LHLink Hogthrob5 quotes
Milton BerleMilton Berle · 5 quotes
PPiggy5 quotes
SFSgt. Floyd Pepper5 quotes
Paul SimonPaul Simon · 4 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Muppet Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.