Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

I don't know what to wear on a cruise.

Blanche

A life jacket and a great big smile.

Dorothy

Who cares Rose! Did you and Arnie hit the sheets or not?!

Sophia

Dorothy!

Dorothy

...sorry.

Rose

Some women don't like to kiss and tell.

Blanche

Oh, shoot, honey, that's half the fun! Why, most of the men I've dated just for the stories!

Dorothy

You must have more stories than O. Henry.

Blanche

Dorothy, what in the world is that?

Dorothy

It's a flounder, Blanche.

Blanche

We cannot have a baby in the house! My sister's coming.

Dorothy

Does she eat them?

Blanche

[about Virginia] It was the day before Christmas and we were playing and she jiggled the tree and the star fell off and broke. So she told me to pick it up and put it on my finger. And I did. Then she plugged it in. And WHAM! My eyes bugged out, my hair shot straight up, I did a crazy rollover dance all over the room, I'm sure my heart even stopped beating for a minute. Then she ran to Daddy and told her that I had broken the star and almost electrocuted her, and he sent me to my room for all of Christmas Eve and told me that Baby Jesus was mad at me for ruinin' his birthday.

Rose

Blanche, that's horrible.

Blanche

And that's not the worst part. That darn electricity straightened my hair! I used to have curly hair!

Rose

Maybe it's Southern.

Blanche

Sleeping with your brothers is Southern!

Blanche

Let's talk about you, it looks like you've lost a little weight, sugar.

Virginia

I have.

Blanche

You know, at your age when you lose weight your skin just...hangs there, like...like leaves on a willow.

Virginia

I haven't lost that much, I don't think that's happened yet.

Blanche

Well I don't know. If I were you I sure wouldn't wave goodbye.

Virginia

And if I were you, I sure wouldn't jog without a muumuu.

Blanche

Is that so, well just let me tell you somethin' missy.....

Virginia

Oh Blanche, please, let's not do this. Let's grow up, for God's sake. We have done this our whole lives long, let's call an end to it, okay?

Blanche

Sure, whatever. So, you thinkin' about gettin' a face lift? For your, how do I put this delicately.....turkey waddle or what?

Blanche

She's dying.

Dorothy

What?

Blanche

My sister's dying.

Rose

[entering] What?

Sophia

Dying, she's dying.

Rose

[assuming Blanche is dying] Oh my God, Blanche! I didn't even know you were sick.

Blanche

But [Dr. Clayton] wants me. I can feel it.

Dorothy

Let someone else feel it.

Blanche

But we were meant for each other. I'm a woman and, he's a man.

Dorothy

And what am I, Little Richard?

Rose

'What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man. They could have a child! [Blanche looks at her strangely] ...They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei Ling's coming out party... [pauses as Blanche looks exasperated] ...Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?

Blanche

Not as much as I have listening to that story.

Rose

Forget the story. You have to tell Dorothy, she's your friend!

Blanche

You're right, she is my best friend.

Rose

I thought I was your best friend!

Blanche

You were until you told me that story.

Blanche

The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau.

Rose

And her beau?

Blanche

That's right, Anderbeau Johnson. Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader sweater from the inside. So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! I lost Anderbeau and her beau! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy?

Rose

I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.

Blanche

Elliot made.... Elliot made-

Dorothy

What, what did Elliot make? A ship in a bottle? What?!

Blanche

Elliot made a pass at me.

Dorothy

He made a pass at you? You mean he winked at you. He's a very big winker.

Blanche

No, this was no wink. He came up behind me and put his big, masculine arms around my tiny little waist.

Dorothy

I don't believe you.

Blanche

What?

Dorothy

I don't believe he put his big masculine arms around your alleged tiny little waist.

Blanche

Well Dorothy, why would I make up such a thing?

Dorothy

Because you're jealous.

Blanche

Jealous?!

Dorothy

You are used to getting all the attention around here, and now someone comes along and wants me and not you, and it is eating your guts out.

Blanche

Eating my guts out?!

Dorothy

You know, you could never be a real friend to a woman, and you wanna know why?

Blanche

Why?

Dorothy

Because you're a slut!

Blanche

A slut!

Dorothy

Don't repeat everything I say.

Blanche

I'm not repeating everything you say.

Dorothy

You just did.

Blanche

I did not, nothing you say is worth repeating!

Dorothy

You, Blanche, are an immoral, backstabbing, self-centered Jezebel, and I am very glad that this happened, because now I know exactly what kind of person you really are.

Blanche

Well then, to hell with you and your oversexed boyfriend, Dorothy Zbornak! I'm just glad that little Mei Ling's coming out party was ruined!

Dorothy

Who?

Blanche

And, I'm glad that Elliot is bonging every woman at your country club!

Dorothy

What the hell are you talking about?

Blanche

Ask the towel lady!

Blanche

Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth. I guess it's the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.

Dorothy

Oh, please!

Blanche

The only other woman who could possibly understand what I've been through is Priscilla Presley. And Susan Anton. [beat] No, not Susan Anton.

Blanche

[after Sophia slaps David for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?

Sophia

No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche

Well, I am stunned. Just stunned. Stunned is the only way to describe how...stunned I am!

Dorothy

Just a minute, just a minute, Blanche. Are you trying to tell us that you are stunned?