Fozzie Bear quotes from The Muppet Show

Fozzie Bear

Goodbye everybody.

Fozzie

Bug off? What kind of joke was that?

Kermit

That was no joke, Fozzie.

Fozzie

That was my wife!

Fozzie

My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!

Kermit

I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!

Fozzie

Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.

Kermit

The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?

Fozzie

Well, we worked out a great deal.

Kermit

You pay him by the line?

Fozzie

No, I pay him by the laugh.

Kermit

Oh, then he owes you money.

Oh, what's this?

Fozzie

[in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?

Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?

Fozzie

I don't know, what's on stage now?

Nothing.

Fozzie

NOTHING'S ON STAGE?

Kermit the Frog

Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- [sneezes] ACHOOO!

Fozzie Bear

Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

Kermit

Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.

Fozzie

Yeah.

Kermit

Hey, Scooter, what's next?

Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.

Kermit

What the hey?

First Mate Miss Piggy.

Fozzie

Er, yes, sir!

Did you shave this morning?

Fozzie

Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.

Kermit

What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.

Fozzie

Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.

Kermit

What's all this smoke?

Fozzie

Uh... that is not smoke.

Kermit

It is not smoke? Then what is it?

Fozzie

It's jet exhaust.

Kermit

Jet exhaust?

Fozzie

Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

Fozzie

You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.

Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]

Fozzie

[handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.

Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.

Fozzie

Go get them!

Kermit

And we leave nothing to chance, huh?

Fozzie

Trust me.

Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.

Kermit the Frog

What now?

I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.

Kermit the Frog

Mm-hm.

She made a dire prediction!

A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.

Kermit the Frog

So — so, what was the dire prediction?

Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!

(gasp!)

Kermit the Frog

I don't believe it.

Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.

Kermit the Frog

Gonzo!

Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

Fozzie

Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

Kermit the Frog

Fozzie!

Fozzie

What?

Kermit the Frog

Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.

Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?

Kermit the Frog

The Swedish Chef.

Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

Fozzie Bear

[running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage] Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!

You gave him a one?

He's never been better.