Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

[about Blanche] Wherever she goes, she finds a man!

Sophia

So do hookers.

Blanche

She's dying.

Dorothy

What?

Blanche

My sister's dying.

Rose

[entering] What?

Sophia

Dying, she's dying.

Rose

[assuming Blanche is dying] Oh my God, Blanche! I didn't even know you were sick.

Rose

'What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man. They could have a child! [Blanche looks at her strangely] ...They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei Ling's coming out party... [pauses as Blanche looks exasperated] ...Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?

Blanche

Not as much as I have listening to that story.

Rose

Forget the story. You have to tell Dorothy, she's your friend!

Blanche

You're right, she is my best friend.

Rose

I thought I was your best friend!

Blanche

You were until you told me that story.

Blanche

The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau.

Rose

And her beau?

Blanche

That's right, Anderbeau Johnson. Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader sweater from the inside. So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! I lost Anderbeau and her beau! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy?

Rose

I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.

Rose

[pretending to flirt with Elliot to make him confess to hitting on Blanche] Did anyone ever tell you, you look just like Jerry Vale?

No...

Rose

They should. He's the only man in the world that can make the hair on my arms stand up. [begins suggestively bobbing up and down] Can I fix you a drink?

No thank you. Is something wrong with your leg?

Rose

Nothing you can't fix, [breathily] Doctor Man!

I beg your pardon?

Rose

I know I look square, but I'm like my father's tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going I can turn your topsoil till the cows come home.

Rose, please!

Rose

Wanna see some Polaroids of me in my tennis skirt?

Rose

This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".

Dorothy

[correcting her] Night, Rose.

Rose

[heading to her room] Night, Dorothy.

Rose

I wonder why Italian men are so romantic.

Dorothy

It's the tight pants, Rose.

Rose

[smelling Sophia's spaghetti sauce] Sophia, that smells heavenly! Is it Chef Boyardee?

Sophia

[holding up a kitchen knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

Sophia

[to Dorothy] I can't believe you're denying your own mother.

Rose

Denying her what?

Dorothy

Springsteen tickets Rose.

Rose

The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.

Sophia

"Slut" would be better!

Rose

Sophia!

Dorothy

Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!

Dorothy

[on getting robbed] It has nothing to do with energy, it has nothing to do with being single. It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment. Now, I'm going into my room. Call me when the cops come.

Rose

We're all employed, Dorothy, except your mother. I wouldn't call that massive.

Dorothy

Good night Rose. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.

Rose

[The robbers] were probably looking for drugs.

Dorothy

We have Maalox and estrogen. And how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Blanche

Oh, I'm gonna check the kitchen.

Rose

Well, wait! Don't leave me! What'll I do if they come back?

Dorothy

Show them your slides of Hawaii.

Rose

Oh, no, Blanche has been attacked!

Blanche

Sort of.

Rose

Oh, honey, what happened? You poor darling.

Blanche

I went to the police station today to get an update on my case. I borrowed your pocket hair spray; I took it from your dressing table. You know what this humidity does to my hair.

Rose

I know. Cotton candy.

Blanche

Well, just as I entered the police station, I saw there was this cute officer there who had his eye on me, so I took out your hair spray and gave my hair a final spritz. Only, surprise, it wasn't hair spray. It was mace. You had mace. Your hair spray was mace! I maced myself right there in the police station! I almost died! I fell to the floor, blinded, writhing in pain. Couldn't move for 20 minutes!

Rose

Well, what do you know? It works!

Blanche

Works? They thought I was on angel dust! They wanted to arrest me! I'm lying there, dying, and they're harassing me! Murderers are free, rapists are free, but a poor widow on the floor, they try to lock up! Who'd I hurt? Me?!

Blanche

Sophia, where're you going?

Sophia

To my room.

Rose

But you can't, it could be dangerous!

Sophia

Please, I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!