Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

"Other girls who will take their money." Do you know who they think we are?

Rose

Waitresses!

Dorothy

No Rose, hookers.

Rose

Downtown? He means jail!

Dorothy

Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.

Rose

I've never been in jail. I won't make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don't let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!

Dorothy

You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?

Rose

We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.

Dorothy

Johnny No-Thumbs ?

Rose

Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]

Dorothy

Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!

Sophia

Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]

Rose

He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.

Rose

Where are you going?

Dorothy

To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

Mr. Pfeiffer

How about Thursday night?

Rose

Thursday night?

Blanche

Are you crazy?

Sophia

Not Thursday, hell no!

Mr. Pfeiffer

Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.

Rose

Mrs. Claxton's soul is part of that tree now, Sophia.

Sophia

That's really lovely... and it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects!

Rose

Dorothy. Something terrible has happened.

Dorothy

OH GOD!

Sophia

You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Dorothy

Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

Sophia

I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

Dorothy

That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?

Sophia

You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.

Dorothy

Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

Sophia

Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.

Dorothy

I cannot watch any more of this.

Rose

[coming in with Blanche] Hi.

Sophia

Wrong button. That's fast forward.

Rose

Oh, my.. what are they doing?

Blanche

I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.

Rose

It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!

Sophia

That's reverse, Dorothy.

Blanche

I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.

[about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?

Rose

I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.

Dorothy

I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

Dorothy

Let's take it from the top.

Rose

From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!

Dorothy

[pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.

Rose

[tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]

Dorothy

Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]

Dorothy

[singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!

Rose

I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.

Dorothy

Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."

Rose

Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"

Dorothy

"Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!

Rose

It's a word!

Dorothy

So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.

Rose

[playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...

Dorothy

Margaret, uh, please sit down.

Blanche

Maybe we oughta get her a booster seat.

Dorothy

[to Margaret] Can I get you a drink?

Blanche

How 'bout chocolate milk?

Rose

[sitting down next to Margaret] So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta.

Well that's right.

Blanche

That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain't better but a tick on a slow moving hound dog.

Dorothy

Why is everyone around here talking like Burl Ives?

Blanche

Maybe Michael needs a little exposure.

Rose

Exposure to what?

Dorothy

To plutonium, Rose.

Rose

You know how it is when you can't believe something.

Dorothy

Yes, I can't believe Alan Thicke has a hit series, but that doesn't mean it isn't so.

[about having to share a bathroom with the girls] How do you think we feel having to gargle next to Grandma Moses and the Mosettes?

Rose

You, you, you rude person!

Dorothy

Go easy on him Rose.

Rose

[about the dog] He followed me home.

Dorothy

Oh come on, Rose, you drive to the market. How did he follow you home, in a taxi?!