[voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic.
Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt?
No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got?
A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever.
[excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine!
Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical?
Since it became Phantom of the Opera.
But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame.
It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul.
Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.
There's an "F." It's Adam F!
My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes!
Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show.
It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly]
[Adam and Lainey leave just as JTP turn up]
[sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this?
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.
What are you talking about?
Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude.
The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go.
Andy: You know, if I were you, I'd be worried about a showmance.
R"Naked" Rob
Oh, for sure.
R"Naked" Rob
It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too.
How do you guys know so much about theater?
We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry.
You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.
R"Naked" Rob
Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.
Yeah you're literally sweating it.
You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]
Yeah, it's like a gland issue.
[voiceover] When you were a kid, cracking open a toy catalog and making your holiday wish list was the most exciting part of the year. But now that I was a ninth-grade man, I wanted something you couldn't find in any store.
Psst! Yo! Goldnerd, Come here. [Adam comes to Johnny] You got the money, I got the hook-up.
[voiceover] Christmas came early. He had a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Holy Kenobi! The legend is true!
This is the rarest film in existence. Only aired once in the lame-ass '70s.
Give me, give me, give me!
Pleasure doing business. Enjoy your Star Wars. [Adam gives him his pound note and Johnny hands him a video of Star Wars Holiday Special.]
And that is how you perform CPR on a man. Whoa, Mr. Goldberg, what is that you have there? Is that another note?
You know the rule. If you get caught with a note, you have to stand up and read it out loud so that everybody can hear it.
[standing up and reading it aloud] "Hey, Adam. Who's your favorite teacher? I know mine's old Glascott. He's hip like us. Dude just gets it. Did you know he's in a funk-fusion band called Funk and Games? I heard he's playing at the farmer's market this weekend." I can't read any more. I'm just gonna eat it. [He is about to eat it]
You can't eat paper! It'll plug you up!
Ugh! I am so glad I'm finally done with that college essay.
You know, sweetheart, it's not too late to write about a real hero.
Ship's kind of sailed at this point.
That ship might circle back to port when you take a gander at some circus adventures after the war.
Oh, Pops, you don't have to make stuff up. You'll always be a hero to me.
But I spend four hours digging this up... Ah, damn it. She's gone.
[Project whirrs]
MOMan on TV
And there they are, folks, stretching it.
[They cheer and applause]
MOMan on TV
All right! Come on down and see it.
My brother. Barry, my handsome and powerful brother, I need your help.
Normally I'd punch you and walk away, but I gotta say I'm intrigued.
I joined the tennis team, and I need a doubles partner.
And I need your incredible gifts.
Since you dominated all sports, I was wondering if you'd help me seek revenge on my best friend on the tennis court.
Well, you're in luck 'cause I know everything there is about tennis because of the coolest player on the planet.
[voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley.
R"Naked" Rob
So talented.
Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person.
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge.
Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.
So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
We should totally make him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.
R"Naked" Rob
Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!
[pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...
[They start beatboxing]
[singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two
He's stuck in a loop again.
[continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you
[Crowd boos]
And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...
[voiceover] It was March 8th, 1980-something, and I was doing what I did best, being awesome.
[as Robocop] Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
All right, my little Robo-Schmoop, time to clean up your masterpiece so I can lay out mine.
But we're about to shoot Pops' big scene.
Adam, is that you? I can't see in this thing!
Finally! I'm schvitzing in this big box!
[Pops accidentally knocks over Adam's video camera]
[voiceover] What happened next would change my life forever.
[slow-motion] Oh... Fudge!
Only, I didn't say "fudge". I said the big one, the granddaddy of bad words, and it was not good.
[Beverly drags Adam and turns the TV off]
You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds!
It was an accident, okay?
Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word?
Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff?
You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! [he walks off]
Wha... What? I have never!
What? I don't talk like that.
[voiceover] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home.
Okay, maybe I do get saucy once in a blue moon, but I can because I'm an adult.
An adult who can't stop herself from talking like a lumberjack.
Oh, really? Well, we'll see about that. I'm starting a swear jar. [She puts pickles in the bin]
You do realize that jar is way too small for you, right?
Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna drop a penny into this thing.
Oh, well, then you won't mind if we use it for something awesome, like, I don't know, a trip to the Bahamas.
Or even more exciting... A trip to Colonial Williamsburg! We can finally get a picture in the stocks!
You already have one! [She shows Beverly a picture of her, Adam and Beverly in the stocks]
But I want a new one. Oh. Thou doth look so snuggly. [She giggles]
No more old-timey trips where we learn stuff. I want to tan in the Bahamas.
No one's going to the Bahamas. No one's going anywhere.
Of course not. And you know why? Because my lips are squeaky-clean. Yay! Making my kids better people is gonna be [BLEEP] fun.
Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to include Matt Bradley into the JTP.
BBradley
We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table.
A streamlined iguana? For real? [He looks at Matt Bradley who has a snake around his neck]
R"Naked" Rob
A deal's a deal. He's JTP-worthy.
Fine! We take a vote and never discuss it again. All those in favor in accepting Matt Bradley as a member of the JTP, say "Aye."
Those opposed? Me. And as we all know, I'm the leader, so my vote counts as three. And what does that mean?
And what happens in the event of a tie vote?
Democracy in action! Let's go.
Yo, JTP, you meet Snake Plissken?
Nah. He's a boa, super-docile.
Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to hold it.
Oh, yeah! I mean... No. We took a vote. We reject you and your awesome viper.
That's not what the vote was for. It was to be a member of the JTP.
Don't be. You've already been rejected. It was a landslide.
R"Naked" Rob
Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test.
It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength.
Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us.
You don't mess around in the JTP.
No! He's not a member! No call and response, JTP.
