Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.

No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.

Rose

I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them.

Dorothy

Those are Malomars, Rose.

Blanche

Dorothy and I are gonna team up with the Kaplan brothers.

Rose

The Kaplan brothers! You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band?

Dorothy

That's the Gatlin brothers, Rose!

Sophia

Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!

Rose

What was it called, Sophia?

Sophia

I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!

Dorothy

Come on, Ma, you're making this up.

Sophia

Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!

Dorothy

Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?

Blanche

Awful! We just got two tiny parts.

Rose

We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.

Dorothy

Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!

Blanche

Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.

Rose

Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!

Blanche

A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?

Dorothy

That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Rose

The Nazis are coming, the Nazis are coming!

Sophia

Everybody grab a gun and run to the basement! Come on! Move, move!

Blanche

Sophia, now just relax, we're just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.

Sophia

Oh, thank God!

Dorothy

[coming in from the pouring rain] Whew, it is really coming down!

Rose

What's coming down?

Dorothy

[pauses, then responds crossly] The Liberace marquee at Caesar's Palace.

Blanche

Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!

Angelo

Married?

Blanche

Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?

Rose

Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

Stan

She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!

Dorothy

Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!

Stan

Ya know, for two cents...

Dorothy

...you could get a better toupee?

Stan

Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!

Sophia

[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!

Sophia

Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.

Rose

You're dumping your own mother?

Dorothy

Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek.

Dorothy

Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?

Rose

The chain.

Blanche

An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?

Rose

Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.

Blanche

Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.

Blanche

Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?

Dorothy

[angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!

Rose

See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.

Blanche

Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.

Rose

Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?

Blanche

Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?

Rose

[knocking on Sophia's door] Sophia?

Sophia

I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!

Rose

Hi, this is Rose...

Sophia

Rose, shut up and get in here!

Dorothy

I cannot believe my mother is hanging out with that cheap hood!

Rose

You mean Rocco?

Dorothy

No, Rose, I mean Spiro Agnew. He gave her a highway contract instead of an ID bracelet.

Rose

Gee, what's my diary doing here? [picks it up from the table] Next to a pair of pliers?

Blanche

Rose, whatever it is you're thinking, it isn't true.

Rose

Good, then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Dorothy

The most romantic thing was when Stan proposed. I went to the powder room and when I got back there was two long stem glasses filled with Dom Perignon. We clinked the glasses and Stan gave me a coy smile and I winked at him and I just down the champagne in one gulp....and it didn't go down smoothly. Later he told me that he put my engagement ring at the bottom of the glass. It turned up three days later.

Rose

Where'd it turn up, Dorothy?

Dorothy

On the Home Shopping Network, Rose.

Rose

[seeing Vincenzo's elderly working crew] Who are all these old men?

Dorothy

The Osmond Brothers, Rose. The years without Donny have not been kind to them.

Rose

[onboard cruiseship] Ahoy girls. Quick, grab some champagne.

Blanche

Ooh, I just love champagne!

Dorothy

Oh so do I. The only problem is after a few glasses I'll kiss any man in sight.