Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[stunned] They got my jewels.

Dorothy

But I see they didn't get your cocaine.

Rose

[shocked] Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?!

So those are the facts, ladies. It's not a pretty picture. One out of every three people will be the victim of a violent crime.

Rose

That's awful!

And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim... [pauses for emphasis] ...of a violent crime. One of you right here, gcchk! [makes slicing motion across his throat with his finger]

Rose

And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer! Well, that means one of us will get cancer, so that takes care of two of us!

Blanche

He was looking for a mother, not a lover. It was humiliating.

Rose

I think it's sweet.

Blanche

You would, Betty Crocker.

Blanche

Do you wanna be buried or cremated?

Rose

Neither!

Blanche

What, do you wanna be flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

Rose

I wouldn't wanna be cremated. I hate heat. And burial! I hate small spaces. I'm a little claustrophobic.

Blanche

Rose, you're not gonna know anything, you're gonna be dead.

Rose

Oh. Well then, burial I guess. But will you promise to put a blanket in with me?

Blanche

Why?

Rose

Oh, I'd just feel more comfortable... and cosier. And I'd want my pictures of Charlie and the animals. You know, the ones in the little silver frames. And, and, my pictures of the children. And, of course if I married again I'd want a picture of my new husband. And the candlesticks momma gave me.

Blanche

Rose, it's a coffin not a condo.

Rose

I'm sure it isn't a heart attack. A heart attack's bigger. I've seen a heart attack. Charlie had a heart attack.

Dorothy

And it wasn't like this?

Rose

Oh, it was much worse.

Dorothy

I think the paramedics would get here!

Rose

Charlie made me dress him when he had his heart attack, before the paramedics got here.

Dorothy

But he wasn't dressed?

Rose

We were... making love.

Dorothy

Oh, Rose, honey, you never told me. He died while you were making love?

Rose

Well, he didn't die then, he had his heart attack then. And, he told me to dress him.

Dorothy

And?

Rose

And I dressed him. And then we had a fight. I grabbed a pair of white pants, and I was putting it on him, and Charlie said it was after Labor Day and he couldn't wear white!

Dorothy

In the middle of a heart attack?

Rose

Oh, Charlie was very stubborn. And very dapper.

Dorothy

And, then what happened?

Rose

...And he...told me he loved me...and then it was over. And I put a pair of gray flannel pants on him. And a blue shirt...and a striped tie. And he was all dressed when the paramedics got there.

Rose

Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?

Sophia

I'm not in England, I'm having a heart attack!

Rose

When Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO Club, and that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.

Blanche

He was a blue midget?

Rose

Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a stepladder into this gigantic punch bowl.

Dorothy

So, um, what happened?

Rose

Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out...

Dorothy

I mean, uh, what happened between you and Eddie?

Rose

We talked a lot between shows, and, of course, I didn't realize it, but he was falling for me.

Blanche

Didn't have far to fall.

Rose

It started with little things...

Blanche

I bet. [she and Dorothy crack up]

Rose

Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I tried to let him down gently.

Blanche

You tried to make it short and sweet? [she and Dorothy laugh again]

Rose

He just wouldn't take no for an answer, so I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size, it was just that I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.

Dorothy

[trying not to laugh] Thank you, Rose. I, I don't know what to say. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Rose

Who's going to keep after us? Make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?

Dorothy

I don't know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.

Sophia

When I thought I was moving, I was going to give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway. [hands a wrapped package to each of the girls]

Blanche

Why Sophia, how sweet!

Rose

Oh honey, you shouldn't have!

Dorothy

[opening her package] Oh Ma, this is so lovely... and so familiar... this is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.

Sophia

I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.

Rose

[examining the sweater in her package] This is my black sweater!

Sophia

I know. It goes great with...

Blanche

...my pearls.

Sophia

Well, enjoy and be healthy! [leaves]

Dorothy

[in Rose's dream, about the wedding] You can't disappoint your guests.

Rose

The guests? But I have to think about what's best for me!

Dorothy

That's only in real life, Rose. In a dream, you do what's best for the guests.

Rose

Jeane, could you tell me what the future holds?

Sure. In January, Brooke Shields and Lady Di will star together in a Broadway musical comedy. Senator Edward Kennedy will once again-

Rose

[interrupting] No no no, I mean what the future holds for me and Jonathan.

Rose, I'm not getting a clear picture on that. However, I do know that Jackie O. will tie the knot again-

Dorothy

[cutting in] Oh, uh, thank you very much Ms. Dixon, [shows her out of Rose's room with Blanche] enjoy the wedding.

Rose

Who was known as the world's fastest human being?

Sophia

Dominic Tanzi.

Rose

It says Jesse Owens here.

Sophia

Trust me, it was Dominic Tanzi. He got four women pregnant in one night. Two in New York, two in New Jersey.

Dorothy

I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.

Blanche

Oh, who is he, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.

Rose

Where'd you meet him?

Sophia

His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.

Rose

[talking to Dorothy after Dorothy returns from a date with Glenn] Oh, so you spent the evening at dinner!

Dorothy

No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.

Rose

A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!

Dorothy

We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.

Rose

I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.

Sophia

Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.

Rose

That's not bad...

Dorothy

Oh, Rose.

Rose

Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.

Blanche

Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.

Dorothy

You...didn't!

Blanche

Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.

Rose

Oh! I thought you were the one-

Blanche

Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!