Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[after telling the story of how her nanny left her] We Southerners don't forget things like that.

Dorothy

It's true. Possum is brain food.

Will I see you again?

Dorothy

Probably not. I will be at the Florida State Women's Prison.

The one in Jacksonville? They used to come to our dances. Why are you going there?

Dorothy

Murder!

Ooh...you're gonna meet some great gals.

Sophia

[in a small voice] Hi, Pussycat.

Dorothy

SAY GOODBYE, OLD WOMAN!

Sophia

Have a good time?

Dorothy

Do I sound like I had a good time?

Sophia

How the hell should I know? You're always like this.

Dorothy

Ma, will you stop meddling in my life? I am sick of it! I told you, if I want a date I can find one for myself!

Blanche

Oh, Dorothy, dear sweet delusional Dorothy.

Dorothy

Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart to heart with my mother. [turns to Sophia] Now, listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey!

Sophia

I don't have to take this! Keep it up, and I'll send you to Shady Pines!

Dorothy

That's where I take you!

Sophia

Ouch... guess I backed into that one.

Rose

[telling a story about St. Olaf's moodiest plastic surgeon] Dr. Olfnooner did some work on my mom, and do you who she came out looking like? Raymond Massey!

Dorothy

Rose, that's terrible!

Rose

Well, that's what I thought when I accused the guy of malpractice and ruined his business. Unfortunately, little did I know...

Blanche

Know what, Rose?

Rose

That was the look she was going for!

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, you did a pretty good job focusing this for Rose, and for me. I have to admit, you would have made a very good psychologist.

Sophia

Great idea, pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour.

Dorothy

Oh, a student pays attention, works hard, gets good grades. Does that make him a geek?

Uh, no, that makes him a dork. Geek is more like, y'know, somebody with no friends, stays home every Saturday night, nose always buried in a book.

Dorothy

[to Sophia, who is opening her mouth to speak] One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.

Dorothy

Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.

Blanche

Okay.

Dorothy

There's this person, someone I've known for quite a while, and lately there seems to be this attraction developing. An attraction I've been trying to deny-- Blanche, what are you doing?

Blanche

It's a curse. My beauty's always been a curse. I'm sorry, Dorothy, but like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimson weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor.

Dorothy

I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot!

Blanche

Get outta here! Stan has the hots for me?

Dorothy

For me, not you, fatal blossom, for me.

Dorothy

Ma, you actually went to a convent? Why didn't I know that?

Sophia

Because you're divorced. Technically, in the eyes of the Church, you don't even exist! I spit on you! Unless Sister would like to spit on you first.

Dorothy

Can you believe what we just heard.

Blanche

I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "NUN", the word says it.

Well Dorothy I bet you love your mother very much.

Dorothy

Well that all depends, what has she done?

I think life here is too structured for her.

Dorothy

I don't follow.

Your mother is an old stubborn pack mule of a woman who won't follow the rules!

Dorothy

Now I'm with you.

Blanche

[turns around, seductive] Hello... Oh my God, no! [runs around the table and hides behind Dorothy]

Rose

All right, so he's not a 10!

Blanche, honey, please!

Blanche

Oh my God, what in hell? Why do you look like that? I don't believe this!

Dorothy

Blanche! Blanche! Who is this?

Blanche

If I didn't know better, I would say my dead husband George! [runs out of the restaurant]

Dorothy

George, we've heard so much about you! [extends hand]

Blanche

Y'know, usually I feel so empty when I realize George isn't here, but this time it's different.

Dorothy

How?

Blanche

Well, I don't know. The dream was diff- oh, wait. [smiles] I got to hug him. [gasps] You know how I always wake up before I get to hug George? This time I didn't.

Rose

Oh Blanche, that's wonderful!

Blanche

It was wonderful, Rose.

Rose

I just got a special delivery letter from St. Olaf! Uh-oh, it's from the Department of Water and Coffee.

Dorothy

Coffee?

Rose

No thanks, it makes me jumpy.

Dorothy

Rose, what does the letter say?

Rose

You read it, Dorothy. I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad news.

Dorothy

[reading] "Dear St. Olafian, I am afraid there's bad news."

Rose

[fingers in her ears] What?

Dorothy

[reading] "There's a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops."

Rose

Oh, no! I'd better send water.

Dorothy

[reading] "Please do not send water. We have found that envelopes leak. Until the rains come, we ask that all citizens be celibate, except for Ulf the Umbrella King; he has suffered enough."