MMichal
FORK this! If we're gonna lose, let's lose on our own terms. Let's come up with a completely new idea that ACTUALLY makes the universe better.
EleanorAmen. At least then, we can hold our heads high. Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about ten minutes.
Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through. Multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here...all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife...all happened so that we could be here, together...as the VERY BEST versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem...in the nick of time.
Eleanor
Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.
So, these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job.
Eleanor
To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay.
Eleanor
Okay, fine, bi.
Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be...people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship...
I think we just start with the gimmes. The very best people who ever lived, so...Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff...a genie so we can wish for infinity people.
Sure, throw me in there, too, ALSO Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive! [sighs] Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone!
That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.
Eleanor
Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over.
The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!
I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.
Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we?
Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.
Eleanor
But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!
Eleanor
It was a classic moment, don't judge me!
I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-
A mish-mash of all four of us.
Eleanor
[sighs] It's PERFECT.
Um, hi, are you, uh…are you-are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?
HHypatia
Yup, how's it hangin'?
[barely able to contain himself] IT'S HANGING REALLY WELL! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be...still, you know...Ancient Greek.
HHypatia
Oh! Well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently, um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, "Gangnam Style"...I feel like I get it.
It's really her. I-I can just tell, somehow, it's HYPATIA OF ALEXANDRIAAAAAA
Eleanor
I KNOW, BABE, yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?
Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh? Or in the Ancient Greek, "who-PUH-tee-uh?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.
HHypatia
You know what, just call me Patty.
Okay, WELL...PATTY. I'm a HUGE fan. I had a poster of you on my wall in high school, actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from "The Matrix," but that's how I imagined you would look because YOU'RE SO COOL!
Eleanor
Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?
PPatty
Wanna get a milkshake? I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense. Let's get a milkshake. Yeah. They make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust. It's pretty good.
Okay! YEAH! Getting milkshakes with Patty!
Um...but can I ask you a couple of questions first? Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality-
PPatty
Wait, wait, wait, wait...are you...what's it called, umm...a think-book-man? No, umm...a think-READ-book-man.
PPatty
Sorry! It's been SO long, my brain is foggy. Listen carefully before I forget how to say this: you gotta help us, we are SO SCREWED.
Eleanor
Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.
Eleanor
I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.
So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.
You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.
PPaltibaal
What will happen when we go through it?
Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.
You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?
Eleanor
Seems like they're into it!
Eleanor
I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
Eleanor
I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
[sighs] ...Picture a wave...in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore...and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a a different way for the water to be...for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean...where it came from...and where it's supposed to be.
Eleanor
Not bad, Buddhists.
Eleanor
I need you to do me one last favor.
Eleanor
Say good-bye to me now...and leave before I wake up.
What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.
Eleanor
I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me: "The true joy is in the mystery."
Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?
Eleanor
Only if you say that thing I taught you.
...I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence...but I LOVE to watch you leave.
Eleanor
There we go.
The Good Place · 289 quotes
