Dante quotes from The Loud House

I call this emergency meeting to order.

This better be important. We're so not morning people.

Apologies, dear friends. I'm afraid my spell work has suffered since my exile aboard that cruise ship.

[lying on a grave; moaning] Sigh… Big sigh…

Worry not, Lucy. We shall get to the Underworld someday.

It's not that. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my tragic arrival on this Earth.

[confused] Huh?

My 9th birthday.

Haiku

My condolences.

How dreadful.

Oh, why must normie society insist on celebrating life?

I'm afraid my birthdays are even worse than a typical normie celebration. Every year, my family subjects me to the same traditions. [Flashback to one of her birthdays; narrating] They start the day at a frightening pitch.

[barge into her and Lynn's room with balloons, noisemakers, and confetti after she wakes up] Happy Birthday, Lucy!

[narrating] Then they force me to wear the traditional Loud birthday sash. I suspect it's never been washed.

Hey, it's my booger from my 3rd birthday! [eats it, making Lucy gag]

[narrating] Then I'll be subjected to the dreaded bouncy castle, a family birthday staple ever since my dad got it on clearance.

See, Rita? I told you we'd get our money's worth.

[narrating] Then, there's the singing. [shudders] Oh, the singing.

[singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Sigh… finally, the torture ends.

Now in French, les dudes! [starts singing the birthday song in French with the waiters] ♪ Bon anniversaire à toi, bon anniversaire à toi… ♪

Groan… [back to present; the Morticians gasp in horror] I wish my family would just forget about my birthday.

[trimming a grim reaper-shaped hedge] Thanks for your help with all my groundskeeping duties, kids! Now, don't forget, make sure each and every resident gets some TLC.

[cleaning a gravestone as Haiku sets down a pair of orange chrysanthemums in front of one] Haiku, Caroline doesn't like mums. She's a lilac girl.

Haiku

Thank you, Lucy. [switches the orange mums for lilac flowers] I almost made a grave mistake. [she and Lucy both laugh monotonously]

[driving around on a tractor mower] Hang on, Virgil! I'm gonna pop the wheelie! [speed pasts Morpheus]

Morpheus

[annoyed] Stop hogging the mower, Dante! Gah, worst sharer ever! [groans after Dante drives past him again, blowing grass blades at him]

[playing his keyboard] Boris is jamming on the keys. Any requests from the dead? [suddenly trips on a headstone and ends up getting four keys in his mouth like teeth]

Are you okay, Boris?

[gets up on his own feet and spits out the keys] Boris may just live, sadly. [glances down at the mysterious "unknown" headstone] Oh, I've never noticed that headstone before.

Hmm, neither have I. Hank, who's "Unknown"?

You got me. I know every inch of this graveyard and I don't remember that grave being here.

[gulps nervously, knowing he was the one who placed it there before] Well, people do kick the bucket all the time, so...

Haiku

How tragic that someone must pass and remain nameless for eternity.

As the Morticians Club, it's our duty to right such ghastly wrongs. I say we hold a séance to find out who rests here, then replace this headstone with one with their name.

[nervously rushes in front of the headstone] No! I don't think we must disturb their own eternal slumber. You know how hard it is to go back to sleep before somebody wakes you up.

A valid point, Dante.

Boris can play him some nice, soothing bedtime music. [plays a daunting tune on his keyboard, making Dante facepalm and groan in despair]

Great idea, Boris. All of those in a worse favor? [the other members, except Dante, raise their hands and agree] Let the record show that the motion passes with much enthusiasm.

The spirit is within Dante! Please, tell us your name so we may try to honor you with a new gravestone.

[feigning a ghostly spirit] My name is… [blinks and notices an urn on a statue nearby] Urn-- [then notices a goblin statue's knee] Knee-- [then notices a shovel Hank is using to dig up dirt over a another grave] Shovel-- [then finally notices the cemetery's gate] Gate. Ernie Shovelgate. It's nice of you kids to want to get me a new headstone. But, don't go to all that trouble. I'm really shy, so "Unknown" totally works for me. Okay, well, I got to get back to the other side. [shakes himself and pretends to pass out as the smoke clears; then sits up, acting normal] Wow, I guess Ernie doesn't want a new headstone. Bummer, but what can you do? [realizes] That's a rhetorical question.

Haiku

You know, whenever it's my favorite mother's birthday, she says "Don't go to all of that trouble", which means, "You'd better go to all that trouble."

That's a good point, Haiku. What if Ernie's just being modest? I say we buy him the headstone anyway. After he sees it, I'll bet he rolls over in his grave...in a happy way.

[pushing a shopping cart] Okay, everyone, I know the Cheaper Reaper is a veritable wonderland of bereavement in bulk, but we need to remain focused. Persephone, do you have the club money?

I do. [takes out her purse] And thanks to our embalming fundraiser last weekend, it looks like we have enough to buy Ernie a most splendid tribute.

[to Virgil] Whatever we do, we cannot let them leave here with the headstone! [Virgil tries to point up to a sign that reads…] "You break it, you buy it." [gasps] Virgil, that's it! You're one smart cemetery cat.

Haiku

[off-screen] What are you doing?

It's not Ernie Shovelgate.

It's…

Morpheus

Auntie Pam?!

Gasp.

You buried Auntie Pam's ice cream?

So, Ernie wasn't real?

But why, Dante? Why did you deceive us?

[glances down at Virgil; then confesses] Because… Because I want to hide my ice cream so none of you can have any. It's cookies and scream, my all-time favorite.

Morpheus

Ugh. It's the riding lawnmower over again. I've said it before and I'll just say it once more: Worst sharer ever.

Sad but true.

[upset] Sigh. I know. I'm really sorry. But, I'll just feel better, I swear. As a matter of fact… [lifts up one of the ice cream tub and inhales] Uh… Who wants some… [suddenly snatches it back, growling evilly in selfishness; then inhales deeply] You can do it, Dante. Who wants some of my ice cream?

I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?

All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.

And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.

Haiku

There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…"sporty?"

Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.

Magic!

Morpheus

Complaining.

Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.

[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed] Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.

A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.