Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!

Sophia

That's right! But unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.

Dorothy

Blanche, let's go.

Dorothy

Come on, Blanche, let's go!

Dorothy

Blanche, wake up. My wife will be home any minute.

Blanche

WHERE ARE MY SHOES?

Blanche

Oh, I'm gonna check the kitchen.

Rose

Well, wait! Don't leave me! What'll I do if they come back?

Dorothy

Show them your slides of Hawaii.

Rose

Oh, no, Blanche has been attacked!

Blanche

Sort of.

Rose

Oh, honey, what happened? You poor darling.

Blanche

I went to the police station today to get an update on my case. I borrowed your pocket hair spray; I took it from your dressing table. You know what this humidity does to my hair.

Rose

I know. Cotton candy.

Blanche

Well, just as I entered the police station, I saw there was this cute officer there who had his eye on me, so I took out your hair spray and gave my hair a final spritz. Only, surprise, it wasn't hair spray. It was mace. You had mace. Your hair spray was mace! I maced myself right there in the police station! I almost died! I fell to the floor, blinded, writhing in pain. Couldn't move for 20 minutes!

Rose

Well, what do you know? It works!

Blanche

Works? They thought I was on angel dust! They wanted to arrest me! I'm lying there, dying, and they're harassing me! Murderers are free, rapists are free, but a poor widow on the floor, they try to lock up! Who'd I hurt? Me?!

Blanche

Sophia, where're you going?

Sophia

To my room.

Rose

But you can't, it could be dangerous!

Sophia

Please, I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!

Blanche

[stunned] They got my jewels.

Dorothy

But I see they didn't get your cocaine.

Rose

[shocked] Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?!

Blanche

[about Dirk] This is strictly off the record, but Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.

Dorothy

In what, Blanche? Dog years?

Blanche

He was looking for a mother, not a lover. It was humiliating.

Rose

I think it's sweet.

Blanche

You would, Betty Crocker.

Blanche

Do you wanna be buried or cremated?

Rose

Neither!

Blanche

What, do you wanna be flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

Rose

I wouldn't wanna be cremated. I hate heat. And burial! I hate small spaces. I'm a little claustrophobic.

Blanche

Rose, you're not gonna know anything, you're gonna be dead.

Rose

Oh. Well then, burial I guess. But will you promise to put a blanket in with me?

Blanche

Why?

Rose

Oh, I'd just feel more comfortable... and cosier. And I'd want my pictures of Charlie and the animals. You know, the ones in the little silver frames. And, and, my pictures of the children. And, of course if I married again I'd want a picture of my new husband. And the candlesticks momma gave me.

Blanche

Rose, it's a coffin not a condo.

Rose

When Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO Club, and that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.

Blanche

He was a blue midget?

Rose

Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a stepladder into this gigantic punch bowl.

Dorothy

So, um, what happened?

Rose

Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out...

Dorothy

I mean, uh, what happened between you and Eddie?

Rose

We talked a lot between shows, and, of course, I didn't realize it, but he was falling for me.

Blanche

Didn't have far to fall.

Rose

It started with little things...

Blanche

I bet. [she and Dorothy crack up]

Rose

Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I tried to let him down gently.

Blanche

You tried to make it short and sweet? [she and Dorothy laugh again]

Rose

He just wouldn't take no for an answer, so I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size, it was just that I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.

Dorothy

[trying not to laugh] Thank you, Rose. I, I don't know what to say. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Sophia

When I thought I was moving, I was going to give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway. [hands a wrapped package to each of the girls]

Blanche

Why Sophia, how sweet!

Rose

Oh honey, you shouldn't have!

Dorothy

[opening her package] Oh Ma, this is so lovely... and so familiar... this is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.

Sophia

I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.

Rose

[examining the sweater in her package] This is my black sweater!

Sophia

I know. It goes great with...

Blanche

...my pearls.

Sophia

Well, enjoy and be healthy! [leaves]

Blanche

He analyzed my dream.

Dorothy

What dream?

Blanche

Oh, that recurring dream I have where I'm running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty bodybuilder chases me. He said he thinks it's sexual.

Dorothy

He thinks ? For God's sake, Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream.

Blanche

Not all my dreams are sexual! I also dream about food. Of course, I'm usually naked while I'm eatin' the food. I guess all my dreams are sexual. Lucky me!

Blanche

[just as Sophia is entering the room] So Rose, you're seeing a psychiatrist.

Sophia

It's about time! The woman gives names to her gingerbread men!

Blanche

Dorothy, get the door. [walks towards Rose and Dr. Newman] Shrimp? [runs towards the kitchen]

She's a little uptight. I'm gonna have fun with her tonight.

Dorothy

Why don't we start dinner.

Good, what are we having.

Dorothy

[freezes for a couple of seconds] Short ribs.

Dorothy

I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.

Blanche

Oh, who is he, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.

Rose

Where'd you meet him?

Sophia

His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.