Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Rose, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable having you work for me.

Sophia

I do. You wanna be my servant, Rose?

Rose

Blanche, I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about little things, like doing your laundry.

Sophia

My laundry's more fun, Rose.

Rose

It's the only way I'll feel better about losing your earrings.

Sophia

Ever see panties from the '20's, Rose? They got pockets!

Dorothy

Ma, you can't sleep either?

Sophia

No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.

Blanche

[on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!

Rose

You mean your sister Virginia?

Blanche

No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!

Dorothy

Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?

Blanche

He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!

Sophia

And I bet you liked showing it to him!

Rose

Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew in St. Olaf!

Sophia

Please, no one say "what woman?"

Rose

You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.

Sophia

Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.

Dorothy

Ma, the man is dead.

Sophia

Longer than you think.

Blanche

[on the difference between Jake and her "ideal" man] But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right, and I'm not going to compromise my standards either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come. [leaves]

Dorothy

Now what was that supposed to mean?

Sophia

I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.

Sophia

A few more snacks like that and the only thing you'll be able to fit into is a saddle.

Blanche

I'm not gonna eat all of this at once, Sophia. There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.

Sophia

I never cared for that show. Every single episode, Lucy said the same thing. "Ricky, why can't I be in the show? Ricky, why can't I be in the show?" Why couldn't she be in the show? The woman was a riot at home. His show at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?

Rose

I'll do it, I'll be the plant.

Sophia

You are a plant.

Dorothy

Well, if anybody's going to do it, it should be me.

Al Mullins

Why you?

Dorothy

Because I am the best under pressure.

Sophia

And she bears a striking resemblance to Barnaby Jones.

Al Mullins

We'll use the bathroom as a lookout and the kitchen as a base.

Sophia

Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.

Dorothy

We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.

Sophia

Check! ...What's a lanai?

Dorothy

The porch!

Sophia

Excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

Sophia

Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?

Rose

Milestone? She's 88.

Sophia

Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!

Rose

[on why she loves washing dishes] In Minnesota, the whole family'd get together and wash dishes. Even Uncle Gustav, after the giant Swiss Army Knife accident, learned to dry dishes with his feet. We used to laugh and carry on and have such a happy time.

Sophia

What is it with you people? All you ever had were happy times?! It's sickening! Happy times freezing in the cold, happy times during the locust invasion, happy times eating reindeer! How about death, did you have happy times then?

Rose

Yes, actually, we did. It was a chance to get together and remember other happy times!

Sophia

She's beginning to get to me.

Sophia

I'm making a scarf for a friend I don't have anymore.

Rose

I know exactly how you feel. [holds up a pair of teddy bear-sized overalls] I made these for Fernando.

Sophia

[referring to the bench] Someone sitting there?

Cataracts or glaucoma?