Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Magda

[on Communism] The way things were, we knew what to do, the choices were easy. When there is one road, no one gets lost.

Rose

Not necessarily. Back in St. Olaf---

Dorothy

Rose, is this a story about someone getting lost?

Rose

Uh-huh.

Dorothy

Well, don't tell us, show us.

Dorothy

You know something, Blanche, you're not the only one who ever had a problem with sisters. When I was a kid, I had a doll named Mrs. Doolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to---

Sophia

Do we have to listen to that damn Mrs. Doolittle story again?! So your sister broke your doll! It was 50 years ago!

Dorothy

It was very traumatic. [voice breaking] She was my favorite doll! I didn't talk to Gloria for months. But eventually, Blanche, I realized, sisters are harder to replace than dolls, so we made up. And I vowed right then and there never, ever to fight over something so childish and silly again---[to Sophia] ---MY FAVORITE!

Rose

I have a sister story I think you'll find interesting...

Dorothy

She didn't just break it, she made it so the eyes would never close again! She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Rose

Now, here's the scary part. Suddenly I realized I was this frightened little girl alone in the big city.

Dorothy

[to Sophia] Accident, my foot!

Rose

It started to rain, and I stood there in the middle of the town square and cried...

Sophia

Gloria was the one who had to get the rabies shot!

Dorothy

[turns to Blanche] I was a biter.

Rose

I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, Schroeder was behind the plate, Lucy and Snoopy were in center field, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do you think it is?

Dorothy

Peanuts envy?

Dorothy

He was trapped in a bad marriage.

Sophia

There is no such thing being as trapped in a marriage. In this country, you can get divorced, in Sicily there was no divorce, you had to resort to lupara.

Rose

Is that some kind of legal loophole?

Sophia

It's some kind of sawed-off shotgun.

Dorothy

I was in a room with you once before when your wife called, and you told her you were alone... then you were cheating on her.

Yeah, with you.

Dorothy

But I've also been Bernice, and I've had my husband call me, and he was always alone too.

Blanche

[trapped in a bathroom stall] Dorothy, let me out of here right now!

Dorothy

There's only one way out, Blanche, and I don't think you can hold your breath long enough.

Blanche

You're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Dorothy

Five years of molehills. They add up.

Dorothy

Sounds to me like you two just had a little misunderstanding. [banging on the stall door to emphasize each word] NOT FIVE YEARS OF DELIBERATE BETRAYAL OF TRUST!

Blanche

Dorothy, you do that one more time, I'm gonna write on this wall "for a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak".

Dorothy

Blanche, this is the ladies' room.

Blanche

[evilly] Right.

Dorothy

What are you saying, Rose? Weddings get you hot?

Rose

Yes. I mean, it was fine when Charlie was alive, but oh, I'll never forget that first wedding after he died. So now you see why I can't go if Miles is going to be out of town. I might end up almost going to bed with the caterer again!

Blanche

Rose, I want to help, but first you have to tell me what the problem is.

Rose

[referring to her painting] I think it's impossible to paint autumn in St. Olaf.

Dorothy

How come?

Rose

Maybe it's because of the horrible St. Olaf Falling Leif story.

Dorothy

Rose, if this a story about a man named Leif, I don't want to hear it.

Rose

It's not that long.

Dorothy

No.

Rose

It has a surprise ending.

Dorothy

All right Rose, just the ending, but keep it short!

Rose

...Splat!

Dorothy

Blanche, what's wrong, you're shaking?

Blanche

I have been humiliated and degraded.

Sophia

Many times, you're just figuring it out now?

Rose

What is taking so long? It's been hours.

Sophia

It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy. [pause] I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.

Dorothy

You know, Ma, you're really making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was to have me and how long it took.

Sophia

Did I mention the colic?

Dorothy

Ma, you're hurting my feelings.

Sophia

Not as much as you hurt my oonie.

Dorothy

[looks around in embarrassment] MA!

Dorothy

Oh, it doesn’t matter what your parents want, Rose, you’re never going to make them happy. They’re just gonna nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em, but you don’t because you’re in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!!!

Sophia

[looking unamused, though knowing that she was targeted] In other words, Rose, hang up the skates.

Rose

Oh Sophia, Big-Foot... thank you! I mean, you’re terrific! You made me realize you don’t have to please your parents. I don’t know how I can thank you. No more ice-skating! And I’m not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel!

Dorothy

No, Rose, that you should do.

Dorothy

Becky, wouldn't you rather have your baby in a place with less stereo and more...

Dorothy

Morphine?

Why is she screaming?

Sophia

She's conscious.

(enters the bedroom and waking Dorothy) Dorothy, I was just wondering what being in labor feels like.

Dorothy

Well, how do you feel?

(serious) If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.

Dorothy

Showtime!