The Golden Girls · Season 4, Episode 6
“Sophia's Wedding” · Season 4, Episode 6
In this episode: Rose Nylund (9), Dorothy Zbornak (7), Blanche Devereaux (5), Sophia Petrillo (4)
[enters kitchen, crying] Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.
Oh, I'm so sorry! What happened?
[sarcastically] She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. [snapping] SHE WAS 88!
Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
When is the funeral?
Wednesday.
I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.
[leaves kitchen] I'm not going, and you know why!
I guess the body was lost at sea.
Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?
Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?
Please, the last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.
According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.
Whose?
Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot!
Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.
Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding, she told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I get the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.
Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.
Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth!
Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five-foot-seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.
Damn MCI.
Blanche, I would be honored if you would be the first member of the Hunka-Hunka-Burnin'-Love fan club.
I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president!
Why should you be president?
Well, because I saw Elvis in Harem Scarem over 50 times.
Well, so did I!
I have every album he ever recorded.
So have I, and every single!
I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.
[leaves kitchen, chagrined] Congratulations, Madam President!
Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.
Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with mutton-chop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou, it could've happened!
Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.
All right, all right! But I did once make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis's name. Technically I think that counts.
Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!
Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!
But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise: a genuine Elvis artifact!
It's a partially eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? [passes around pork chop in glass collector's case]
[holding pork chop in case] This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would have never left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs hysterically]
[unamused, steals pork chop] Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week. [other members depart] Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.
We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.
Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion, honey.
Oh, like what, Blanche, the PLO?
You're little Dorothy Petrillo!
That's right.
You haven't changed a bit! Same gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair...
You have cataracts, don't you Mr. Weinstock?
[putting on his glasses] Since 1967.
[seeing the Elvis impersonators] Uh oh. Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list or everyone in Max's family appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.
Oh Dorothy, you're just cranky because you haven't had a cigarette in a while.
Maybe a little, but I'll tell you the truth - I really think I'm over the worst part of it.
That's great, I'm really proud of you. You think you'd miss that feeling you get with that first puff, that feeling of relaxation when you hold it in and then sheer exhilaration when you exhale smoke...
[Dorothy takes a deep breath, holds it in and then exhales slowly as though she were taking a puff of a cigarette.]
No, not really, I've, I've found other ways to ease my tensions. Honey, would you hand me that large saucepan over there?
[grabs saucepan] Sure.
No, the one behind it, the really big one.
[Rose hands Dorothy the large saucepan. Dorothy takes the saucepan, puts it over Rose's head, and begins to beat on it repeatedly with her wooden spoon.]
You know, you really have to give Max and Sophia credit. This business was their dream, and they're going after it. I just wish I'd done that with my dream.
Fine. Honey, would you check on the pizzas? One may be ready.
Well, why don't you want to hear about my dream?
Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche - sex, sex, sex! I am tired of hearing it!
Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.
You want the pot again, Rose?
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