Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing?

Sophia

I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill, what do you think? It's hot as hell in here!

Dorothy

Close it before the food spoils.

Sophia

OK. [closes robe]

Dorothy

I meant the refrigerator!

Dorothy

Morning, Rose.

Rose

[cries and goes into kitchen]

Blanche

Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel!

Dorothy

I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!

Blanche

I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!

Sophia

Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose

God, I hate fog!

Sophia

Why? You spent most of your life in one!

Rose

I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.

Blanche

What's Mount Losenbaden?

Rose

It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.

Blanche

Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... [panicking] Oh God, it's making SENSE!

Dorothy

[calling to Sophia at the front of the donkey-drawn wagon] How're you doing up there, Ma?

Sophia

Fine!

Blanche

Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us, honey?

Sophia

Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better!

Thank you!

Sophia

It's great bringing two idiots closer together.

Dorothy

I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Blanche

[to Fred, the repairman] Oh thank God you're here, this heat's driving me crazy!

You're not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear!

Dorothy

There's no old lady living... [looks through the kitchen window] MA!!! [runs outside]

Stan

You see, babe, it's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.

Dorothy

Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley, you're a horse's ass.

Rose

At the counseling center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.

Dorothy

Rose, I am not in denial.

Rose

Oh, yes you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

Dorothy

Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.

Rose

If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial!

Dorothy

Look, fluffhead, why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial. You are the one who said I was in denial and don't you deny it!

Sophia

These two [Blanche and Rose]are driving me crazy! They scratch the furniture, they eat food off the floor, and this one just coughed up a hairball!

Rose

It wasn't a hairball, it was...

Dorothy

Oh Rose, who CARES what it was! Now stop driving Ma crazy!

Rose

Dorothy, our director said in order to prepare for our roles we must become cats. [to Sophia] That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn, and Blanche has been making those high-pitched squealing sounds in her room at night.

Dorothy

You've been practicing for this role for a lifetime, haven't you Blanche?

Sophia

[enters kitchen, crying] Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.

Dorothy

Oh, I'm so sorry! What happened?

Sophia

[sarcastically] She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. [snapping] SHE WAS 88!

Rose

Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Dorothy

When is the funeral?

Sophia

Wednesday.

Dorothy

I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.

Sophia

[leaves kitchen] I'm not going, and you know why!

Rose

I guess the body was lost at sea.

Sophia

According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.

Rose

Whose?

Sophia

Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot!

Rose

Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.

Sophia

Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding, she told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I get the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.

Dorothy

Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.

Sophia

Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth!

Dorothy

Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five-foot-seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.

Sophia

Damn MCI.

Rose

Blanche, I would be honored if you would be the first member of the Hunka-Hunka-Burnin'-Love fan club.

Blanche

I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president!

Rose

Why should you be president?

Blanche

Well, because I saw Elvis in Harem Scarem over 50 times.

Rose

Well, so did I!

Blanche

I have every album he ever recorded.

Rose

So have I, and every single!

Blanche

I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.

Rose

[leaves kitchen, chagrined] Congratulations, Madam President!

Dorothy

Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.

Blanche

Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with mutton-chop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou, it could've happened!

Dorothy

Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.

Blanche

All right, all right! But I did once make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis's name. Technically I think that counts.

Blanche

But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise: a genuine Elvis artifact!

Rose

It's a partially eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? [passes around pork chop in glass collector's case]

Dorothy

[holding pork chop in case] This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would have never left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs hysterically]

Blanche

[unamused, steals pork chop] Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week. [other members depart] Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.

Dorothy

I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.

Rose

We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.

Blanche

Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion, honey.

Dorothy

Oh, like what, Blanche, the PLO?

You're little Dorothy Petrillo!

Dorothy

That's right.

You haven't changed a bit! Same gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair...

Dorothy

You have cataracts, don't you Mr. Weinstock?

[putting on his glasses] Since 1967.