Stylish? You're wearing Batman pajama bottoms.
It's Batman Under Armour!
Okay, everybody out. I need to use the... [sees Adam shaving] Oh, my God! Are you using my lady BIC?
I'm stimulating the follicles.
Ha! You suck. Barry, get the camera! Adam's being Adam!
What's with all the yelling? Oh, my joy! Is my baby trying to shave? [happy gasp]
I'm stimulating the follicles.
I got the Polaroid. Say "peach fuzz." [takes a picture of Adam, much to the latter's embarrassment]
Haha! That's going on the holiday card. [laughing]
How many years of experience do I have as a CPA? [scoffs] Let me answer that with a follow-up question. What is a CPA? [looking at the kid in the picture] This kid's head is weird. [putting his feet up on the desk] [sighs] Are you related?
I've got fresh rhymes and I gotta pay my bills
You've got a lot of grime and I got some cleaning skills
Then I put the second piece of tape this way, and I'm a pig! [chuckles] [beat-boxing] Hire me.
[Indistinct conversations]
Happy to report the dorks and dinks are afraid to talk to me again. All is right with the world.
Well, now that you've been on the other side, maybe you'll have pity for them.
Get your stupid pink eye...in both eyes. And I was so upset I threw my hair dryer against the wall and broke it. Now I'm so stressed, I think I may be getting a little pimple. Am I?
There might be something coming in.
[sighs] I'm so sorry, Barry. I don't wanna be seen with me, I totally get it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm super into this.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, they combined the two greatest things in the world... music and television. We all remember our favorite veejays introducing the coolest videos on a constant loop. The budgets were as high as the air, and the animation ranged from dancing cats to hunky cartoon boyfriends. And no one was more addicted to it than me and my sister.
I can't decide whether that guy's hotter as a human or a cartoon.
If Jessica Rabbit taught us anything...cartoon.
I mean, what did we even do before MTV existed?
I think we just listened to music like animals.
[Beverly turns the TV off]
You've been watching this music MTV television for six hours. Enough is enough. Go do your homework.
Well, if you think about it, I'm gonna be a musician, so this is my homework.
And if you really think about it, my life's passion is making films, so this is my homework, too.
Well, my passion is snuggies, which I'm gonna shower you with if you don't leave right now. Go before I kiss your belly. [smooching] And you... have you even looked at the college catalogs I brought you?
Actually, I have, and I've narrowed it down to my top choices.
[laughing] Oh, yes! It's happening! You're growing up. Oh, no. It's happening. I'm not ready for this. Make time stop. Make it stop!
Focus! Okay, one option is the London Conservatory of Music.
Ocean between us... pass.
There's also an awesome music program at UCLA.
Country between us... pass.
A Connecticut between us... pass.
What about something here in town, like the prestigious Jenkintown Funk Academy?
That's the dance studio/karate dojo next to the Mattress Store.
[sighs] There's got to be something within driving distance.
Well, I guess Juilliard is in New York. That's my dream school, but no one gets in.
[gasps] We're going to Juilliard.
Okay, stop. That's the best school in the country.
Best for you, closest for me. I am gonna make this happen.
We're going to Juilliard.
We're going to Juilliard!
It was May 6, 1980-something. The school day was going off without a hitch all thanks to the watchful eye of Principal Earl Ball.
Let's go, youngsters. Activate those legs so we can activate those minds. Ooh, yes. That's definitely going into "Earl's pearls."
[Principal Ball hears something banging and clattering, so he opens the door to find Barry and Lainey kissing]
Aah! Oh. Hello there, sir. Um, there was a spill in science lab. [picking up the mop] And we needed a mop.
We were kissing. She's pretty.
Why did you call me when it's usually my wife who handles this annoying school crap?
Well, truthfully, I couldn't reach her. And more truthfully, I didn't try because she scares me.
Sorry I'm late. We're having a sale down at the...
Son of a bitch. Oh, this guy.
[voiceover] And that guy was Lainey's dad, my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.
Look, I called you both in here today because we need to talk about what's going on with your kids.
There's nothing going on, because I very clearly and emphatically forbade it.
Well, for the third time this week, I caught them canoodling in secret. It's unacceptable.
We have a saying in Texas... "don't blame the armadillo. Blame the armadillo's dumb father."
