Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[to Marguerite] So what's all this about you putting a curse on my daughter?

Dorothy

[doomed] We're all gonna be turned into kumquats.

Dorothy

The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked.

Rose

Really?

Dorothy

Yep. And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh.

Blanche

[stares at Rose for a few seconds, shrugs, and then begins staring at Dorothy, then bursts out laughing hysterically. After a few seconds Rose starts to laugh too. Dorothy, exasperated, exits the room.]

Blanche

What if you were giving a eulogy for me, Dorothy? What would you say?

Dorothy

Well... I think I'd say that you were a kind, generous and loving person, and one of the best friends I've ever had.

Blanche

Nothing about my looks?

Dorothy

Okay, I'd say you were one of the prettiest friends I've ever had.

Blanche

Only "one of"?

Dorothy

The, Blanche! The prettiest. ... What would you say about me?

Blanche

Dorothy...

Dorothy

I told you, you can tell me.

Blanche

Well, I think I'd say that... I always felt safe having you in the house. And I'd say that I always enjoyed talking to you when I came home from one of my numerous dates. And I'd say that I always looked up to you, like an older sister.

Dorothy

Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing: I would also say you're fat.

Blanche

Night after night I had this awful dream that I was trapped in an enclosed space full of men!

Dorothy

Now what could that mean? [short pause] Let's give this a second...

Dorothy

Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].

Rose

Why not?

Dorothy

It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.

Blanche

Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!

Dorothy

She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!

Rose

Are you all right, Sophia?

Sophia

Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.

Rose

For your mussels marinara?

Sophia

No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.

Rose

Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.

Rose

I'm concerned about nuclear war!

Dorothy

And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Sophia

[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.

Blanche

Depressing.

Dorothy

Awful.

Rose

Stinky.

Sophia

[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

Blanche

[about the article in the paper about her supposed affair with Gil Kessler] You girls don't believe this. Well, I mean, I'm not denying that's me in the photograph but I am denying that anything happened. I just dropped off his folder.

Dorothy

Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?

Blanche

We were just talking.

Rose

Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in the building next door?

Dorothy

Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala!

Dorothy

Ma, ma, you promised you'd stay in your room 'til the meeting was over.

Sophia

Who am I, ALF?

Dorothy

[examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!

Sophia

And those look like Blanche's red shoes!

Dorothy

And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?

Rose

That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!

Dorothy

It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.

Sophia

Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy. There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one, I'm never wrong.

Dorothy

Oh, come on. Ma, remember your hunch about your nephew Angelo? You said one day he'd be pope!

Sophia

Dorothy, you gotta pay attention! I said one day he'd sell dope! What do you think he went to Attica for? The volleyball program?

Blanche

Dorothy, quick, turn on the television. Gil's press conference is about to start.

Rose

Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him.

Dorothy

Well, I wouldn't be too sure of that. Look at all of those reporters.

Blanche

Yeah! There's Charlie Thompson, and Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin!

Blanche

I had lunch at the Press Club once.

Rose

Only once? Gosh, it took me two years to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough!

Blanche

[answers the telephone]) Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. Yes, that Blanche Devereaux, and no, I did not! Absolutely not! I will tell it to a judge! I will yell it from the highest mountaintops! I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles! [hangs up telephone] Now did that sound like a liar?

Dorothy

No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline!

Rose

I'm still confused about the operation that Gil Kessler had. Is the man asleep during it?

Dorothy

I think so.

Rose

And what about the parts they put on? Do they test them first?

Dorothy

Of course, Rose. You know, like windshield wipers.

Rose

So they work?

Dorothy

I assume so, yes.

Rose

[Brief pause] ...What are they made of?

Dorothy

[irritated] Silly Putty, Rose!

Blanche

I don't normally speak to people who call me a liar.

Dorothy

Oh come on Blanche, we're in public now. There's no reason to be hostile.

Blanche

Oh, yes there is. I don't like you.

Dorothy

And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert!