The Loud House · Season 1
[heavily sleep-deprived; tired] Lily, are you tired, yet? It's going on 3:00 AM, sweetie.
Woo! Da-da!
[tired] It's okay, it's not your fault. It's your dad's. [sighs] That is the last time he gives you a chocolate-covered espresso bean for dessert. [imitating her husband] "Uh, I thought it was raisin."
[picks up the phone as it rings while having her cup of coffee] Officer Shirley, what is your emergency?
[frantically] I just saw a toddler--okay, no, wait, my toddler and I just saw a burglar running out of Jean Juan's. [while Officer Shirley starts writing notes] He was a small man or a medium-sized teen. We couldn't see the face. It's dark out, and I'm tired, so my vision is a little blurry.
Ma'am, could you slow down?
But he was definitely stealing food, the fromage con queso, or maybe the churro baguettes. Oh. Oh, that sounds so good right now. [dozes off, but her head hits the steering wheel and accidentally honks it, snapping her awake] Ah! [accidentally drops her phone] Oh, hang on. I dropped my phone. Oh, here it is! Are you still there?
What are you and your kid doing out at 4:00 AM?
Okay, well, my husband gave her an espresso bean, and now she's wide awake. [to Lily as she tries to break free of the seat belt while gnawing on it at the moment] Sweetie, do you have to pee?
[Lily shakes her head no]
[thinking that Rita means her] No, I just went. Listen, hon, you're not the first tired mom to call in a little confused. Last night, we had a lady mistaking a possum for a werewolf. [chuckles] Why don't you go home and get some rest? [hangs up]
Ugh! Can you believe her? [tired] I am not just some tired... confused mom...
Rude!
You know what, Lily? I say we do some investigating of our own. We track down the thief, we get some evidence, and then we call that officer back and say, "Who's confused now?"
Yeah, yeah! This is exciting! We show her!
[stunned to see the thief is revealed to be…] Mrs. Bernardo?!
Well, normally, this is where you clap, but I'll accept stunned silence. [bows]
You're the thief?! Wait, what is going on?! Is this a dream?!
Apologies for scaring you. I'm just training for an audition to play a thief, a crook, a desperado of the night! When I saw you were following me, I decided to roll with it, as they say. [scoffs] Of course, I wasn't going to harm you.
You did all of this to prepare for an audition?! We submerged ourselves in cheese!
[claps] Bravo to that! What an excellent improv.
But what about all the-- [yawns] stuff you stole?
Oh, stinky child. I'm going to put everything back. Thespian's honor. I have done this many times.
Well, this has been one crazy evening, but I suppose I'm partly to blame. I never should have dragged my child along while trying to play detective. Lily, sweetie, I owe you an apology-- [sees Lily now sleeping on one of the benches] Wow. [picks her up] Look at that. I guess chasing you around all night finally put her to sleep.
[enters the Action News Team's newsroom; disappointed] Hey, y'all. [walks over the desk where Lincoln and Clyde are sitting] I'm sorry that yesterday's segment weren't all that and a bunch of oats.
It's okay, dawg. We can't all have this kind of charisma. Uhh, another dizzy spell. [twirls around and faints]
Are you all right, Mee-Maw?
[shivering, still shaken up by the experience] What the heck happened?
Ugh, I was tryin' to shoot another segment for the show, but things got a little outta control.
[angrily] Well, I was almost a goner there, and you'll be doin' extra chores for two years! [Liam looks down in shame; then smiles at him] But I guess you got yourself one heck of a segment.
[wearing a wrestling outfit with spikes everywhere; weakly] Too spiky. [now wearing a fairy costume] Not gonna happen. [now dressed as a clown] No way. [now wearing Lincoln's own clothes] Who wears this here? [gets back in her own usual clothes] Look, folks, this isn't working. None of those feel, I don't know, authentic.
Hmm. Maybe we need to dig a little deeper. Like, my fave wrestler, Pixie Cuts, used to be an actual hairstylist. Her favorite character feels supes authentic.
