Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

If you need to know any more about me...I have pictures.

So do we.

I'm going to have my baby in a natural birthing center with no painkillers.

Blanche

Becky, honey, I told you where babies come from, did I ever mention where they come out?

Rose

[Comes into the room while Rebecca is in labor] Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?

Dorothy

Yes and yes! It's Becky, she's having the baby.

Rose

I'll put on some corn.

Dorothy

Call the county hospital, tell them we'll be there in about 20 minutes.

And call the coach, the number's by the phone.

Rose

Fine, is there anything you want me to do?

Dorothy

Call the hospital, call the coach.

Blanche

[Comes in] What's going on?

Rose

Something about a baby.

Rose

I've found my father! My natural father!

Blanche

He's alive?

Dorothy

He's in Miami?

Sophia

He's an earthling?

Blanche

Dorothy, wait up you just walk so fast.

Dorothy

I'm in a hurry!

Blanche

It's not sexy. [Dorothy looks at her] It's not. A woman should take tiny delicate steps as if to say "Yes, I may be slower than you, but maybe I'm worth waiting for."

Dorothy

Blanche, my mother is missing, it's the middle of the night, you have to excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.

Blanche

Hi, Rose, how's it goin'?

Rose

[holding up a sock puppet and speaking in a high-pitched voice] Hi, Blanche!

Blanche

God, I hate mornin' people.

Rose

Ever since I started working as a candy striper I've been giving all my patients the Traditional St. Olaf Fun Pack. Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap, and sock puppets. I like to pretend one of them's you and one of them's Dorothy. [mimicking Blanche in a high-pitched Southern accent] "Hi, Dorothy, how do you feel?"

Rose

[mimicking Dorothy in a deep voice] "Oh, woe is me, I can't get a date. Nobody asks me out. Woe is me, woe..."

Rose

[swatting puppet] BAD puppet!

Blanche

[about Sophia] Have you found her?

Dorothy

Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago, but now I've hidden her again so you can find her.

Blanche

What are you doing on this elevator?

Sophia

I'm into easy listening, how the hell should I know?

Blanche

You have a museum [in St. Olaf] where children go to learn about cheese?

Rose

Hey, it's better than them learning about it in the streets!

Blanche

Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?

Sophia

I'm staying home to try to recapture my lost youth. ... I see you haven't got it.

Dorothy

Now, look, we can't go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other. So, whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it. No more arguments. Agreed?

Blanche

All right, yes, yes.

Dorothy

Okay, here we go. [reads votes] "Split the money." "Let Blanche keep it." "Give it to the old lady."

Sophia

Yes!

Dorothy

"Split the money." Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it.

Blanche

Big Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.

Sophia

If it's any consolation, Blanche, when I wrote "Give it to the old lady," I did mean you.

Rose

You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this.

Dorothy

I believe you. I just hate you.

Rose

Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that - anyway, when Ol' Space Needle was in high school, she drank some Cherry Herring and made love in the back seat of a Fjord Fjairlane. [notices puzzled looks from others] Local car.

Dorothy

Oh.

Rose

And she... got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Ganakkadopenschpingel.

Sophia

She knows what you mean.

Rose

Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.

Blanche

Well, why would she marry a guy like that?

Dorothy

Because I was young! [catches herself] I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Rose, this is your story. Go- go on, go on.

Rose

Well anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-On Warts.

Dorothy

Who bought those?!

Rose

Hags, mostly. Don't you see, he was successful, and he wanted Gunilla back.

Dorothy

Well, what happened to her, Rose?

Rose

Skylab fell on her.

Dorothy

What is the POINT of this story?!!

Rose

Be thankful for your health!

Rose

Stop being so vain. You can't stay forty two forever.

Blanche

Yes you can. If you eat right, exercise, and live with women who look A LOT OLDER THAN YOU.

Dorothy

Tell me something Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?

Blanche

You know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?

Sophia

Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.

Blanche

Sophia!

Sophia

So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.

Blanche

My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda you were also wise.

Blanche

[after telling the story of how her nanny left her] We Southerners don't forget things like that.

Dorothy

It's true. Possum is brain food.