Chidi quotes from The Good Place

Chidi

Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night?

Simone

Ohh! Wow! My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist!

Chidi

Right, um...so, if-if I understand your state of mind, it's basically Solipsism. You think you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.

Simone

Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.

Chidi

No offense, but Solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, ESPECIALLY for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However...

Simone

[scoffs] Dude...

Chidi

What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact...

Simone

[scoffs] Dude!

Chidi

Whaaaaaat? IT'S NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Leave that on your nose for the rest of time.

Simone

Fine. Point sort of taken.

Chidi

You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like...knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just...generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?

Simone

Okay. Keep talking, Probably-Fake-But-MAYBE-REAL-Philosopher Man.

Jason

Dude! Thanks to you, my dream came true! I have a shiny new budhole! You okay, homey?

Chidi

NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK.

Chidi

'AAAAAAAAAY Eleanor and Michael are here, what a fun surprise!

Michael

You've done some redecorating!

Chidi

Uh, YES, my apartment was decorated in one way and now it has been...RE-decorated.

Eleanor

And how is Jianyu?

Chidi

I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here!

Michael

We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.

Chidi

...Actually, I don't think I can make it.

Eleanor

Oh! Why not?

Chidi

I just remembered...I CAN make it, so I will see you there. 'Kay. Bye!

Jason

What's wrong, homie?

Chidi

Brent wrote this book and clearly, he put some of us in it. There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who "wears glasses and sweater vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool". I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?

Jason

If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy. Almost everything I did on Earth, I did without thinking or worrying about what would happen. That's how I got my nickname: The Defendant.

Chidi

Not the best argument, but you're-you're right. What is something spontaneous that I can do right now? Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days.

Jason

Better idea: let's dance, baby!

Chidi

Hmm?

Jason

Get you out of your head! This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd!

Chidi

...Yeah. Look at ol' Igby MOVE!

Jason

There you go!

Chidi

Yeah, I've never heard this before, who is it?

Jason

Me! I wrote it. The song is called, "I'll Love You Forever," parentheses, "(Make that Bootie Bounce in the Bath)". Oh, fun fact: the police sirens in the background are real. I was being chased as I recorded it.

Chidi

Okay...okay! OHO NO.

OH. MY. GAGA.

Simone

I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.

Chidi

You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.

Simone

I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.

Chidi

Oh, so romantic.

Simone

Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.

Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy?

Chidi

What is your problem with her?

I mean, shorts? "Cathy"?

What ISN'T my problem with her?

Simone

...Jianyu? Are you okay, you look sweaty.

Tahani

Oh no, he's fine. He always sweats when he's meditating. He calls it "sweat-itating".

Tahani

No, I mean, um, he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

Tahani

...I'm friends with Sting!

Eleanor

Guys, we are so sorry about your ordeal. We just have a few questions for you, uh, where are John and Simone? We can't find them.

Chidi

They...left. I don't know where they went.

Brent

Typical. Disloyal jerks.

Chidi

You know, man, actually...they REALLY tried with you and you made it very hard to be your friend.

Brent

You wanna know what happened? They got jealous because I'm going to the Best Place. They bugged out.

Chidi

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE BEST PLACE! Don't you get it? They're torturing you. They're torturing ALL OF US!

Chidi

Because this is the BAD Place.

Eleanor

Awww, MAN! I can't believe you figured it out!

Brent

Wait...he's RIGHT? This is the BAD Place?

Eleanor

Yeeeah...dammit, he's right...

Michael

Yeah, we had a good run, though, didn't we?

Eleanor

Yeah, we did.

Brent

So...no Best Place?

Eleanor

[mockingly] "OH SO NO BEST PLACE?"

Michael

Oh, Brent, you big white oaf. Never change, bud. [chuckles]

Eleanor

Well, I guess we should let them know you guys are on your way.

Michael

Yeah.

Brent

Wait...on our way WHERE?

Michael

The ACTUAL Bad Place, They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...[squeaks while pointing downward, then leans toward Brent's ear] And trust me on this: It's a LOT WORSE.

It WORKED?