Oh-ho. We have a saying here... you're bald.
I'll have you know, the ladies love it. [pointing to Principal Ball]
Eh? Okay. What is happening here right now?
I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas cowboys. Who does that?
Red-blooded Americans, that's who does that.
Got to say, it surprises me, this friction that exists between the two of you, considering how similar you are.
No, no, no. For example, you're both fathers. You're both small-business owners. You both seem very angry.
And you're both football fans. Now, this is a bond which I can respect as a lifelong fan of the New York football Giants.
Whoa, you're a Giants fan? Why the hell do you live in Philadelphia?
[pointing at Bill] He's got a point. Unlike the Giants last season.
[Both laugh]
For your information, we won the conference last year, so suck it! So what I actually mean to say is that it's always easier to get along than be short with each other. And that is one of "Earl's pearls" you can take to the bank.
Well, thank you for your wise advice and, uh, the Giants suck.
Yeah. They suck so hard. But good luck next season. Whoops.
[Erica puts her folder in the locker when the saxophone plays]
Yo, looking forward to Saturday night.
So I'll pick up Carla first, be at your place around 7:00, cool?
Cool. [chuckles] Wait, what?
Yeah, I'm also giving her a ride to the dance. And she can hang out with us. And dance with us.
Are you taking both of us to the dance?
Classic Johnny Atkins, am I right? How could you not see this coming?
Because I have no idea who you are, other than an oddly confident band geek.
Shows what you know. Band geek in the front, rock God in the back.
Are you seriously okay with this?
No, but I really feel like I can fix him.
But she can't, so what do you say?
What do you think she says? Hit the bricks, bro.
Dude, I will punch you in the eyeball.
Erica, help me. He's serious.
[sighs] You know what, Johnny? That's a firm "no" to your creepy offer.
Your loss. Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got a date to homecoming yet? [He walks along with Carla and plays saxophone]
Oh, man, that was so sweet of me, huh? So if it's looking like you're free Saturday night, then...
I'm not going to the dance, Geoff. Not with anybody. [She walks off]
No, not a new one. It's photo day at school.
You came to the right place.
No, get out! I don't want any of your terrible device.
Dude, I'm a pimple bro. You got to pop that thing immediately.
Everyone says not to pop it.
Look at this flawless skin. It's like baby Italian marble. Would you rather have a pizza face or a Barry face?
Fine. I'll just pop the thing.
Oh, I gotta get this on film. [filming Adam] Come on. Let's get a close-up of that zit. Hey, why are you covering it? Don't feel so embarrassed. Let me see that zit. Come on. For memories.
[coming home] Out of the way, nerd.
Hey, I was just looking through the mail. Actually, there's something here for you.
"Master Barry Goldberg?" From C. Norris? Hollywood, California? Dude, Chuck Norris wrote me back! [opening the letter and reading the note] "Dear Barry, sorry it took me so long to write back, but thanks for the nice words and for being a fan. I have given a great deal of thought to what I'm about to tell you."
Shut up! "Herein lies my most precious secret to being a true martial arts warrior. If you have a brother, obey him. He has a power you do not yet understand. Godspeed, douche-nozzle. Sincerely, Chuck Norris."
So, what's it say, douche-nozzle?
It says I should kick your ass.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys before the big day.
[eating a piece of turkey] Mmm!
[voiceover] To my mom, it was a time for family. For my dad, it was a hassle.
Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house?
[voiceover] Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would...
Oh, look! Murray, there's your father! What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?
You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?
So, I have eyes everywhere. What? Does that make me some kind of villain?
Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving. You got to give it up.
You're right. He's your father, and I have no right to... Hi! Ben, look! It's your son, Murray! You remember Murray.
BBen
My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery.
So, any plans for the holiday, Ben?
BBen
Yeah, I got it right here. This compartment is the stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes. That gray circle, that's the turkey.
Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that?
BBen
That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking.
That was right after we got married. That was ages ago.
BBen
Your turkey was drier than the sun. It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings. I did not enjoy the meal.
It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself. My kids were little. They were hanging all over me. I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less!
BBen
No baster could fix your food crimes. Sorry, pal. You deserve better.
This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!
See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him. You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook.
The best cook. And family is important and stuff.
Well, it's not gonna happen. It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year.
Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.
As Pops was trying to put an end to my mom's new traditions, I was trying to get back at Barry for ruining ours.
Oh, I will do it. I've stuck my tongue to tons of different things.
You're stalling. Come on. I triple dog dare you.
There it was, the coup de grâce of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare. Barry had no choice but to accept.
No fear. [Now he gets his tongue stuck on the ball pole and Adam laughs] It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck!
That's right. You ain't going nowhere, bro.
You've been ignoring me all week, but no more! Looks like you'll be hanging out with your little brother, like it or not.
Adam I'm sorry okay? I do want to spend time with you.
Of course, I was dumb. We're brothers. Now let's go inside and play a game of ball ball.
Original version! Now come over here and give Big Tasty a hug.
Aww. [coming closer to his brother and Barry puts his hands on his head] No! No!
You putz! Now we're both stuck and nobody knows we're here!
Huh. I did not think that through.
[They are now stuck on the ball pole and fighting each other]
[Barry shows Beverly a Christmas card]
It's the eighth day of Hanukkah. Figure I'd save the best for last.
Well, I love it. But you know what present I'd really love? A snuggie from my biggest boy.
You'll regret ever challenging me. [hugging Beverly] Take these snuggies. Take 'em. Barry wins at everything.
That's right, honey. You win.
Barry wins at everything.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my brother and I never liked the same music. That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever.
[singing] Well, I'm Mike D and I'm back from the dead Chilling at the beach down at club med
[voiceover] The Beastie Boys. To us, they weren't just a rap group. They were a way of life. We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric. Simply put, they were a game-changer.
I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, he would be like, "We should be best friends."
For sure! We're practically related. They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe.
All three of them! What are the chances?
Wait a minute. Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we. Answer me this. Do we not have a license to ill? [He shows Adam a license to ill]
Dude, you spelled "license" wrong.
Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock. I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie Boys inspired supergroup, The Tasty Boys.
Could we give it five more minutes on the name?
You'd really let me into your rap supergroup?
Of course. Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star.
[They put their glasses on]
Who's ill? Oh, my God, get to bed. No one's going to school today.
Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV. Come on. Yeah.
Being a reap star is awesome!
[Beverly tucks Barry in with a blanket]
[voiceover] It was January 6, 1980-something. The fateful day my mom first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.
[voiceover] Everything was brand-new. It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of Formica in every shade of brown.
Is that almond-colored? It's beautiful. Like dirty snow. This linoleum, it looks like real tile. Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front!
VVirginia
And the best part, Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.
No, get out of my way. Move your body. I must speak to Murray now.
[Beverly now has to run back home and speak to Murray]
We're getting a new kitchen.
What's wrong with the old kitchen?
You just said it. It's old. It doesn't have what I need in the kitchen. Hello, Bill.
All you need in the kitchen is food and forks. And maybe a cup or two.
Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.
Then it's settled. We're gonna get a juicer. Damn it, Bevy, you win again.
I mean it. We need to renovate. This thing should be in a museum. A museum of ugly refrigerators. Blech! And look at this floor. No, don't. It'll give you a seizure. And what about these lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal. Like, "Oh, here's the tarragon." Oh. [But she accidentally clatters the pots on the floor] And now I'm stressed out.
Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune. And the materials alone...
I'm a tile man. I'll hook you up for free.
I see what this is about. You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
You're a creature of habit. For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.
Just because I like things the certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.
Then how do you explain this?
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.
The second you find out that coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile. What kind of person is afraid of new coke? It's nuts.
I'm not afraid. I just like the old-timey original kind.
Okay, see? You're just proving my point.
Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that big pink orange I ate that one time.
Yeah. Never again. The point is, I love change.
Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here. Big changes!
[voiceover] As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks.
[Adam and Barry are beatboxing]
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary
You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses.
But we need 'em to get the cool fisheye-lens effect.
Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game.
You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family.
I'm just happy he's including me. Life DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Dude, you're not a real musician. You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it.
Hiding in your bedroom. You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them.
I'm just... Perfecting each one.
No. You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you. I, on the other hand, don't think at all.
It's true. He does not think.
Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them. They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots.
You're right. We need a third.
I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want.
She's right! We should hold auditions! [He gives Adam a hi-five]
