The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.
"Slut" would be better!
Sophia!
Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!
“Break-In” · Season 1, Episode 8
In this episode: Rose Nylund (8), Dorothy Zbornak (7), Blanche Devereaux (5), Sophia Petrillo (4)
[after Rose fires her gun and shatters Blanche's vase] I manage to live 80, 81 years. I survived pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I'll belch and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!
[on getting robbed] It has nothing to do with energy, it has nothing to do with being single. It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment. Now, I'm going into my room. Call me when the cops come.
We're all employed, Dorothy, except your mother. I wouldn't call that massive.
Good night Rose. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.
[The robbers] were probably looking for drugs.
We have Maalox and estrogen. And how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?
Well, this is not the end, I can promise you that. Justice will be done here! I hate criminals. I just hate 'em! Someone's gonna pay for this heinous crime! We're gonna have a good, old-fashioned hangin'! That's right, a hangin'! Only first we'll have a whippin', and then we'll have a hangin'! Nobody takes my mama's jewels without swingin' for it! Nighty-night.
[playing Scrabble with Dorothy] I win!
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. There is no such word as that!
There certainly is.
Fine. I'll look it up, and if it isn't in the dictionary, I win.
We don't have a dictionary.
Yes we do.
Not anymore, the robbers took it.
They stole our dictionary?
That's right. Too bad.
Ma, "disdam" is not a word! You made it up.
It's a word!
Fine. Use it in a sentence.
[pauses] You're no good at disdam game!
[after the robbery]
Oh, I'm gonna check the kitchen.
Well, wait! Don't leave me! What'll I do if they come back?
Show them your slides of Hawaii.
Oh, no, Blanche has been attacked!
Sort of.
Oh, honey, what happened? You poor darling.
I went to the police station today to get an update on my case. I borrowed your pocket hair spray; I took it from your dressing table. You know what this humidity does to my hair.
I know. Cotton candy.
Well, just as I entered the police station, I saw there was this cute officer there who had his eye on me, so I took out your hair spray and gave my hair a final spritz. Only, surprise, it wasn't hair spray. It was mace. You had mace. Your hair spray was mace! I maced myself right there in the police station! I almost died! I fell to the floor, blinded, writhing in pain. Couldn't move for 20 minutes!
Well, what do you know? It works!
Works? They thought I was on angel dust! They wanted to arrest me! I'm lying there, dying, and they're harassing me! Murderers are free, rapists are free, but a poor widow on the floor, they try to lock up! Who'd I hurt? Me?!
Sophia, where're you going?
To my room.
But you can't, it could be dangerous!
Please, I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!
[Blanche enters in from the kitchen with flour on her face and blouse]
[stunned] They got my jewels.
But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
[shocked] Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?!
SSSecurity System Salesman
So those are the facts, ladies. It's not a pretty picture. One out of every three people will be the victim of a violent crime.
That's awful!
SSalesman
And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim... [pauses for emphasis] ...of a violent crime. One of you right here, gcchk! [makes slicing motion across his throat with his finger]
And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer! Well, that means one of us will get cancer, so that takes care of two of us!
Okay, okay, we're getting the basic system.
SSalesman
Whatever...
But not from you, from your competitor.
SSalesman
What?
Because what you were trying to do was terrify us into spending more money than we have! Now get out of here before the victim of violent crime in this house is YOU! [shoos the salesman out the door and slams it]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.