Yeah. What's Lynn Loud really passionate about?
[Royal Woods Middle School; Lynn is driving around the hallways in her golf cart and all of the students shoot spitballs at her, causing her to lose control and crash into the lockers]
[as Meryl approaches her; weakly] Little help here, Meryl?
[disgusted] For the Brawl Monitor? No way! [shoots more spitballs at her and leaves]
Wow. Even Meryl hates me?
[Reininger's department store in the Royal Woods Mall; Fiona and Miguel are preparing unmotivated for the morning run when Leni enters]
[cheerfully holding a pink box of muffins; off-screen] Morning, fam!
[over intercom] Attention, everyone! It's manager extraordinaire and fashion icon, Leni Loud! She dazzles in a chique-!
[cutting him off] Like I said yesterday, it's too early for this, Miguel.
Look what I brought! [opens the box, revealing four decorated muffins] Ta-da!
Ooooh!
They're Fuffins. [Fiona and Miguel both react confusingly] Like, muffins, but fun.
Ooooh!
[hands each of her friends a muffin; walks over to Tanya with a happy gasp] Hi, Tanya! [hands her a muffin] I can't wait to hear about your date with Bradley from the sports department! [cut to Bradley, another mannequin dressed in tennis gear; gasps] Ooooh! It was a tennis date? LOVE that for you!
[eating her muffin; delighted] Leni, you are the best!
[walks in] Couldn't have said it better myself, Fiona! [takes Miguel's muffin and takes a bite] I just love my Reninger's family. [chuckles, then more serious] Sometimes more than my own. [eats the rest of Miguel's muffin after a pause] Alright, team! Time for pre-opening announcements. First things first, I want to freshen up the store, so, get ready for some big changes around here.
[gasps] Are we finally addressing the employee breakroom smell? I have some theories. [takes out his notepad and flicks through]
[bluntly] No.
[closes his notepad and takes out a recorder; suspicious] Suspect #2 suspiciously changes the subject. Will monitor.
I want to start with the mannequins. The store's current stock are… [takes hold of a nearby mannequin's arm, which breaks off, its head immediately falls to the ground, as a swarm of spiders scuttle out; the rest of the mannequin collapses] Well, that just about says it all. I think it's time we retire them.
[Miguel and Fiona gasp and groan in apprehension; then cut to Leni, who doesn't understand]
[squeals in delight; excitedly] Tanya is going to LOVE retirement!! [hugs Tanya cheerfully] She TOTES deserves it! Oh, I hope she goes to Florida! I can visit her on my spring break!
Leni, I think Ms. Carmichael meant that she is getting rid of the old mannequins, including Tanya.
[gasps in horror and clutches her mannequin friend] You can't just get rid of her! Sure, she's a little quiet and sometimes her limbs fall off. [Tanya's head dislodges, readjusts it] But she's my friend!
Sorry, Leni. I know you've formed an attachment, but it's just a mannequin. [her phone rings] Well, the movers are here to take away the old mannequins right now. [walks away]
I'm sorry, Leni. [walks over to her for comfort] Hey, maybe you'll meet a new Tanya.
I don't want a new Tanya! I have a Tanya! We have to save her! It's like, Miguel, imagine if Ms. C. wanted to throw away your favorite Italian leather belt.
[gasps in horror] Beltissimo!? Over my dead-but-still-very-moisturized body! Okay, I am in! [holds out his hand]
[rolls her eyes, lightly] Eh, why not? [adds her hand]
Save Tanya!
[As Leni, Fiona, and Miguel hide in the recycling room…]
[takes her phone out of her pocket as it rings and gasps to see who's calling] It's Ms. Carmichael! I'll just call her back later!
[takes his phone out of his pocket, shocked to see that Ms. Carmichael is also trying to call him] Sorry, Ms. C! Turn off phone. [turns off his phone] Watch out, Leni. She's probably gonna--
[answers her phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Ms. Carmichael! [gasps in horror] Ms. Carmichael?!
