ChidiUm, hi, are you, uh…are you-are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?
HHypatia
Yup, how's it hangin'?
Chidi
[barely able to contain himself] IT'S HANGING REALLY WELL! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be...still, you know...Ancient Greek.
HHypatia
Oh! Well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently, um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, "Gangnam Style"...I feel like I get it.
Chidi
It's really her. I-I can just tell, somehow, it's HYPATIA OF ALEXANDRIAAAAAA
I KNOW, BABE, yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?
Chidi
Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh? Or in the Ancient Greek, "who-PUH-tee-uh?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.
HHypatia
You know what, just call me Patty.
Chidi
Okay, WELL...PATTY. I'm a HUGE fan. I had a poster of you on my wall in high school, actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from "The Matrix," but that's how I imagined you would look because YOU'RE SO COOL!
Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?
Chidi
She's ONE of 'em!
PPatty
Wanna get a milkshake? I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense. Let's get a milkshake. Yeah. They make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust. It's pretty good.
Chidi
Okay! YEAH! Getting milkshakes with Patty!
Chidi
Um...but can I ask you a couple of questions first? Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality-
PPatty
Wait, wait, wait, wait...are you...what's it called, umm...a think-book-man? No, umm...a think-READ-book-man.
Chidi
A philosopher, yes!
PPatty
Sorry! It's been SO long, my brain is foggy. Listen carefully before I forget how to say this: you gotta help us, we are SO SCREWED.
Chidi
............we are?
Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.
I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.
Chidi
So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.
You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.
PPaltibaal
What will happen when we go through it?
Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.
You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?
Seems like they're into it!
This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started re-watching "The Leftovers". Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity. Michael? Update?
Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in: Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas...
Chidi
YES!!
Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller.
She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.
"Where's the beef?" lady got in, SO...that's fun. Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.
VVicky
Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting. But pre-acting? Well...that's just being.
Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis. Shawn, what you got?
Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.
There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good and it's working. Come on, admit it.
I will never...ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever ever, ever...ever...EVER admit that.
Chidi
Hey there, Doug.
Chidi
Having fun?
DDoug
I've had so much chicken!
Chidi
It's probably good you chose your young body.
I'm okay, Michael. How are you?
Well, I'm sad, and I know you're the most advanced being in the universe, but I feel like I need to tell you: it's okay if you're sad, too.
I know. And I am a little, but also, I know this is the right time for him to leave. I really am okay, I promise.
Will you come talk to me if you're not?
I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi
Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Chidi
[sighs] ...Picture a wave...in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore...and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a a different way for the water to be...for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean...where it came from...and where it's supposed to be.
Chidi
Not bad.
Chidi
None of this is bad.
I need you to do me one last favor.
Chidi
Mm-hmm?
Say good-bye to me now...and leave before I wake up.
The Good Place · 289 quotes
