[angrily, after the girls choose Mama Celeste's pizza over hers in a taste test] You can't pick men and you can't pick pizza!
“The Triangle” · Season 1, Episode 5
In this episode: Blanche Devereaux (6), Dorothy Zbornak (4), Rose Nylund (3), Sophia Petrillo (3)
Let me tell you a story. Sicily. 1912. Picture this. Two young girls, best friends, who share three things: a pizza recipe, some dough and a dream. Everything is going great until one day a fast talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, the pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.
But [Dr. Clayton] wants me. I can feel it.
Let someone else feel it.
But we were meant for each other. I'm a woman and, he's a man.
And what am I, Little Richard?
'What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man. They could have a child! [Blanche looks at her strangely] ...They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei Ling's coming out party... [pauses as Blanche looks exasperated] ...Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?
Not as much as I have listening to that story.
Forget the story. You have to tell Dorothy, she's your friend!
You're right, she is my best friend.
I thought I was your best friend!
You were until you told me that story.
I'm an old white woman. I'm not supposed to have color. You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.
[introducing herself to Dr. Clayton] My name is Blanche Devereaux. That's French for... Blanche Devereaux.
The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau.
And her beau?
That's right, Anderbeau Johnson. Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader sweater from the inside. So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! I lost Anderbeau and her beau! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy?
I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.
[pretending to flirt with Elliot to make him confess to hitting on Blanche] Did anyone ever tell you, you look just like Jerry Vale?
EElliot
No...
They should. He's the only man in the world that can make the hair on my arms stand up. [begins suggestively bobbing up and down] Can I fix you a drink?
EElliot
No thank you. Is something wrong with your leg?
Nothing you can't fix, [breathily] Doctor Man!
EElliot
I beg your pardon?
I know I look square, but I'm like my father's tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going I can turn your topsoil till the cows come home.
EElliot
Rose, please!
Wanna see some Polaroids of me in my tennis skirt?
Elliot made.... Elliot made-
What, what did Elliot make? A ship in a bottle? What?!
Elliot made a pass at me.
He made a pass at you? You mean he winked at you. He's a very big winker.
No, this was no wink. He came up behind me and put his big, masculine arms around my tiny little waist.
I don't believe you.
What?
I don't believe he put his big masculine arms around your alleged tiny little waist.
Well Dorothy, why would I make up such a thing?
Because you're jealous.
Jealous?!
You are used to getting all the attention around here, and now someone comes along and wants me and not you, and it is eating your guts out.
Eating my guts out?!
You know, you could never be a real friend to a woman, and you wanna know why?
Why?
Because you're a slut!
A slut!
Don't repeat everything I say.
I'm not repeating everything you say.
You just did.
I did not, nothing you say is worth repeating!
You, Blanche, are an immoral, backstabbing, self-centered Jezebel, and I am very glad that this happened, because now I know exactly what kind of person you really are.
Well then, to hell with you and your oversexed boyfriend, Dorothy Zbornak! I'm just glad that little Mei Ling's coming out party was ruined!
Who?
And, I'm glad that Elliot is bonging every woman at your country club!
What the hell are you talking about?
Ask the towel lady!
EElliot
I take it we're not playing golf.
We're not playing anything anymore.
Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth. I guess it's the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.
Oh, please!
The only other woman who could possibly understand what I've been through is Priscilla Presley. And Susan Anton. [beat] No, not Susan Anton.
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