Milton Berle quotes from The Muppet Show

Milton Berle

I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Hey, bro!

Berle

What?

Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.

Berle

Really?

You work like Gregory Peck.

Berle

Gregory Peck is not a comedian.

Well?

Berle

Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.

How come we got this half?

Berle

Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?

That's right.

Berle

What's right?

We came in here to be entertained and we're not.

Berle

Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.

You first!

Berle

"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.

Hey, bro!

Berle

Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?

You know what you're doing wrong?

Berle

What I'm doing wrong?

Standing too close to the audience.

Berle

Oh, yeah? How is this?

You're still too close.

Berle

Oh, sorry. Is this okay?

Now little more.

Berle

How far back do you want me to go?

You got a car?

Berle

Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!

He can't. He's too busy.

Berle

Doing what?

Keeping people in!

Berle

(to the audience) And you encourage him! Thath's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.

Please not while I'm holding it.

Berle

That's very funny.

Ah, you can use it.

Berle

I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.

How come they never reach your mouth?

Berle

Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?

Not so far!

Berle

Oh, I see. You think you could do better?

I couldn't do worse.

Berle

Allright.

We should.

Berle

Oh, yeah? You sing?

No.

Berle

You dance?

No.

Berle

Can you get laughs?

No

Berle

Then what would you do?

Just what your doing.

Berle

Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!

Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.

Could I help you out?

Berle

Please.

Which way did you came in?

Funny, Funny, FUNNY!

Milton Berle

Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...

Hey, Berle!

Milton Berle

What?

You know what? I've just figured out your style.

Milton Berle

Really?

You work like Gregory Peck.

Milton Berle

Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

Well?

Milton Berle

Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.

How come we got this half?

Milton Berle

Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?

That's right.

Milton Berle

What's right?

We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!

Milton Berle

Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.

You first!

Milton Berle

"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.

Hey, hey, Berle!

Milton Berle

Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?

You know what you're doing wrong?

Milton Berle

What'm I doing wrong?

You're standing too close to the audience.

Milton Berle

Oh, yeah? [steps back] How is this?

You're still too close.

Milton Berle

Oh, sorry. [steps back more] Is this okay?

No, a little more.

Milton Berle

How far back do you want me to go?

You got a car?

Milton Berle

Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!

He can't. He's too busy.

Milton Berle

Doing what?

Keeping people in!

Milton Berle

[to the audience] And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! [to Statler and Waldorf] You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.

Please, not while I'm holding it.

Milton Berle

That's very funny.

Ah, you can use it.

Milton Berle

I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.

Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?

Milton Berle

Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. "How's it going?" It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.

Well, could I help you out?

Milton Berle

Please, huh?

Which way did you came in?

Milton Berle

[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside] Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!