Leni, where are the three of you?! The post-lunch rush is about to start!
[sighs] M-Ms. C, I can explain. See, we left the store to rescue Tanya and bring her back.
[disbelieved] Rescue Tanya? Tanya the mannequin? Wha… Listen, if the three of you are not back at this store ASAP, you will all be fired!
[firmly] Don't be mad at Miguel and Fiona, this was all my idea. But you said it yourself: we're a family at Reininger's. And nowhere does it say that mannequins are excluded. Tanya's like the sister I never had.
Uh, Leni? You have nine sisters.
[annoyed] You know what I mean. [to Ms. Carmichael] Fire me if you have to, but I have to save my friend. [hangs up and sadly groans] You guys need to go back. You can't lose your jobs because of me.
[hugs Leni] As if!
[joins them] Yeah! No mannequin left behind!
[The Morticians are all helping Hank with his groundskeeping duties at the cemetery]
[trimming a grim reaper-shaped hedge] Thanks for your help with all my groundskeeping duties, kids! Now, don't forget, make sure each and every resident gets some TLC.
[cleaning a gravestone as Haiku sets down a pair of orange chrysanthemums in front of one] Haiku, Caroline doesn't like mums. She's a lilac girl.
Thank you, Lucy. [switches the orange mums for lilac flowers] I almost made a grave mistake. [she and Lucy both laugh monotonously]
[driving around on a tractor mower] Hang on, Virgil! I'm gonna pop the wheelie! [speed pasts Morpheus]
[annoyed] Stop hogging the mower, Dante! Gah, worst sharer ever! [groans after Dante drives past him again, blowing grass blades at him]
[playing his keyboard] Boris is jamming on the keys. Any requests from the dead? [suddenly trips on a headstone and ends up getting four keys in his mouth like teeth]
Are you okay, Boris?
[gets up on his own feet and spits out the keys] Boris may just live, sadly. [glances down at the mysterious "unknown" headstone] Oh, I've never noticed that headstone before.
Hmm, neither have I. Hank, who's "Unknown"?
You got me. I know every inch of this graveyard and I don't remember that grave being here.
[gulps nervously, knowing he was the one who placed it there before] Well, people do kick the bucket all the time, so...
How tragic that someone must pass and remain nameless for eternity.
As the Morticians Club, it's our duty to right such ghastly wrongs. I say we hold a séance to find out who rests here, then replace this headstone with one with their name.
[nervously rushes in front of the headstone] No! I don't think we must disturb their own eternal slumber. You know how hard it is to go back to sleep before somebody wakes you up.
A valid point, Dante.
[Dante smiles and sighs in relief]
Boris can play him some nice, soothing bedtime music. [plays a daunting tune on his keyboard, making Dante facepalm and groan in despair]
Great idea, Boris. All of those in a worse favor? [the other members, except Dante, raise their hands and agree] Let the record show that the motion passes with much enthusiasm.
The spirit is within Dante! Please, tell us your name so we may try to honor you with a new gravestone.
[feigning a ghostly spirit] My name is… [blinks and notices an urn on a statue nearby] Urn-- [then notices a goblin statue's knee] Knee-- [then notices a shovel Hank is using to dig up dirt over a another grave] Shovel-- [then finally notices the cemetery's gate] Gate. Ernie Shovelgate. It's nice of you kids to want to get me a new headstone. But, don't go to all that trouble. I'm really shy, so "Unknown" totally works for me. Okay, well, I got to get back to the other side. [shakes himself and pretends to pass out as the smoke clears; then sits up, acting normal] Wow, I guess Ernie doesn't want a new headstone. Bummer, but what can you do? [realizes] That's a rhetorical question.
You know, whenever it's my favorite mother's birthday, she says "Don't go to all of that trouble", which means, "You'd better go to all that trouble."
That's a good point, Haiku. What if Ernie's just being modest? I say we buy him the headstone anyway. After he sees it, I'll bet he rolls over in his grave...in a happy way.
