[voiceover] The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing." And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the big screen at the cinema] Somebody who's taught me...
Beverly...That there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. [mimicking] Sit down, Jake.
[voiceover] Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her... 17 times.
You said we could see "Spaceballs." There's no space or balls in this whole movie.
Beverly
Hold my hand. Live this with me.
[voiceover] My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.99.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the TV] Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
Beverly
Nobody!
My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks.
Beverly
And -- woof -- mama like that muffet. [snorts]
[voiceover] "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along. For the first time ever, they were, like, friends.
Beverly
You know, this is actually based on a true story.
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Beverly
It's real, and you can't take that away from me.
Wait...maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme. We can do a "dirty dancing" dance!
Beverly
Are you telling me you get to live "dirty dancing," and I could live every moment through you?
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Beverly
It's decided. We do this dance.
Aw, screw it! Help me plan it.
Lame! Sorry, ladies! Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks!
Beverly
No! Don't you ruin this for us!
There's only one dance movie in this world that matters -- "footloose"!
Beverly
Stop this at once!
It has it all -- gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town.
Please! "Dirty dancing" is at least realistic. A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort.
No. Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer.
Beverly
You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone!
But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television!
Beverly
That's the point.
Fine! You took away my "footloose," I take away your "dirty dancing." [He is about to take away her "Dirty Dancing."]
Beverly
What?
Beverly
Hey!
Beverly
Hands off my swayze!
Beverly
Dancer!
He is a bouncer! He's a bouncer!
Beverly
Dancer!
[voiceover] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad.
Beverly
Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels of this vacuum cleaner. Can you come down and take a look at it?
I just bought you a new used one nine years ago!
Beverly
I'm telling you, it's sticking. See, if you just move it back and forth, you know?
[helping her hoover] Seems fine to me.
Beverly
Just move with it a little. Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back.
Beverly
There it goes. [She switches the boombox on playing "I Had a Time of My Life"] Just really get into the rhythm of the vacuum.
Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing. I am not dancing with you.
Beverly
Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life. Inches! [She switches the music off and storms off]
Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh?
You mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people.
See? You get it. Why doesn't she?
Murray, it's important to her. It's just dancing. What's the big deal?
For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life. And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon.
Oh, stop. Everyone's danced at some point.
You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars?
I'm all business in the shower. Soap, rinse, out.
You've never once been driving, and Miami sound machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel?
Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines?
Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio?
My dad traded it for a bucket. That's how I got my birthday bucket.
Beverly
Inappropriate?!
Beverly
That piece of human [Bleep] doesn't know what's inappropriate for children.
He said the theme's gonna be "soda hop pop." It's over, mom.
Beverly
Over? Did Johnny Castle give up when we was unjustly fired from Kellerman's?
Beverly
That's right! He came back and danced dirty, and so will you after I march down to that school and give Principal Ball a piece of my mind.
Beverly
You want to march?
Beverly
Down there?!
Beverly
To demand unrealistic changes to school policy, with a complete disdain for reason and common sense?
Beverly
I've never been prouder to call you my daughter.
And I've been been proud to be your daughter until now.
[voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Beverly
Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you.
Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
Beverly
I'm sorry, "gyrate"?
If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Beverly
Marc McGonagle?
Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
Beverly
No. Do not do that.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Beverly
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance.
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky.
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!
Beverly
That was not in the movie.
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
[They all practice dirty-dancing]
Beverly
What have I done?
[voiceover] And so my brother was scheming to win over Bill. Meanwhile, my mom was about to get wise to my scheme.
MMailman
Got a package for Papa Smurfenstein.
Beverly
I think you've got the wrong address.
MMailman
I suppose that means there's also no Inspector Gadget?
Beverly
No.
Beverly
No.
Beverly
No.
Beverly
No.
MMailman
John McClaneberg?
Beverly
No.
MMailman
Hulk Hulkerstein?
Beverly
No.
Beverly
No.
MMailman
Jean Claude Van Thunderdome?
Beverly
What's going on?
