Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Oh darn, I forgot something.

Blanche

Go in your pajamas!

Rose

No, it's not that, I forgot to say my prayers.

Dorothy

Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night! He's very busy these days, most of his spare time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.

Dorothy

[deep voice, pretending to be God] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed.

Rose

Amen! [gets into bed]

Blanche

Nice work, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Wasn't me.

Blanche

[starts to look worried] Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! [begins to pray] Now I lay me down to sleep...

Rose

What are you doing?

Blanche

I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.

Rose

I never do very much with my eyebrows.

Blanche

That's why from the nose up, you look like Wilford Brimley.

Blanche

[hearing a noise] Did you hear that?

Sophia

Yeah, and while I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want! [others back away]

Y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.

Rose

You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?

No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!

Blanche

This is like the Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

Blanche

Once upon a time there were three bears...

Rose

Not that one.

Blanche

Pigs?

Rose

No!

Blanche

[irritated] Elephants. And they lived with a little girl named Rose.

Rose

The elephants lived in the house?!

Blanche

They were elephant dolls. Every night when Rose went to bed, she'd take the three elephants with her, because they made her feel so safe and secure.

Rose

Elephant dolls???

Blanche

[sounding more and more irritated] Right, elephant dolls. Until finally one night they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went off to sleep someplace else, and two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and MURDERED ROSE IN HER SLEEP!!!!

Rose

Oh! [gets out of bed and flees into Blanche's closet]

Blanche

Rose! Oh Rose, grow up!

Rose

Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.

Dorothy

Of course I did, Rose!

Rose

You didn't like it.

Dorothy

Oh, don't be ridiculous, I loved it.

Rose

[indicating the pile of untouched food on Dorothy's plate] Well, then have another bite.

Dorothy

[pauses for a second] Okay... [gingerly takes a forkful of the chipped beef, but just as she is about to open her mouth, there is a power failure and the kitchen goes pitch black]

Blanche

Oh no, the power lines must be down!

Sophia

That's just great. I've got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.

Dorothy

Rose, that was delicious, oh, thank you.

Sophia

Who moved my purse? [struggles to lift her purse] And why does it feel so heavy?

Dorothy

[describing a dream she had] I was a contestant on The Dating Game, and I won. I went around the corner to meet the bachelor who picked me, and it was the Pope.

Blanche

Boy, that is a tough one. Where'd you go on the date?

Dorothy

Oh, forget it, forget it, good night Blanche.

Blanche

Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?

Dorothy

And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?

Blanche

[meeting Frank for the first time, is stunned that he is a priest] Good evening, Father. My, my, this must be an important cause. Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money? I'll get my purse.

I- I'm Frank. I'm here to see Dorothy.

Blanche

You're the hunk? I mean... forgive me, Father. That is, forgive my language, uh- not in your official capacity. I'm not even Catholic, I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive us Baptists. ... Sweet Jesus, why am I babblin'? ... I meant that in all due reverence. I never take the Lord's name in vain. Oh God, now I'm lyin' to a priest! Why don't you just come on in and sit down? I'm, I'm Blanche, I'm Dorothy's roommate. Would you get the door?

Dorothy's told me a great deal about you.

Blanche

[nervously]] Well, she seems to have left out one itty-bitty detail about you.

That I'm a priest?

Blanche

Uh-huh.

She didn't know.

Blanche

What'd she think, you were just a boring dresser?

She's never seen me in cleric's clothing.

Blanche

I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off.

We do a lot of things real people do.

Blanche

Except for one very important thing. Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plans.

Blanche

I will not have that filthy beast in my house! It belongs in a barnyard!

Rose

This is not a farm chicken. Count Bessie is a showbiz chicken! Wait'll you see this! [exits]

Blanche

[to Dorothy] A showbiz chicken. What she do, play the piano?

Rose

[re-enters with a mini-piano] She plays the piano!

Blanche

Sophia says she has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.

Rose

Oh my God, who stabbed Sophia?!

Dorothy

The chef at Benihana, Rose.

Dorothy

[to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.

Rose

I made dessert!

Blanche

Damn.

Rose

What'd you say, Blanche?

Blanche

"Yum," I said "yum."

Dorothy

Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?

Rose

Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.

Dorothy

So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?

Rose

Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.

Sophia

I can't even reach mine!

Dorothy

Uhh, Aunt Angela? Where did you get this chicken?

The garage.

Blanche

I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert.

Blanche

Rose, honey, you've got to stop torturing yourself like this! Now Count Bessie is gone!

Rose

I know. It's just such a tragedy. Who cooks a musician at the height of her career?

Blanche

Rose, you've got to put this in perspective. Count Bessie was a chicken. It's not as if Angela had fried up Doc Severinsen!

Dorothy

[enters the kitchen] How are you doing, Rose?

Blanche

Not very good, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Oh, honey, now listen, you may not think so now, but in a few days, you'll feel better.

Rose

No, I won't. Because Mrs. Butell will be back by then. What am I supposed to say? "Welcome home! How was your trip? Oh, by the way..." [holds up Tupperware and starts to cry] "...here's Count Bessie!"