Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[referring to who's buying her breakfast] It's Alvin.

Rose

Alvin from the boardwalk?

Sophia

No Rose, Alvin from The Chipmunks.

Sophia

He's not coming back, is he?

Dorothy

No, Ma. His daughter took him to a clinic in New York.

Sophia

You think he'll remember me?

Dorothy

I don't know, Ma.

Sophia

I'll remember him.

Sophia

It figures. I just finished the scarf today.

Dorothy

That's nice, Ma! Next time we're in New York, you can stop by and bring it to him.

Sophia

No, I think I'll mail it. That way, I can always think of him as being here.

Sophia

Hey! Someone's sitting there!

Sophia

[in a flashback] Where are you goin'?

To get some air.

Sophia

We got air in the house.

I like beer with my air.

Rose

Girls, wait a minute! We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here! Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids for the almighty dollar?

Yes!

Rose

I just wanted to be sure we were in agreement.

Rose

[to Baby] There you are; you get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!

Sophia

All right, I'm going, I'm going... oh sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

Sophia

[describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.

Dorothy

Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?

Sophia

I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5 in my pocket, here Dorothy. A lifetime's supply.

[asking the veterinarian after Baby's collapsed] How is Baby, doc?

Sophia

I read in Newsweek they ran him out of Haiti!

Blanche

Well then everything was just a misunderstanding, and Norman really did dump me for a fat woman!

Sophia

No kidding, fatter than you?

Sophia

[to Marguerite] So what's all this about you putting a curse on my daughter?

Dorothy

[doomed] We're all gonna be turned into kumquats.

Dorothy

Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].

Rose

Why not?

Dorothy

It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.

Blanche

Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!

Dorothy

She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!

Rose

Are you all right, Sophia?

Sophia

Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.

Rose

For your mussels marinara?

Sophia

No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.

Rose

Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.

Sophia

[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.

Blanche

Depressing.

Dorothy

Awful.

Rose

Stinky.

Sophia

[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

Blanche

My backside is spread all across the front page! How could they do that?

Sophia

They probably used a wide-angle lens.

Dorothy

Ma, ma, you promised you'd stay in your room 'til the meeting was over.

Sophia

Who am I, ALF?

Dorothy

[examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!

Sophia

And those look like Blanche's red shoes!

Dorothy

And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?

Rose

That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!

Dorothy

It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.

Sophia

Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy. There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one, I'm never wrong.

Dorothy

Oh, come on. Ma, remember your hunch about your nephew Angelo? You said one day he'd be pope!

Sophia

Dorothy, you gotta pay attention! I said one day he'd sell dope! What do you think he went to Attica for? The volleyball program?