Young Chidi

Perfectly. They're HAPPY again, Uzo. They're even talking about getting me a puppy! But more importantly, I proved once and for all that you can always find the answer.

The answer to what?

Young Chidi

To anything! Every problem has an answer. If you just read enough books and think hard enough, you can figure out the answer to any question.

I know you're really smart, but that sounds wrong.

Children? Please take your seats.

Young Chidi

Here's a perfect example: where to sit? What's the answer? Obviously, we want to be back by the pencil sharpener, but in the front I can see the blackboard better...

Young Chidi

…Or by the door to get a nice breeze.

Chidi...

Young Chidi

Just hang on. Sorry....ooooooooh no...

Chidi

So? What do you think?

I think it's 3,600 pages. I have a JOB, Chidi. I have A FAMILY. Until I had to read this, I had a WILL TO LIVE. This work is an insane, tangled web of inscrutability.

Chidi

In the fun, "grad students will analyze this for centuries" way?

No, in the Unabomber way.

Chidi

Okay...well, um...I'll write my way out of the maze. I'll re-outline the middle chapters, do more research-

NO, Chidi. You can't answer every question every philosopher has ever asked, so...what in these pages do you care about?

Chidi

All of it. Equally.

Shut up.

Chidi

...But-

Shut up, shut up.

Chidi

Should I-

Shut up! SHUT. UP.

The greatest works of modern philosophy are emotional. They make an argument about how the world is and OUGHT to be. There is a great mind at work in here, but where is the heart? Where are the GUTS?

Chidi

I understand. I do. So, I'm going to go home and...compose a short paper for you.

Chidi

Arguing that I should continue working on this longer paper.

SHUT! UP!

Chidi

Janet?

Hi there.

Chidi

Hi. Uh, can I have, uh, a pen and some paper?

Chidi

[as he writes] I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do, but...if we do cross paths again... [tears page out and gives to Janet] ...sometime, somewhere...can you get this back to me?

Of course.

Chidi

I'm ready.

Chidi

Hey, uh, Janet? Can I have my note, please?

If you know that you wrote a note, then...you know what it says.

Chidi

I do, uh, but I-I'd still like to see it again. Please. I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done.

Tahani

So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.

Shawn

I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.

Michael

Really?

Shawn

NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me?

Eleanor

DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever.

Shawn

And?

Chidi

The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES.

Shawn

Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose.

Michael

Shawn, listen to reason!

Shawn

WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.

Jason

Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.

Shawn

I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be SO...long.

Idiots.

AW NUTS. How did I fall for that!?

Chidi

Please have a seat, Your Honor.

I already told you: I am NOT interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.

Okay. Here he is.

Ma'am.

You MADE me an OLYPHANT? [celebrates.]

I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.

[saunters up to Timothy Olyphant.] Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.

Chidi

So, these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job.

Eleanor

To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay.

Chidi

NO.

Eleanor

Okay, fine, bi.

Chidi

Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be...people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship...

Jason

I think we just start with the gimmes. The very best people who ever lived, so...Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff...a genie so we can wish for infinity people.

Chidi

Jason-

Jason

Sure, throw me in there, too, ALSO Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive! [sighs] Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone!

Chidi

Hey. Um...I'm sorry I said that before, man.

Jason

No...you were right. Janet and I ARE different. Maybe it can't last. Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.

Chidi

How do you know that?

Jason

I read SOME books, man, jeez!

Chidi

[sighs] All right, listen...maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.

Jason

Do you really believe that?

Chidi

Of course I do.

Jason

SUCKER!

Chidi

...Sorry?

Jason

I got you SO BAD! Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor!

Chidi

...Against all odds, I know what you mean and I-I got to give it up. That was...that was good.

Jason

Yeah, it was! Chess...MATE.

Tahani

That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.

Eleanor

Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over.

Michael

No...it's YOU guys.

Jason

...ffffor real?

Michael

The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!

Michael

I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.

Chidi

Are you coming, too?

Michael

Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we?

Jason

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Chidi

Weird...

Jason

Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.

Eleanor

But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!

Eleanor

It was a classic moment, don't judge me!

I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-

Tahani

A mish-mash of all four of us.

Eleanor

[sighs] It's PERFECT.