Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

[Comes into the room while Rebecca is in labor] Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?

Dorothy

Yes and yes! It's Becky, she's having the baby.

Rose

I'll put on some corn.

Dorothy

Call the county hospital, tell them we'll be there in about 20 minutes.

And call the coach, the number's by the phone.

Rose

Fine, is there anything you want me to do?

Dorothy

Call the hospital, call the coach.

Blanche

[Comes in] What's going on?

Rose

Something about a baby.

Rose

I've found my father! My natural father!

Blanche

He's alive?

Dorothy

He's in Miami?

Sophia

He's an earthling?

Blanche

Dorothy, wait up you just walk so fast.

Dorothy

I'm in a hurry!

Blanche

It's not sexy. [Dorothy looks at her] It's not. A woman should take tiny delicate steps as if to say "Yes, I may be slower than you, but maybe I'm worth waiting for."

Dorothy

Blanche, my mother is missing, it's the middle of the night, you have to excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.

Blanche

[about Sophia] Have you found her?

Dorothy

Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago, but now I've hidden her again so you can find her.

Rose

[checking in Sophia] Name?

Sophia

Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People! [Rose writes this down on her clipboard]

Dorothy

Rose, I don't think you are up to this.

Rose

Now, where were we?

Dorothy

Name.

Rose

Rose Nylund.

Dorothy

Rose, maybe you could help. We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.

Rose

Maybe she's lost!

Dorothy

Stan, I am not driving around with license plates that say POT HEAD.

Stan

That's just an abbreviation. I didn't have room for the whole 'potato head.'

Rose

[about Stan's latest invention] What's a "Zborny"?

Dorothy

I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose. Trust me, you don't want to know.

Dorothy

Now, look, we can't go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other. So, whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it. No more arguments. Agreed?

Blanche

All right, yes, yes.

Dorothy

Okay, here we go. [reads votes] "Split the money." "Let Blanche keep it." "Give it to the old lady."

Sophia

Yes!

Dorothy

"Split the money." Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it.

Blanche

Big Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.

Sophia

If it's any consolation, Blanche, when I wrote "Give it to the old lady," I did mean you.

Rose

You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this.

Dorothy

I believe you. I just hate you.

Rose

Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that - anyway, when Ol' Space Needle was in high school, she drank some Cherry Herring and made love in the back seat of a Fjord Fjairlane. [notices puzzled looks from others] Local car.

Dorothy

Oh.

Rose

And she... got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Ganakkadopenschpingel.

Sophia

She knows what you mean.

Rose

Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.

Blanche

Well, why would she marry a guy like that?

Dorothy

Because I was young! [catches herself] I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Rose, this is your story. Go- go on, go on.

Rose

Well anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-On Warts.

Dorothy

Who bought those?!

Rose

Hags, mostly. Don't you see, he was successful, and he wanted Gunilla back.

Dorothy

Well, what happened to her, Rose?

Rose

Skylab fell on her.

Dorothy

What is the POINT of this story?!!

Rose

Be thankful for your health!

Rose

Stop being so vain. You can't stay forty two forever.

Blanche

Yes you can. If you eat right, exercise, and live with women who look A LOT OLDER THAN YOU.

Dorothy

Tell me something Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?

Sophia

[before going in to a Meals-on-Wheels customer's aparment] This is Mrs. Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things. One, compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.

Dorothy

Got it.

Sophia

[steps in] Oh hi, Fluffy, looking good!

Well, I'm hungry. And I'm on the list. And who do you think you are?

Dorothy

Sergeant Zbornak, food police. Now look, I don't want any trouble, now just hand over that turkey loaf.

No, you can't, I need this food, except for the carrot raisin salad. I never understood carrot raisin salad.

Rose

[beginning a St. Olaf story] We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.

Sophia

Oh God!

Rose

On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh my, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around it and look in.

Dorothy

and they say Hollywood is the Entertainment Capital of the World.

Rose

Well we didn't just look, sometimes we'd point too, or spit and time it.

Dorothy

whimpering. She buries her head in her palm.

Rose

Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a few drinks and unzip himself.

Dorothy

It's official. I hate her.

Sophia

Oh, Pussycat, just the person I'm looking for. I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical. Let's say a man wants to take you on a date.

Dorothy

Why is that hypothetical?

Sophia

Check your calendar, Pussycat.