[The Morticians arrive the Cheaper Reaper store to buy a new headstone]
[pushing a shopping cart] Okay, everyone, I know the Cheaper Reaper is a veritable wonderland of bereavement in bulk, but we need to remain focused. Persephone, do you have the club money?
I do. [takes out her purse] And thanks to our embalming fundraiser last weekend, it looks like we have enough to buy Ernie a most splendid tribute.
[to Virgil] Whatever we do, we cannot let them leave here with the headstone! [Virgil tries to point up to a sign that reads…] "You break it, you buy it." [gasps] Virgil, that's it! You're one smart cemetery cat.
[As Dante pushes the "unknown" headstone away and heaves the bag out the ground…]
[off-screen] What are you doing?
[Dante reacts in surprise, accidentally launching the bag into the air and it lands in front of the other Morticians, and they all gasp to see what was inside]
It's not Ernie Shovelgate.
It's…
Auntie Pam?!
Gasp.
[Lightning flashes and Boris plays a note on his keyboard; Inside the bag, was revealed to be three tubs of Auntie Pam's ice cream and an ice cooler]
You buried Auntie Pam's ice cream?
[Dante groans in despair]
So, Ernie wasn't real?
[Dante sadly shakes his head in rejection, realizing his secret is exposed]
But why, Dante? Why did you deceive us?
[glances down at Virgil; then confesses] Because… Because I want to hide my ice cream so none of you can have any. It's cookies and scream, my all-time favorite.
Ugh. It's the riding lawnmower over again. I've said it before and I'll just say it once more: Worst sharer ever.
[The other Morticians agree in disappointment over how Dante deceived them]
Sad but true.
[upset] Sigh. I know. I'm really sorry. But, I'll just feel better, I swear. As a matter of fact… [lifts up one of the ice cream tub and inhales] Uh… Who wants some… [suddenly snatches it back, growling evilly in selfishness; then inhales deeply] You can do it, Dante. Who wants some of my ice cream?
[Royal Woods High School; The Drama Club is waiting for Mrs. Bernardo]
[groans impatiently] Where is Mrs. Bernardo? The cast list for "The Case of the Missing Corgi" should be up by now.
Mm, I can't wait to find out who gets to play the lead, Detective Agatha Mystery.
[Luan and her friends smile at what Amy said. Mrs. Bernardo appears as they get excited.]
Fellow thespians, it is I! Now without further ado, [Lights come on and spotlight focuses on her; gets out a pen] the cast list! [Chuckles while throwing a pen, which spins and lands on the bulletin board, which it flips over and shows the cast list. Drama Club gasps in delight, then run to the list, and don't see cleaner Ed who is cleaning the lockers with paint. He sees Drama Club running past him. Amy knocks over The paint as it spills on his uniform.]
[Comes back] Sorry, Ed! [Goes to the board]
Oh! This is my favorite suede uniform! Oh!
[Drama Club fights with each other upon reaching the board. They come to a stop with lots of people on top of each other. Luan gets up and sees the list.]
[Happily] Oh my gosh! I'm Agatha Mystery!
So, Luan, our brilliant detective, did you crack the case, yet?
The trail went a little cold, but don't worry, I'm gonna figure it out!
[approaching to Amy while running up to the stage] Hey, Amy. Ready to go? [holds out his hand] Let me take your bag.
[notices a red mark on his hand] Rex, what happened to your hand? [takes a close look at it] It looks like… rope burns?
What? No. I… I… uh… scraped my hands in pottery class.
Our school doesn't offer pottery. [realizes] Wait a minute. You cut the rope!
[Mrs. Bernardo, Benny, and Luan all gasp in shock]
What a twist!
[guilty] I'm sorry, Amy. But ever since you got cast as Gertrude, you haven't had any time to hang out with me. I just thought if I scared you, you'd quit the play.
[disgusted] Super selfish, Rex. You and I are through.
[leaves the stage, tearfully] Oh, no!
Well done, Amy! I had no idea you had such stellar investigative skills!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Loud House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