MMailman
Let me guess. You have teenagers? Well, one of them's been using a lot of fake names to get free tapes.
Beverly
Well, I think it's obvious who's responsible. [slamming the door]
Beverly
Yes, you. Who else would it be?
Kermit D. Fonz? That's got Adam written all over it.
Beverly
You expect me to believe that Adam did this?
Beverly
Adam?
Beverly
My delicious little snuggle monster?
Beverly
Adam?
He's guilty. Tell her you're guilty.
Why does she say these things, Mama? I'm just a little boy.
Beverly
See? He's has an alibi. He's a little boy.
Why do you always blame me for everything? Just open the box and look at the tapes, and you'll see it wasn't me.
Beverly
[sighs, then opens the box and looks at the tapes] "Weird Al, The songs of Fraggle Rock, The best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And, finally, "101 farts, volume 2." [She closes the box and puts it back down] Hope it was worth it, Erica. You're grounded for a month. No phone, no crimper.
A month with smooth hair? Are you crazy? [to Adam] Tell her!
Okay, fine. It really was me. [stutters] It was such a good deal. I got caught in the heat of the moment. Which is also a song I got for a fraction of a penny.
Beverly
Shh, you don't have to lie for her anymore.
Beverly
Let mama make you a banana split. [chuckles] Okay? You get nothing.
Oof, tough break. [he hands a tape to Erica] Take Sheila E. For your troubles.
[chucking it away clattering] This is ridiculous. Why do I always get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house?
'Cause you do most of it.
You know, if Mom thinks I'm so bad, maybe it's time to show her how bad I can really be.
[She stands up and leaves Adam]
Wait, this was you holding back? Oh, this is not good.
MMailman
Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature.
Beverly
Yeah, Lucky's a dog.
MMailman
Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door.
Beverly
The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo.
Beverly
I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say.
Beverly
She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me?
My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.
Beverly
Wait. It was you?
[voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.
Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.
[voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.
I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.
DFDoug Fell
Your friend's weird.
[Beverly comes in to see what happened]
Beverly
[sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.
DFDoug Fell
Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.
It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom?
[voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.
Beverly
So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat?
You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.
Beverly
Schmoo, I'm sorry...
I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away]
[Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive!
[Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her]
Beverly
There's my baby. I made you your favorite. Cheeseburger lasagne.
Pass. I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable.
Beverly
But... Those are for lunch. It's the wrong meal.
Wow, you really have failed as a mother.
Beverly
Hey. I'm the only one allowed to say that.
Well, it's true. You punished Erica for something I did, almost turning her to a life of crime. If that ain't failing, I don't know what is.
Beverly
Oh, you're right. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she refuses to hear it from me. It dawned on me that I could finally use my crime for good.
Maybe there's someone else who can say it.
[voiceover] Thanks to my scam, there was one tape that was worth every penny. And it was the perfect day to say "I'm sorry."
Beverly
Honey.
Go away. I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square.
Beverly
Look. I don't blame you for acting out after the way I treated you.
I really don't want to talk right now, or ever.
Beverly
Well, you don't have to because I found a band that'll do it for us.
[Beverly turns the music on the boombox]
[voiceover] Sure, Columbia House drove Erica and my mom far apart, but it would also bring them closer than ever.
Beverly
[singing] Everybody needs a little time away
Beverly
[singing] I heard her say I heard her say
Stop doing what you're doing.
Beverly
[singing] Far away... Far away from their mother
Don't make the words about you.
Beverly
[singing] Hold me, schmoo.
Beverly
[singing] It's hard for me to say I'm sorry I just want you to stay
Beverly
[sniffles; then sings again] After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to And after all that's been said and done
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] You're just the part of me I can't let go
[voiceover] And with the help of one soft-rock band, my mom was truly able to say sorry.
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] Couldn't stand to be kept away
There he is. You old son of a gun.
Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?
Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]
Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.
'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?
[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.
Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.
[Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]
[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.
Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?
Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.
Beverly
Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.
[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.
Beverly
Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#
Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.
[Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]
Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!
[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.
[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]
This is my tapes, my other tapes.
[Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]
[voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun.
MCMike C. Levy
And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby.
[pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces.
MCMike C. Levy
No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says.
You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers.
Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh]
[They leave the computer room but are stopped by Beverly]
Beverly
Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?
Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?
Beverly
Glascott's office now!
[The scene cuts to Principal Glascott's office]
Beverly
So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.
Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up!
Beverly
Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd.
That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one.
Beverly
Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo.
The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother.
Beverly
But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at.
I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Stephen King was the master of horror. The man seemed to write a new book every week, and I devoured them all. But my favorite, "Misery," a story about a woman who kept a writer captive till he wrote her the story of her dreams.
Beverly
Schmoop-a-loop. Don't forget we're going underpants shopping tomorrow.
I remember you saying that. I don't remember agreeing to it.
Beverly
I suppose you're too old for Underoos now?
Yes! I'm in a high school! God, this is a nightmare I can't escape from.
Beverly
[sighs] Guess I'll have to put these in my scrapbook now.
[voiceover] Stephen King made me want to write horror stories, too. I just hadn't found anything horrific to write about.
Let me see. What is scary?
Beverly
Kissy monster attack!
[voiceover] And if my writer's block weren't bad enough, I had this to deal with, too.
Beverly
Whoo! That was good for me. Okay, meatloaf burgers in 20. [chuckles] [mumbling] Ohh! [laughs]
[voiceover] Wait. That was it. I already lived in my own Stephen King horror tale, and I was gonna write about the scariest monster of them all...
Beverly
Kissy monster attack!
...my horrifying smother.
Beverly
Feed on chubby cheeks!
[voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule.
Okay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis.
A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them.
First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer.
It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.
Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you.
[to Murray] You approve of all this?
She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
And this has been you not phoning it in.
I've been working my ass off.
Beverly
[sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board?
It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes.
Beverly
Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Beverly
Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Beverly
Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
Beverly
That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
Beverly
They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?
I'm in the mood for drop cookies.
Beverly
It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her.
Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do.
[Erica leaves]
Will you make me some drop cookies?
[voiceover] It was March 8th, 1980-something, and I was doing what I did best, being awesome.
[as Robocop] Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Beverly
All right, my little Robo-Schmoop, time to clean up your masterpiece so I can lay out mine.
But we're about to shoot Pops' big scene.
Adam, is that you? I can't see in this thing!
Finally! I'm schvitzing in this big box!
[Pops accidentally knocks over Adam's video camera]
[voiceover] What happened next would change my life forever.
[slow-motion] Oh... Fudge!
Only, I didn't say "fudge". I said the big one, the granddaddy of bad words, and it was not good.
[Beverly drags Adam and turns the TV off]
Beverly
You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds!
It was an accident, okay?
Beverly
Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word?
Beverly
Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff?
You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! [he walks off]
Beverly
Wha... What? I have never!
Beverly
What? I don't talk like that.
[voiceover] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home.
Beverly
Okay, maybe I do get saucy once in a blue moon, but I can because I'm an adult.
An adult who can't stop herself from talking like a lumberjack.
Beverly
Oh, really? Well, we'll see about that. I'm starting a swear jar. [She puts pickles in the bin]
You do realize that jar is way too small for you, right?
Beverly
Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna drop a penny into this thing.
Oh, well, then you won't mind if we use it for something awesome, like, I don't know, a trip to the Bahamas.
Beverly
Or even more exciting... A trip to Colonial Williamsburg! We can finally get a picture in the stocks!
You already have one! [She shows Beverly a picture of her, Adam and Beverly in the stocks]
Beverly
But I want a new one. Oh. Thou doth look so snuggly. [She giggles]
No more old-timey trips where we learn stuff. I want to tan in the Bahamas.
No one's going to the Bahamas. No one's going anywhere.
Beverly
Of course not. And you know why? Because my lips are squeaky-clean. Yay! Making my kids better people is gonna be [BLEEP] fun.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
