Whoever you are, show yourself.
HIHooded Individual
Oh....hold on, the hood is caught in my glasses.
GGlenn
Hi. I'm Glenn from the Bad Place.
EleanorYeah, what do you want, creep?
GGlenn
No one knows I'm here, and I have some important information. Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone.
Eleanor
Whatever you need to say to me, you can say right here.
GGlenn
I don't think I should. It would lead to a very uncomfortable social situation.
Eleanor
SAY IT.
GGlenn
...That's not Michael. That's Vicky the demon in a Michael suit and she's sabotaging your experiment.
GGlenn
You see? It's-it's uncomfortable.
Eleanor
Get in there.
Eleanor
What IS all this stuff? Are these weapons?
Oooh, don't touch those, ha ha! Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.
Eleanor
Oooh, they're sex toys!
Eleanor
OH THEY'RE SEX TOYS
Dude, get out of here, we have enough problems.
My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy.
Ho-HO, I know THAT sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper.
I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe life!
Eleanor
Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.
But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!
Eleanor
I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.
I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.
ETEleanor and Tahani
WHAT?
I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.
Eleanor
Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?
But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.
Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.
Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.
I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.
Eleanor
Dude, what were you thinking?
I just wanted to be useful! All I ever get to do here is throw parties, which is all I ever got to do back on Earth and now I've ruined everything.
Eleanor
No. You gave us a way out.
Eleanor
No, you made things difficult in a new way, but I can make it work.
Well, the important thing is: I did something.
Eleanor
Be quiet and follow my lead.
Eleanor
And now...[drumroll]
Eleanor
...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason!
Eleanor
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...
Eleanor
Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.]
Eleanor
Thank you, I accept.
Eleanor
I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?
MMichael (Narrating)
It was a real high point.
The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.
[Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?
Eleanor
As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most? The everlasting friendships you made? The adversity you overcame together? The day everything was chocolate?
That day was awesome! I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It was all chocolate!
EEleanor (in video)
You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight, just in case?
Eleanor
I know, I know, all right? I'll take it out. I'm a little tired, okay? Lay off.
Eleanor
So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?
There IS a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.
It did not work. I'll be right back.
Eleanor
Guys, we are so sorry about your ordeal. We just have a few questions for you, uh, where are John and Simone? We can't find them.
They...left. I don't know where they went.
You know, man, actually...they REALLY tried with you and you made it very hard to be your friend.
You wanna know what happened? They got jealous because I'm going to the Best Place. They bugged out.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE BEST PLACE! Don't you get it? They're torturing you. They're torturing ALL OF US!
Because this is the BAD Place.
Eleanor
Awww, MAN! I can't believe you figured it out!
Wait...he's RIGHT? This is the BAD Place?
Eleanor
Yeeeah...dammit, he's right...
Yeah, we had a good run, though, didn't we?
Eleanor
Yeah, we did.
Eleanor
[mockingly] "OH SO NO BEST PLACE?"
Oh, Brent, you big white oaf. Never change, bud. [chuckles]
Eleanor
Well, I guess we should let them know you guys are on your way.
The ACTUAL Bad Place, They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...[squeaks while pointing downward, then leans toward Brent's ear] And trust me on this: It's a LOT WORSE.
Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Eleanor
Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.
If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that-
Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.
Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.
Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.
Eleanor
In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.
Hang on. THIS is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.
Awesome! And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, juuuust wait a minute!"
Eleanor
We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable: the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.
Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.
Eleanor
Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful"...and "You don't buy bras at Home Depot"...and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
Eleanor
She was the best friend I ever had and I loved her.
Oh, thank you so much, that was wonderful!
I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals.
Eleanor
Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt.
Eleanor
When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety, he started doing pushups and basically never stopped.
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.
But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.
That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.
Eleanor
Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy...
Eleanor
...so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
Eleanor
Indeed. Statham forever. Amen.
I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life: a bar in a house she was not invited to.
Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.
Eleanor
Well...
But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out...I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.
Eleanor, I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.
That's when the foam cannons go pshh! Explode outward! And then back to the song.
Eleanor
OKAY OKAY WE'RE GOOD. Thank you...
Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right.
You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
[choking up]...Mmm-hmm...
Well...that wasn't so hard, now was it?
The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
Eleanor
...buuuuhhh Earth is WHAT, now?
All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...because I'm rebooting everything! Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
Eleanor
What are you waiting for? Do it!
It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset.
Eleanor
Man...Janet, can I please have a drink with a lot of alcohol in it?
Here, I saved this from my funeral. It's called a Duval Ditchwater. It's Midori, Coffee-Mate, and ditch water.
I'll get you a margarita.
Eleanor
Yeah, that sounds better.
It's not! Seriously, try this.
So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.
I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.
NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me?
Eleanor
DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever.
The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES.
Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose.
WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.
I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be SO...long.
The Good Place · 289 quotes
