Chidi quotes from The Good Place

Chidi

Here's the thing about me. You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes. All the time. It's just the constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of oorrr things that I want or want to want, or want to want to wa...

Eleanor

You're grindin' in there right now, bud.

Eleanor

What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.

Chidi

Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?

Eleanor

You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Eleanor

Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi

Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Jason

I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Tahani

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

Chidi

Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?

Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

Chidi

Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT?

Michael

Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July.

And sometimes it's never.

Michael

That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it.

Chidi

...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.

Hey. You wanna talk to God?

Chidi

"God is dead. God remains dead and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?!" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.

I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird!

Chidi

You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad...

Chidi

Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?

Chidi

All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples?

Chidi

Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.

Tahani

The gift will be anonymous.

Chidi

Next, there's Consequentialism; the basis for judgement about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action; how much utility or good did it accomplish versus how much pain or bad.

Chidi

And finally, there's Deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that EVERYONE must adhere to in a functioning society.

Chidi

Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies: all THREE of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The TRUE meaning of life -- the ACTUAL ethical system that you should all follow -- is NIHILISM. The world... is EMPTY. There is NO POINT... to ANYTHING and you're JUST GONNA DIE. So DO WHATEVER! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and YOU ALL... can jump. Up. Your own. BUTTS.

Is that gonna be on the test?

Chidi

Yes. And no. And you all get A's. or F's. And there is no test. And you all failed it. And you all got A's. Who cares? Goodbye. GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

Eleanor

Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feelin' all right?

Chidi

I feel fine! I DO have a stomachache. Why do I ALWAYS have a stomachache?

Eleanor

Well, you just ate fifty pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak. But I have a plan. Come with me.

Eleanor

NAH-AH-AH. Leave that chili, weirdo.

Eleanor

Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!

Tahani

Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.

Jason

Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Don't.

Michael

No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.

Eleanor

Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Michael

When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.

Chidi

Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?

Those two things have very similar smells.

Chidi

Hey, there, Smashy, before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?

Eleanor

I can't take this anymore, man! All the running and the hiding and the fighting and this whole insane journey and now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like FOUR Oreos! We're FOUR OREOS FROM HEAVEN!!

Chidi

I know, I know, I know, it's an insane situation.

Chidi

But! I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath.

Eleanor

Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.

Chidi

...How? Why?

Michael

Now...watch your step.

Chidi

Hey, so...yeah, so...I don't wanna go in there.

Michael

I get that.

Michael

Here's your options. Option Number One...

Eleanor

Cruel...but necessary.

Chidi

I…I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming…a single blade.

Michael

Yeah, yeah. The Time-Knife. We've all seen it.

Chidi

This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly?

Eleanor

Well, in the memories I watched, this is where we fell in love, so I figured: why mess with success? I mean, BLUEGH, what am I saying, this house is stupid and you're lame and I hate you.

Chidi

I love you, too.

Eleanor

So. The plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline.

Michael

The Judge has given us to tomorrow morning until we have to bring in the other two subjects. Tahani. The welcome party will be tomorrow night.

Chidi

And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I...won't know any of you.

Jason

So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and ate pizza together?

Chidi

No, buddy, I won't.

Jason

Will you remember when we...ordered the pizza?

Chidi

No.

Jason

Will you...remember...pizza?

Chidi

Will I remember what pizza...is?

Chidi

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

Jason

Okay, so not a total loss.

Eleanor

I don't normally cry at movies…but that one was pretty good. [sniffs] That girl was hot. The guy was, too.

Chidi

I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Eleanor

Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.

Chidi

I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

Eleanor

It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack.

Chidi

But I believe in you. [sniffs] I’m not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me.

Eleanor

I wish we had more time together.

Chidi

Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the I forever.

Eleanor

Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and-

Chidi

Reading lights! I LOVE reading lights! They are GREAT for reading.

Eleanor

And OH! Check this out. Um...hold out your hand...

Eleanor

...and think about a book.

Chidi

I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer; this is LITERALLY my number one dream! Also: Ow! That hurt.